health, wealth, and happiness

... blog title just had to be used from a favorite movie of mine, in honor of brittany murphy.

anyway, i mentioned in my last post about how i got sick last week... and they (meaning the ER doctors) aren't sure if it was a virus- a crazy, fast-hitting stomach flu, or if it was food poisoning. regardless, being that sick made me want to consider rethinking the way i treat my body, what i consume, what air i breathe, and just how healthy of a lifestyle i really should be living. for as long as i can remember, i have been extremely compassionate towards animals. i'm sure i'm not different than most kids- but i would frequently allow stray cats in our house (when dad wasn't home, since he was allergic) and once kept one in our garage, its bed of rags hidden from view, and a little dish of milk and american cheese kept it purring throughout the cold winter months. anyway- i have always (always- ever since i can remember) hated fur and hated skins... and i believe i could probably be a vegetarian if i thought about it enough. sometimes i don't eat things that look too much like the animal it actually is. that doesn't include the thanksgiving turkey- i felt a moment of guilt but then participated in prying open the turkey butt and then (once it was cooked), peeling off its skin to eat it. - that sounds so vulgar, doesn't it?

beyond my little side feelings of guilt- which are almost always pushed to the side when i see a hamburger coming my way- are the concepts of the unsanitary living conditions, slaughterhouses, and hormones that all contribute to the raising and processing of said hamburger. i believe it isn't healthy to treat a living creature in that way (think about it. some people have more compassion for a tree than an animal), and i especially don't think its healthy to participate in the purchasing or consuming of that product.

husband and i often will buy organic, a choice we make for probably different reasons, but one that we feel good about. we buy almost all of our meat organic, as well as eggs, milk, and some vegetables. but to me, that's not enough. i still eat out often- and i still get processed, hormone-filled chicken (is it really chicken?) mashed down on a griddle and thrown together with some teriyaki sauce at the food court for lunch. while i enjoy food, and i like to cook, when thinking about ways to live a healthier lifestyle, i'm realizing that the products i choose to put in my body are not the best.

now, i do think i eat pretty damn well for the most part... in my defense, i feel a twinge of guilt if i have more than 1.5 mint milano cookies in one day, and i try to only drink water (and wine- hah) at home. but, as far as being careful about the impact of the choices i make when choosing what (and where) to eat, I could definitely improve.

beyond my eating habits, I want to improve my sleep, up my water intake, drink tea instead of coffee, and continue a workout regimen at overload fitness. the last one is the hardest for me... but i feel better when i'm fit- and one of the hardest transitions for me is learning to feel as though i'm accomplishing something while lifting weights. i used to live for the rush i felt after landing a new trick or the 'zone' i would get into while tumbling. the feeling of pushing aside your fears and doubts and insecurities and trusting yourself, all while flipping through the air. the feeling of strength and adrenaline i would get towards the end of tumbling practice- legs shaking but still throwing powerful back tucks. feeling as though i accomplish something while pushing against a machine? not so much. i'm starting to get there, though- with overload, the concept is to never "unload" from a machine- your muscles are under CONSTANT stress, and you maintain perfect posture and breathing throughout the super slow workout. it hurts like hell, and it's a series of mind over matter moments to get through it. the last workout i did left me unable to tip a glass of water to my lips, my arms were burning so badly, my eyes filling with tears over the intensity of it. it's a different feeling of accomplishment, but it's coming back, slowly.

i hope to continue a workout regimen that makes me stronger- reverses the effects of my early on-set bone loss, and provides relief for the nerve disease. and looking great in a bikini would be an excellent plus.

those are my new years resolutions- which sounds like an oxymoron. resolution has this connotation of an end- and those resolutions are more like beginnings for me. but whatever. cheers to 2010... and raise your (red- antioxident wine) if you will... health, wealth, and happiness!

saturday morning errands

7:43 on a Saturday! I should be grabbing a few extra minutes of sleep but by the time i do that it will be time to get up and start my day. I have a jam-packed day today, with lofty expectations. first, i hope to make it to a gas station before running out of gas. secondly, i hope to get all of our christmas shopping done today. husband is a BAD influence on me when it comes to getting things done early. he had some reasoning behind not shopping until now, something about our american express bill not coming until january? hm. not sure but right now i'm panicked. we should have made lists about what we hoped to get everyone and what the cost is... yet i'm stuck thinking of things last minute. i'm also not the best when it comes to thoughtful gifts. i try, but since i do things so last minute, it feels like it's not as thoughtful as it could have been. i have ideas for certain people, but nothing set in stone...

husband's gifts were all done last month on random shopping trips with my mom. he's easy to shop for in the sense that i usually just buy him clothes i hope he wears someday (ONE day), but he's so non-materialistic that it's tough to get him something he wants more than anything (besides a ps3. because i'm not paying $300 for a video game thing- not like we could afford that anyway, but you know). my mom says i'm clearly the easiest to shop for- and it's because i like things. and i want things. i have a normal wishlist i'm hoping for: a new winter coat, a new, cozy bathrobe, clothes for work, etc. i have my "i die" wishlist: a puppy, diamond earrings, a new car. and i have my "would be nice" wishlist: decorating stuff for my home, random tops/sweaters/jewelry, spa gift certificates, etc, etc. i just love things. so, i really am the easiest to shop for. if others (mom, dad, sister, husband) were as materialistic it would be so simple to get them something off their 200-item wishlist at any given time.

anyway, big plans for today include getting my hair done, a trip to the dmv, christmas shopping, and possibly watching my college alma mater face off in their bowl game. pretty standard. now i should probably go get ready so i have time to get gas and stop by the bank before the dmv. whew. wish me luck!

one month later...

almost a month ago, i wrote my last update. i really, really need to work on disciplining myself to write regularly. i'm not ready to give myself deadlines, because then it would turn into something that would stress me out, but i need to motivate myself to write regularly. i'm so into this phase of "action steps" from work that now i feel like i need action steps for my writing. i need to write regularly for at least a few months. then... what? i should really write some new short stories and send those in for publication, somewhere. the atlantic monthly? i think that's the journal that is impossible to get into... anyway, once i decide what the next steps are (if there are any), i'll let you know via blogging (that i'll be doing regularly).

someone once told me that i write better after a few glasses of wine... and i tend to agree. actually, i think i write better when i have a purpose for my writing. lately there hasn't been much purpose behind my entries. i feel like writing antecdotes on newlywed life- funny little things that only a new husband and wife could do... but sometimes i feel bad because it's always colored in my favor, and husband doesn't love being a character. but, then again, who cares?

a story from thanksgiving, shall we?

our first thanksgiving together... i took a day off work to prepare... we were all ready. but for some reason thanksgiving morning, although i was so prepared to be in the spirit of the holidays, something wasn't clicking. maybe it was because i told him 12 times i wanted to watch the parade and he turned on some cd (surround sound, of course) at the highest possible volume, blaring some heavy rock metal-type music. fine. maybe it was because we couldn't find any tablecloths or napkins at 5 stores the night before and had to resort to going to walmart in the morning. i think i may have been hungover as well, or at least not ready to wake up, by the time we got the turkey. dad brought the turkey over early (mom had bought it fresh and kept it in their spare fridge for us). husband tried to escape before the turkey came and go to walmart for table linens. long story short, i ended up in tears before we even attempted to get the crap out of our turkey's butt (which, incidentally, had frozen in the spare fridge, so we had to ice-chip out the bag of organs and other gross body parts).

so... finally, turkey is in the oven, and we went to walmart for the linens. husband assembled candleholders while watching the game, and i peeled potatoes. throughout the day, i wonder aloud that the house didn't exactly smell like an 18 lb. turkey was roasting in the oven. husband proceeded to tell me that he couldn't smell anything beyond the cinnamon broom i bought recently at the organic food store (it is a little strong). 3.5 hours into the cooking of the turkey, i finally opened the oven to discover that when (no names please...) _______ put it in the oven and set the timer, it was only set for preheat. huh. we "cooked" the turkey in an oven that had managed to cool down to room temperature in 3.5 hours and now had no thanksgiving meal.

panic ensued. (i first screamed). husband is asking me if random restaurant/buffet places sell roasted (cooked) turkeys. phone calls were made to my family, the guests of the dinner, and i ended up crying in probably every room of our house, while simultaneously hyperventilating and discussing the highest of expectations for our first holiday meal (and first dinner party, really). finally, it turned out alright. the oven was turned on, family assured that dinner was now at 7 instead of 3, and we were able to make an early trip to the in-laws instead of a late trip over. (of course we lied to everyone there and said we meant to have dinner later). ahhh... the holidays.


someone told me today that i have a pretty nice life with my husband and our little home. and i had to agree. husband is a life-saver (especially recently when i was sick and had to go to the ER... i'll spare you the details, but it involved puking an average of every 10 minutes for 4 straight hours. poor husband spent the entire night either cleaning up after me or sitting in a plastic chair with no arms at the ER while i dozed in and out of a morphine-induced sleep)... and we are also best friends. but, beyond that (and more along the lines of what that person was talking about today), we don't worry about the things that a lot of people dating around worry about. i'm always amazed at the dating world now... it seems to be broken up into the people who want to find "the one" -- those who could use eharmony or something, those who like dates involving dinner and wine and movies, and those who aren't interested in dating but who have some loose strings that occasionally trip them up... an ex from college, or a guy they've been talking to... but for one reason or another they aren't ready to commit. it seems stressful and hard to be a girl who is approachable to guys but not ready to go home with the first guy to come up to her in a bar.

anyway, i'm glad to not have to deal with those stresses, to be comfortable with him and us and not involve any other people. in a world where it's an oddity to stay together, i'm finding more and more that i like beating the odds.

.... this post is going nowhere fast. someone want to send a cure for writer's block? i'm going to just start writing more often... they may be pointless, but i'll get somewhere eventually with these blog posts.

holiday cheer

whew. it's been one long weekend, and yet passed by so quickly. i feel guilty that i haven't written in awhile, and don't have much in particular to say (cue the back button on your browser now?). we're just moving forward with life... work weeks seem to roll up and then retreat, sort of like the tides. the only difference this past week was that i felt even more disconnected to my home, my husband. it's tough to balance particularly busy weeks and consuming work with life. that's why it's now 9pm on a sunday and husband is at the grocery store while i'm listening to the clothes clank around in the dryer. however, i'm thrilled that this week will be a short one-- we're preparing for the holidays over here so i'm taking off a day this week, which will be nice. naturally, i've waited until the last minute and still haven't bought a tablecloth or napkins or put together my cute candleholders for the centerpiece. so i'm pretty positive that day off that i envision as a relaxing day cooking and baking with mom will probably contain about 3 trips to the grocery store, 2 trips to michael's craft store, and probably a circle between pier 1, pottery barn, and jc penny for linens. oh well, i think i probably work best under pressure, anyway.

i'm looking forward for a break for some family time. maybe this weekend was just intense because of the big football game, but i am excited for a friday/saturday that isn't filled with beer at the local high-school-reunion bar. i need a good date night, i think. a date night with wine and romance, not beer and burping. (sick. but really there's been too much of that going on lately). i'm a fan of football season (by default. but if i didn't like it then i would hate my job, and i can't hate my job), don't get me wrong, but the fact that i know the beer specials on wednesday nights at more than 4 bars is disgusting.

it may be worth mentioning that we stopped in a random bar on friday night only to be confronted with guys from the past- boys who went to my high school (technically they went to my kindergarten, grade school, middle school, and high school, but who's counting?), and who decided my junior year of high school that they hated my boyfriend. weird, considering none of them bothered to date anyone outside of their group (rumors flew multiple times about the STDs that passed around like a cold), much less pay any attention to me. i know people say that all the time- but i really don't think they cared much for anyone else aside from the same girls (fatter now) that they hung around with then. i would occasionally see them at parties in high school, but we pretty much stuck to our own crowds. anyway-- for some reason they took a disliking to my boyfriend because he was with me. and turns out, they all still hate that same boyfriend. it was amazing. and annoying at the same time. i barely said two words to them, and tried to calm husband down who was fuming about a boy who grabbed his michigan hat. said boy also wandered up to me, wasted and almost incoherent to ask which company i work for. he then proceeded to ask if i've received his resume (twice he sent it to me). then he grabbed husband's hat and asked if i knew "this kid." now, i'm all for recommending people, even if we weren't friends, if i feel someone would be a great candidate for a job. but i wouldn't consider giving this kid an unpaid internship, considering that since 8th grade i've only known him as an incoherent drunk who was mostly stoned throughout his teen years. from the looks of things, nothing much has changed.

so- moving forward. i think it's time for a nice dinner, some oysters, and a martini or two to clear the air. some place with no tv's would be fabulous. quick post, i know- but i'm going to go switch the laundry out and continue looking up recipes for some holiday cranberry sauce... it's almost time for the holidays, and i can't wait for some holiday cheer... :)

tell me what you're looking for...

the first thing anyone says when they hear i like to write is what's your favorite author? and that's probably one of the top 5 questions i hate the most (next one being the infamous dinner party question). so- who is my favorite author? i don't know, sometimes it's john steinbeck, jack kerouac, sometimes it's cs lewis, and sometimes its the graffiti on the wall. sometimes its stephanie myers, other times its ancient writers. god- who i love to read depends so much on who i am at that moment. the one concept i tried to convey to my students over and over again is that writing and reading is a two way conversation. the author makes meaning, and the reader makes meaning. all based on your own experiences, and usually that meaning changes, based on those experiences. therefore- who i am as a writer has as much to do with me as it does with you- reading these words, following the patterns of my speech, agreeing, disagreeing, constantly making evaluations, comparing and contrasting from your own perspective(s).

when i answer the question with a nervous laugh and vacillate between authors of different contexts and time periods, the person then tries to save me and asks what i'm reading right now. i don't know what i'm reading right now. i just picked up new moon to read some of that before bed. before that i read glamour magazine, and before that i was reading french women don't get fat. do those sound like the literary choices of someone who loves to read and write? probably not. i was never into those english majors who thought they could go about a room, spouting off on how much they love updike or faulkner, or even sedaris. sure- i like all of those authors. but i like them all at different times... when i like to read for me, and when i like to get lost in a book, i prefer to turn to my tried-and-true 'a time for dancing,' a novel i first read when i was about 14 years old, a novel that still makes me cry at the end, and still makes me blush when i read the f-word in print. it's like that go-to sweater we all have... it's my go-to book.

i don't want to sound all anti-literary-snob, because i truly was afraid to read the twilight series. i spent my time in school deciphering chaucer's love poetry and george eliot's limonal characters in cross-cultural diasporas. i analyzed short fiction- just how does flannery o'connor show grace through violence? and 20th century plays... oh, i've read. and i enjoy challenging myself. but when you're home and you want to just read to read- do you pick up some jack kerouac and try to follow endless sentences and stream-of-consciousness writing? maybe for an hour, until your eyes cross and your head starts pounding.

i think sometimes we get too caught up in the confines of society that we tend to step into the role. so, when someone asks my favorite author- sometimes i say steinbeck (the safe choice), other times i say i like victorian literature (the literary choice. plus, i did study it the most in school), and yet sometimes i want to scream. would you ask a musician what their favorite song is? probably. and they probably think- geez, lady- i guess i like them all. i like this song when i'm crying, this one when i'm buzzed, and this one when i'm thinking. and that's just on tuesday!

hmm... anyway. i'm on my way to bed soon... and i must give a little public thanks to my mother- who came over today while i was at work and cleaned and tidied and just in general got my house in line. plus, she brought me presents since i have a nervous breakdown every morning before work (i have nothing to wear. ever). i think i've said it before on here- but if i haven't- she is the reason we (husband and i) are both happy to be living here. husband told me that he has to call her to thank her for coming over and picking up my crap. hah. he then asked where his presents were... silly husband! i just discovered that the holidays are going to be even more special. in addition to it being the first Christmas we've ever spent together (ever. in 7 years of dating!!), my family is staying home from florida this year... which means that we will get to spend Christmas with both of our families and each other. i don't think words could ever express how much this means to me. the holidays are magical and romantic to me- i would give up valentine's day in a heartbeat if i could spend every Christmas with the people i love... it is truly the most romantic and love-filled time for me, and the chance to spend it with those i love (all of those i love) is just incredible. plus, we're having a new years party!! that's right- i've finally convinced the husband to throw a party with me. i'm pretty excited about it- and have already started the process of printing invitations. so- that's life right now. a rant about authors and a little note of the love-filled holidays. cheers- and happy holidays...

love affair with the tropics

ok, maybe not a love affair with the tropics, but definitely a love affair with the water. i grew up in a town with a beach... and to be honest, my favorite time to visit the beach is the fall. let me explain: in the summer, the beach is filled with a vast array of the trashiest, whore-iest, nastiest people cleveland has to offer. and i'm not exaggerating. the beach is littered (literally and figuratively) with trash. you can find extended families with about 20 children running naked around, screaming, and their barefoot, pregnant moms chasing after them. or, sometimes, sitting and smoking with them. you can find a representation of the biggest gangstas/wangstas cleveland has to offer, often with their whole ass/boxers hanging out and a nice little shaved chinstrap along their face. then there's always the fun game of tattoo scavenger hunt. i bet you i could find a popeye tattoo with a naked chick hanging on the other arm and a tweety bird on the calf. see? i win!

when i was little, mom used to forbid me to go there by myself, of course the second i was allowed to ride bikes to get ice cream i would promptly disobey her, and often be exposed to the most tricked out pontiacs around. bass blaring, green neons running along the side, and pornos playing in the trunk. then they would all rev their engines and take off to drag race, or just drive really loudly to their parties.

so, the beach in the summertime is not always the most fun time. however, in the fall, when its cold enough to scare away most of the trash and leave behind only a few stoned teenagers, i love going and sitting by the water. for as long as i can remember, i have gone to the beach when i need to think, when i need to be reminded of how large the world is, and how signficant and completely insignificant i am. i guess i feel a sort of strange connection to the water- it reminds me of a different world-- i once heard that we know more about outer space than we do the ocean-- but it also reminds me of the most special memories... vacations, laughter, even the feeling of conquering your fears. i have so many memories with the water- from my short stint on the diving team in high school, including the bruises it gave me as i learned new tricks, and the feeling of freedom as i plunged from a 7 meter platform, and also the time i sunk beneath the surface after hitting my head on the board... it reminds me of learning to waterski, flying across the surface, and the moments of solitude as i sat on the beach, writing in my journal when i was 15 years old.

i went to visit the mountains out west with my family and i felt unsettled. i guess i felt unsettled for a number of reasons (the mormons in salt lake city did not help), but i knew i could never feel peaceful next to them. i saw how majestic and beautiful it was to see mountains covered in snow as you drove along the highway, but it reminded me of how much i love the ocean, the lake, the water. i really think i have a love affair with the tropics. i breathe easier when i'm standing on the edge of something immense and complex... and i feel much more connected to the ground. today i wasn't feeling well at all, and needed to escape my house and its stuffy air, so i walked the short walk to the beach. now, i would love to live on the water, but sometimes it's so magnificent to me, i wonder if my house were on the edge of that if i would be able to handle it. it would be a cathartic experience almost every time i saw the water... anyway... random musings before bed... i need to get some rest so i can feel 100% for the weekend- i love weekends.

you've got a fast car- is it fast enough so we can fly away?

i can hear a train siren in the distance and it's annoying me. actually, not much isn't annoying me at this point... even lola was herded back to her cage after her display of thumping and biting when i tried to spend time with her tonight. it's a night in which i feel restless, which isn't helping at all. i guess because the majority of the night was spent on the couch, watching remakes of 90's soaps and feeling somewhat alone. i have this energy sort of balled up inside of me, and i'm annoyed because the world isn't open to it. i need to watch the clock... another work day exists in about 10 hours...

i'm also feeling annoyed about my money situation. husband and i combined accounts, which was fine. yes, just fine. i never thought i would really care about money- and i do care about how he spends it, but i hate having to think twice before i spend anything. i want enough to afford a car, great decor for our home, & napkins and napkin rings for thanksgiving dinner. but mostly i want that car. we've started the beginnings of a search for a new car... not sure quite what we're going to end with- most likely not a new one, but probably a pretty good used small suv.... there is the outside chance that we could go with a new one, however- especially since i work in a business where we support many different car dealers and have great relationships with them. so, we'll see.

i'm the type of bratty child that used to decide i wanted something and then get it. that didn't mean i didn't work for it. but me wanting something went sort of like... i decided on something i had to have, and proceeded to fixate on it for about 2-5 days. once i decided i had to have it, i started talking about it, asking about it for 1-2 days. finally, i would start negotiations with my parents. if they wouldn't pay for it, or split it with me (that was always the great go-to plan), they would tell me i had to work for it. and i would work my ass off doing chores, negotiating pay rates for vaccuming the car, walking the dog, shining dad's shoes. whatever they would pay me- i would take until i could get what i wanted. and then i would get it that day.

i think my tactics still shape a lot of how i behave and view purchases. i do make some pretty dumb day-to-day ones ($8 lunch... bottles of wine... etc), but when i decide i want something, i somehow subliminally come up with a plan for how i will get it. (case in point: front row n'sync tickets. i told my mom the night i heard the radio contest that i would win it the next day. and i did). so, this car thing is starting to click in my brain... i'm starting to fixate on it. driving to and from work is now more research (much like during the whole landscaping fiasco. i think i could tell you how many weeping cherry trees there are on lake rd for a 3 mile stretch while i was contemplating filling our barren lawn), and i'm starting to look at more cars than bmw and lexus... deciding that maybe, just maybe, i might be able to drive a chevy, or a jeep, or a nissan. hmmm...

so- my annoyed mood is not being helped by the fact that my brain is starting to fixate on a large purchase, requiring a down payment and monthly payments (both of which i hate). sometimes i get into this weird mood where i just think things should be mine. i don't think i have a conscious thought process for it, but i've caught myself almost stealing weird things because i think that it's mine. (for example: at a particularly expensive lunch joint, i tend to reach for a diet coke. after i've paid). i feel that way about things i hate to purchase- gas, toilet paper, tampons, vacuum bags... or, big-ticket items, like a car, or a sexy black leather coat. why- really, why- does anything need to cost that much in this world? i would help the economy a lot more if cars were more like a pair of louboutins... a big enough purchase to not do it every month (or even every 6 months) but not big enough to go into debt over.

ughhh no more money talk. i'm an old married lady aren't i? sick... what a completely negative and annoying post. i think i will say some thank you's to clear the air, settle my score with the universe. send some positivity my way, i could use the less-restless sort of energy....

sometimes i sit down to write with no thought on what this post will be: i just know i need to write. it's a sort of hunger, or a combination of hunger and the feeling of needing to journal but not willing to wait for the inspiration to hit. i received a wonderful e-mail from a close friend of mine, someone whose opinions and thoughts inspire me to think deeper, more creatively- whether she's improvising song lyrics on the spot or writing about a philosophical aspect of our lives, her words and thoughts definitely ignite a creative spark in myself- and i love people like that (i will write back to your e-mail, i promise!!). isn't it great to meet someone who reminds you of a part of your personality that you forgot about? i think we all play a kind of role when we're around most (actually, all) people. and day-to-day i play my role, but when i'm reminded of another aspect of myself i really value the people who are able to bring it out.

that seems vague. but you know that friend-of-a-friend that you click with? you end up telling them far more than you should, sharing a part of yourself that you don't share with your friend... or that person in your networking group that brings out a different sense of humor in yourself. i love that feeling- it's like being refreshed, a big clean shower and a 'i forgot what this feeling was like. it's cool. not everyday cool, but pretty cool, nonetheless.'

this weekend was a bit of a rough one-- lots of little arguments, some big arguments from both husband and i and our friends. luckily, all husband and i argued over was having a cookout at our house on sunday (we tend to get angry about little things. but then cool off because i think we both realize that when you live together/are married, there's really nothing you can do to escape the other person. in other words, they will still be there later that afternoon, the next day, and the next day. so, really, why are you fighting over potato salad? it's made us much more mature, i promise). anyway, this weekend was rough because i was reminded of college relationships all over again. it wasn't unusual for all of us (friends, acquaintances, us) to be fighting, angry with each other, to feed off each other's pissed-off-ness and just escalate everything. we went to a wedding where tensions somehow got very high, and it ended with us just being exhausted and driving home at midnight. now, i miss college, and i'm the first one to recognize that it was an amazing time of irresponsibility and f-ed up priorities (for example: i would get very stressed about classes, and then end up skipping them in favor of naps. -- a word on naps-- seriously? what was wrong with me that i felt it was ok as an adult to be upset if i didn't get a nap in at least once every two days??). however, for as amazing as college was, i was reminded tonight that sometimes its not fun to stand outside, sort-of drunk and discuss someone else's relationship. or to be irrationally mad at your boyfriend (or husband) because he hadn't brought you a glass of water and a salad. amazing, really. college was lots of fun, but i like being a little more mature about how i relate to my friends and boyfriend/husband.

this blog entry isn't very full of outstanding wisdom or witty thoughts... my apologies. to be honest, i'm a little distracted because i've had a glass of wine, and husband is flipping between football (gotta see how braylon is doing) and rob & big- occasionally offering commentary on rob's antics and encouraging shouts towards braylon. so... that's it for tonight. maybe i'll have some deep, philosophical thoughts for all later this week. :)

"it doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. i want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy"

(my favorite- albeit unusual- passage from the reading at my wedding).

this road is anything but simple.

i went to a concert last night, of a girl i knew in high school. it was a great time, and reminded me how much i miss going to shows. somewhere between 16 and 17, i spent my friday nights at shows, and got lost in the moment as someone else shared a piece of their soul with 200 other people. some things are the same: a new outfit, getting dressed up in a quasi-rocker look, black eyeliner, skinny boys on stage singing their teenage hearts out, the feeling you get when you connect with a room full of people. some things have changed: instead of a group of girlfriends, i was with one person, my husband. i no longer feel a rush when i drink a beer at a concert, nor do i feel anxious as the night comes to a close (because really, after curfews ended, the fun of 1am doesn't quite get you as high as it used to). it was a great night because it was different, and because it felt-a little- like i was 16 again. young, the world in front of me.

it was also a little sad, because it made me want to pursue a dream like that...

i recently read 'outliers' by malcolm gladwell (see: blink, the tipping point- all are great), about how some people live as outliers- outside the crowd, the clutter. everyone from bill gates to mozart to the beatles. it was fascinating to read a discussion on how people receive advantages and opportunities (ex: you have an incredibly better chance of becoming a professional hockey/baseball/soccer player if you were born in certain months, depending on the age cut-offs in the pee-wee leagues), as well as the amount of practice time/passion one must dedicate to their craft. i guess it doesn't hurt to be pretty, either. (had to throw that in there). so what are you passionate about? and what opportunities have come your way?

birthdays & an anniversary... sort of.

i wanted to write a post about this, but i'm not sure how to write it without it seeming super-sappy and lame (and annoying). but, what the hell. it's still my birthday week, and therefore i really can do whatever i want to do, right?

so, here it goes: i've just had the best week with my new husband! haha... i know, right? but really, i have had a great time lately. this weekend was pretty fun, but the best part was sunday (our 3 month, coincidentally), when we spent our time running errands and finding some fall-ish things for the house (my idea, not his). and sunday night we watched our wedding video with little lola (again, my idea, not his). but while watching our wedding video, a few things really struck me: how amazing it was to have almost all of the most meaningful people in our lives there for us- whether they were standing next to us, or participating in the ceremony, or simply offering their support, prayers, and well-wishes, it was just an amazing day for both of us. and although it went so quickly, it was wonderful to watch the video and feel as though our marriage was... reconfirmed, somehow.

anyway, moving beyond the wedding moments- we also celebrated my birthday yesterday, which was so much fun. plus, he managed to suprise me with a new bag- which i love. we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and just ordered apps and a bottle of wine- perfect! it was honestly a great time- a nice, romantic evening, but as i recall saying my first post- sometimes he is a passionate lover, sometimes he is a best friend, and most of the time he is both to me. lately it's been a nice mix of the two. romantic evenings, and also just laughing, playing, and being best friends- and what more can you ask for? all in all, it was a fab birthday, and although i am ignoring the age part of the whole process- i do love any excuse for presents, wine, and cake.


see above image- the little dog my sister is watching was with me on my birthday- she can smile (really- you say 'Mollie Smile!' and she does!)

life is slowly righting itself. lately i'm trying to remember to look past the day- the night-the week- even the year. i re-read my previous posts and realized that so often i'm terrified of something that will most likely break down given a week, or even just a few months. i need to look beyond those scary moments of indecision, overwhelming emotions, whatever, and think in more of a complete big-picture sense. my friend who is in the peace corps- she is going to be gone for two years, true, but in many ways, that is only two years. two meaningful years for most of us at this age, but just two, nonetheless. a colleague once told me about a certain profession (i feel weird writing it in here) that lives week-to-week, which is why all of those who own businesses in that profession are pretty manic-depressive. and, if you think about it- it's probably true. it's time to look past the week and see some more complete pictures of my life-- isn't that what marriage is about? enjoying the happy, beautiful, fun moments, but also seeing past the bullshit to a more complete picture.

anyway, i'm still in the process of decorating our house. other than work and enjoying my marriage, i have been spending my time slowly realizing that no (read: absolutely NO) stores will carry the perfect curtains for my family room. part of the problem is that i have no idea how to pick curtains, but i know i haven't found any. our house is sort of modern-cottage-beach-chic. i would like to think, at least. the goal this weekend is to gather the rest of our furniture for our family room (finishing things- like floor lamps- my life is thrilling, i know) and clear out the guest room. it's holiday season which means all i want to do is throw parties- fall parties, halloween parties, thanksgiving dinner, christmas parties, new year parties. lots, and lots of entertaining and cooking-- get ready!!

alright, computer may die, and husband is already on his way to bed, and i should really get some sleep so i can be on time to work once this week...

"to know someone with whom you can feel an understanding in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed... well, that can make this life a garden."

my life is like a mobile, spinning around.

i'm sitting here with lola, as she tries to bite my hand off every time i type... possibly this won't work out for a successful blog post... she may be sent to her cage soon. anyway, i haven't written much because i've been busy. lame excuse, i know. but by busy i mean that i got home from work late every night last week, and was feeling so overwhelmed/exhausted/semi-unmotivated that i just couldn't do much but flop on the couch for an hour before it was time for bed. we had events all weekend- which was terrifying because now i'm supposed to be in charge of them, but not really in charge yet, and all this limbo stuff made me sort of crazy. when i got home on sunday and realized we had another event after work on monday, i wanted to cry. however, things are looking up in the work-world, as in... i'm finally getting somewhat caught up that i feel like soon i can stop looking backwards and start looking forward-- making plans to make us more efficient, more creative, and focusing on growth instead of "how the hell did this get done in the past, and how the hell am i supposed to get it done now??" this promotion at work has definitely been taking over my life... and i feel like i'm just getting the nuts and bolts of it now... like i'm really a glorified intern, one who is just as an intern (not any of ours, but "intern" in general), but motivated to figure things out a little more. i actually am embarassed by my new title... i don't think i deserve it (yet). funny, huh? i should just get a grip and accept that those i respect have decided i can handle it and trust them.

anyway, that has truly been my life recently. but, i'm realizing again how important balance is in my life... i had this wonderful family friend/mentor describe my life as a mobile... meaning that all of the different things needed to balance each other out to keep it centered and moving. i only notice the mobile metaphor when things get out of hand, though. i noticed it at certain times in my life... she first brought it up to me when i received a letter from my birth mother. it was the oddest few days of emotions for me- for something that i've always accepted (being adopted), i hadn't ever considered the range of emotions tied into being someone else's child, being given away, and being brought into a new home. i had a million feelings of hate, love, confusion. for a long time i felt as though my life had been decided for me. once i spoke to this family friend/mentor, she explained the mobile concept to me and it clicked somehow. she also said that it was ok to be angry, and it was ok to not figure it all out right then. she suggested sitting with an unsettled feeling. just letting it be until the mobile could sort of right itself. it's such a huge concept that seems so little when you write it out- but the idea of sitting with an uneasy feeling is incredibly difficult (at least for me). knowing that you don't know how to feel, knowing that it's ok to not know how you're feeling.

my senior year of college i felt very unsettled about a lot of things. the life-mobile got out of whack as i realized that i had made every major decision that would define my life when i was 17 years old. i tried to rebel, to fix the unsettling feeling, and then realized that i wouldn't know the answers right away (if ever). i needed to make decisions that were the best for me and my health, and slowly the mobile worked itself out.

so, now that i had a few minutes to write, i'm still writing/thinking about work. amazing. today is the husband's birthday, and i had this fancy dinner all planned out for him: steaks with gourmet mushrooms, scallops, fingerling potatoes and asparagus and cheesecake factory for dessert. of course he's sick this week. which means that he's sort of sniffling and coughing and being gross with kleenex, but not that sick. meaning- he's still up for some things (wink). but sick enough to tell me after i went to the store late last night and thawed all the food for him (steak, scallops), that he didn't think anything would be very appetizing to him today and asked if we could go to alladin's for dinner instead. seriously? i was ready to scream. he doesn't even like birthdays that much, i don't think. he wants the dinner on friday now but that's not really his birthday. friday is always a good day for cooking because i don't feel bad about getting to bed early and i don't feel bad about the amount of wine i consume while cooking (kidding. kind of). but now he's sick again and asking when i'm going to be done writing. isn't it amazing how boys deal with a little bit of sickness? now, i was sick awhile ago, and acted as though the world was ending, but i was like, really sick. when i was on the phone with someone they asked what was wrong because i had a combination of phoebe's sexy voice (circa 'smelly cat') and an odd nasally voice sort of like ben stein. he is just sort of sniffling. anyway... it still is his birthday and i need to go to bed early tonight anyway (sleep has been ruling my life. it's not an option to get less than 7 hours, i just wouldn't make it anymore). so- here we are, boring married couple... anyone want to hang out this weekend? :)

hmm... ruined another baked good, and it's not even 8am yet. I am the world's most terrible baker. i keep thinking that i really just need more practice, so i know what i'm looking for, but i can't even make one (just one!!) great baked good. i just burned these cinnamon struesel muffins that come out of a box. it's always for some stupid reason, too. i didn't think they looked very golden brown after 16 minutes, so i popped them back in for another 5. oops. this morning consisted of husband getting up, waking me up as usual, and then me following him to the kitchen. i decided to make muffins because he ate not only all of his cereal this week, but all of mine as well. it was actually fun at first, i asked for an egg and he proceeded to try out my "soft hands" on the underhanded egg toss (it is labor day weekend, after all), and then i proceeded to crack the egg open all over the countertop. at which he yelled, asking me why i continue to bake, and i yelled because its really gross to try to pick up a broken egg yolk from the counter. anyway, after all that (and the dishes aren't even clean yet), i burned the muffins. go figure.

ohhh... breaking news in the middle of this post. so, lola (the bunny) was playing in this blanket we have in the office, just digging and being silly. she then all of a sudden took off (not too unusual), but then i realized she was being chased by a giant spider. GIANT. it serisouly had teeth, i think. i screamed, she ran into a corner and thumped, and then let out a little scream as well. ughhh thankfully, home renovator that my husband is, tools are left throughout our house. i just managed to kill it using a hammer, and miraculously didn't break the bookshelf. sick. my little town is beautiful, but living near the metroparks and on a wooded lot makes for tons of spiders... i'll have to tell husband where the carcass is so he can dispose of it after work, huh? poor little lola, i think she may be scarred for awhile. she's stretched out in her "i'm exhausted" position, breathing heavy and baring her teeth.

alright- off to enjoy this beautiful day... beginning with a nap, then laundry and a little bit of cleaning so i can not feel guilty about reading out on our deck while college gameday on espn blasts in the other room.

enjoy the weekend!!

light a fire and let it burn...

today i am wrestling with so many doubts and questions, and such a huge headache. i've asked this question before... but how do you pick up your confidence and light the match and set it all in motion? lately i feel like i'm dragging this weight behind me, and it's getting so frustrating. i don't feel motivated, and for me, it's usually for one of two potential reasons. 1) i don't feel challenged, or feel respect for those challenging me, 2) i'm just overwhelmed and don't feel like i have the confidence or resources, or time management skills to get. shit. done. i keeep going back to the example of the one letter i always forget to mail, or the dry cleaning, or the library books that i should just return already... but once it gets out there, i push it to the side, ignore it, and although occasionally it bubbles up and stresses me out, for the most part i can pretend it doesn't exist. i have SO much to do, that i can't seem to even put one foot in front of the other and move forward. i just stand there and pretend to not see the path. or make excuses for the path not being visible.

it's not just work things (although all of those changes are leaving me sort of spinning), but its the house again. don't you think i would be much better off if i just hired a housekeeper? i need someone to do my laundry, food prep (not cooking. i love my time spent cooking), cleaning, and dishes. landscaping would, as always, be nice.

the thing is, i imagine some people look at challenges, say something really lame like- "onward and upward!" and just get crackin. me, i seem to be looking at these new challenges with giant doe-eyes, a headache and an intense desire for some wine and a nap. i keep telling myself that was how i was when i first started my job- i felt really out of place and in over my head, and very, very confused. i felt the same way when i went to college (except then it was more of a: f***, how am i going to stay in this itty bitty town for four years of my life? hah. that fear never changed). don't you wish you had the ability to just freeze life- a la sabrina the teenage witch- walk around, take a nap, HOLD EVERYTHING until your brain felt better? i envy that almost as much as i envy the whole finger pointing zing-new-outfit-trick she pulled (could have used that this morning; my entire closet is currently either on the floor or the bed because i. have. nothing. to. wear.)

today, i started praying on the drive home. weird, right? oftentimes i will think about God, and it's not like i haven't prayed before... i used to every night, and often throughout the day. God's a weird concept for me, though. it's too big for my brain to handle, and i'm such a skeptical, analytical person that i often question 'who' the omniscient being is that i'm speaking to, and what exactly i expect to receive. i feel like such a hippie when i say/think this, but i am much more comfortable with my God being a sort of faithful energy, something different and meaningful for each person. i love, love, love the idea of God- i mean, who doesn't? the ultimate in authority, caring and fearful, loving and fair, a perfect being. to me, God has always seemed to be more of a constant being, something that gives me peace, but also serves as my conscious. extremely personal, in other words, and i can't imagine my God being the same for anyone else. i guess i don't even feel comfortable with the word God, to be perfectly honest. it's more of an extension of a spiritual thing for me. although i spent years at church camp as a kid (yes, really!), and i've gone through so many phases with my religious beliefs, i have just so many questions that are unanswerable... one thing i do know, is that i will always respect anyone's interpretation of their God (provided, of course, that their God does not approve of mass suicide bombings or other horrific deeds people do in the name of their God), because i would want respect and reverie of my version.

it's been a long day... got home late to the hubby watching bad vh1 reality tv. tool academy? daisy of love? that's pretty much on whenever sportscenter or the discovery channel is not on. i haven't figured out the draw of the discovery channel, except that we both love animals (but i really don't like that channel and all their swordfish-killing shows), and the fact that it broadcasts in 1080p- some type of high definition that he appreciates. so, i think i will close this post, weary and drop into bed...

i'll leave with a word from walt whitman :)

this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals despite riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss what ever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...
-walt Whitman


p.s.
i was thinking how much it sucks that you can't take a computer just anywhere with you and write. i can't just sit down on a bench and start typing in the middle of cleveland, and i can't just sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine and just type (maybe on a phone, like rev run, though. -- met him recently. big fan!). notebooks are so vintage, and sort of annoying, but maybe i'll have to start bringing it back into fashion. i'll write my entire novel from a phone or a steno pad- what do you think?

autumn thinking...

its starting to feel like fall again- and as much as i love fall, its so bittersweet because summer is ending so quickly... and it always throws me off when school starts. i guess because i spent so much of the significant years of my life in school, i get this odd feeling like i'm not done yet- i'm not ready to be an adult. i should still be in high school, college, sometimes middle school (6th grade really was a fun time). i know its not all its cracked up to be- those were difficult years and i probably spent more time crying than laughing, but something about fall brings me back... it sort of pains me when i see the kids in my neighborhood walking to the high school. it could also be my irrational fear of aging that catches up to me when i realize that i don't belong there anymore.

but i do love the crispness of fall, and the cider, apples, sweaters, new boots, tights, dresses, orange and yellow leaves, birthday presents. honestly just too many things to count. husband and i spent the past few days enjoying our small little town and our little home together. last night i made this mediteranean humuus from a pasta sauce i had bought at the farmer's market (sounds weird once its written out, but it was fab, i promise), and sat outside around our little firepit table eating it with a fresh loaf of italian bread (also from the market), and drinking this great orange wheat beer. tonight we had a great dinner (courtesy of me- top chef that i am), and then went for a nice little bike ride to visit my mom and sister and show them my new hair color.

sometimes i worry about revealing too much about myself on this thing- or through twitter, or facebook. i'm the type to just trust people and then start talking... but how much information is too much? clearly we're a nation/culture that loves personal information... i have to confess, if john mayer were to send out a play-by-play tweet of his day, i would probably scroll through and read every one of them (when i had time, of course). and this blog seems to be a hit among my friends- and if they were to write one, i would of course read it all the time. people say they don't want to 'twitter' because no one would care about their life- but people do care. how many pictures do we look at on facebook, usually of a friend-of-a-friend? acquaintance at best, i suppose. it's such an odd world we live in- one that is getting more personal, but usually on our own terms. maybe that's a better way to live? and hey, i maybe blog about my newly married life, but i don't have 2 camera crews following me around while i learn to change the paper towel holders and question the branding of 'chicken of the sea.' (i own that dvd series. and i still love it. in my mind they are perfectly happy together).

anyway, off to bed- it's only monday but i have a feeling this week will be a long one!

botox, shoes, and lasagna. pretty random, sorry.

so today we had a meeting that went late, and i didn't get home until around 8pm. when i came home, i immediately searched for the husband, half expecting him to be sticking his head in the fridge, ravenously searching for food (i have an imagination, i know). instead, he was calmly playing video games and shouting at mike hart to run/catch the football (i forget what position he plays), pretty standard for a boy. i told him i was headed into the kitchen for two reasons: wine, and to make dinner. he told me it was already in the oven. now for some reason i immediately jumped to the perfectly normal conclusion that he had figured out what recipe i was going to make from the list on the fridge, went into the cookbooks and whipped up a little chicken tetrazzini casserole. when i went to check on it, however, i realized that actually it was a frozen lasagna my mom had brought over that was bubbling up in our oven.

when i questioned him, i learned that it was probably a little ridiculous for me to assume he knew where the cookbooks are kept, but at least i know he can fend for himself in the kitchen, right?

so we had lasagna, as it started to get dark and although i offered, no salad was needed, nor vegetables. i'm starting to think that it's really not that hard to keep a man happy (or at least my man). we also bought some more furniture this weekend, including a buffet i love from world market, and a coffee table. i also managed to accidentally spend $200 on a picture frame, which made me sad because that's almost halfway to a pair of louboutins and i should just hold out for those. the problem began when i went to the custom framing counter with this giant art print, and made the lady pull every single frame corner piece off the velcro pad on the wall. when i finally found one i liked, she quoted me $192... but she was so nice, and since i had made her search for the exact right piece, i felt terrible just walking away. i asked to see some cheaper options, and she pulled out some ugly metal frames that look like they belong in a dorm room. so, i passed over the american express and handed over the print. oops. i don't mind spending large amounts of money if its something just absolutely fabulous, but i'm not even sure i like this print that much anyway (sort of like our office paint color), yet i'm willing to live with it for at least a year before forcing it out of my life. oh well, live and learn, i suppose. all i can think about is the fact that louboutins are actually something i could purchase one month, if i decide not to purchase anything else... and clearly that possibility is out the window for this month.


one of my fears in life is working too hard to enjoy it, or working too hard that i eventually pass up great opportunities. now, i do realize that when you enjoy work, and you receive opportunities at work, you should feel grateful for those opportunities. however, i still need to learn to save my money appropriately so that i can create opportunities for myself: own a second home (on the lake somewhere. or in wilmington), start my own business, raise a family at home, and further my education... not to mention become ridiculously wealthy and rub elbows with the rich and fabulous in the hamptons. (kidding. sort of.)

i guess those are normal goals for the average middle-class adult, but i want them all by the time i'm 30. i'm going to be 24 this year, which makes me want to puke. i'm already the type to 'forget' my age. i really think that certain things (like that letter i just keep forgetting to mail, or the dry cleaning that sits in a pile for weeks before making it to the cleaners), i just block them from my mind. my birthday, unfortunately is one of them. whenever someone asks me how old i am, i stop and think about it. i realize i don't have a great respect for numbers anyway, which could be a big part of the problem, but i also just don't want to ever think about aging. i don't want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, ever. typing those words makes me crazy. it's not just the getting old process, it's the fear that i'm not moving up to pace, that i'm not accomplishing things, that i'm spinning my wheels. i honestly believe that i would not have a problem just living. continuously. forever, if you will. every year is so bittersweet- where does the time go? what will this year bring? i know i'm not alone in this fear, either. it's probably pretty standard among... oh, everyone.

anyway, i guess with botox, and by keeping myself open to new possibilities, i can move forward without wishing away the present.

i want desperately to avoid, in any way possible, being typical. yet i am in so many ways... my little cookie-cutter world that was built since high school. and i like my world, don't get me wrong. but i want to be fabulous. the book i will write someday will help propel me there, i think. and it's not wrong to have high expectations for your future- i believe it's ok to be thankful for all that i do have and to still wake each day craving for more. it's what keeps us going, motivated, moving towards another (dreaded) year.

that's all for tonight...

sink or swim...

another sunday morning... i hate sundays, but i love the peaceful quality of sunday mornings. it's like the last day of vacation, where you wake up and really try to savor every smell, sound, and moment before you have to start packing. one last walk on the beach, one last vacation breakfast, one last look at the calm lake in the morning. i have so many vacation memories- my family used to take one at least every summer, and usually more throughout the year. but every summer for about six years, my family would go to this one resort-ish place in canada, called blue water acres. we stayed in very simple cottages spread out on the shore of a beautiful lake, and the kids had the run of the place, because it was so safe. the mornings usually involved coffee and a walk to the small beach to reserve some adirondak chairs, sign up for waterskiing, and then a doughnut from the bakery about 5 minutes up the windy road, filled with moose and (surprisingly) friendly brown bears. we would play all day, go on hikes, fishing, waterskiing, and finally end each day with a giant game of capture the flag throughout the property and a bonfire by the beach. what an amazing vacation it was... and how wonderful to spend a week every summer just playing by the lakeshore.

this summer has been a summer of changes for me, and i'm starting to try to plan vacations for my new family- husband and me. but where do we go? what can we afford? and when do we go? i've looked into taking a road trip to the carolina's (in my first strong attempt to persuade him we need to move to wilmington), yet i also want another honeymoon-ish trip, maybe an all-inclusive resort at some exotic island- st. lucia, bermuda, or something similar. i want to go out west and show dave the mountains, and i also want to save our money so we can experience italy together. the whole world is open for exploring, and i don't even know where to start. it's also hard when i've seen so much, and want to see it again with him... vacations were a way of life growing up, and it's interesting to try to figure out how to fit them into my new life.

i wanted to maybe take a friday off and spend a long weekend up at the lake erie islands before summer slips by, but i'm not sure if we'll be able to, now. i just received a promotion at work... it's so new and i can't wrap my head around it. it's something i'm extremely excited for, but i now have to figure out how to balance all that i was doing, with an entirely different full-time job. i had wanted to position myself to move into this role in some fashion eventually, but was shocked when they told me that i would be taking over soon. and not only taking over, but keeping all of my other responsibilities as well. needless to say, i'm feeling overwhelmed. i don't even know where to start- i don't know how to organize myself, i don't know what exactly i'm responsible for, and i don't know anything about managing this much responsibility. i know it will come in time, and it's still very new to everyone... it's just such a challenge (and such a vague one), that i'm sort of still spinning. don't get me wrong- it's an amazing job title, as well as an amazing amount of trust and faith they put in me, and i am so, so blessed to be working at a company who is willing to give me this opportunity. i guess like anything else- i'm scared at the change, i'm questioning myself, and i'm really questioning how to adjust to yet another change this summer.

isn't it funny how my life is filled with such great new opportunities and challenges, yet the fear of not succeeding keeps me up at night? why can't i have the courage to look at a new trail and feel as though i can conquer it with no doubts? i guess these big new steps in the big, scary world of being an adult make me wish i had some more time, some time to savor the moment, figure out my feelings, take a second, like the last day of vacation to appreciate every smell, every moment, and every step towards the water. it can't just be sink or swim...

"when you arise in the morning, this of what a privilege it is to be alive: to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love" - marcus aurelius

forgive me for being honest

i've had a glass of wine (or two. or three.) forgive me, for being honest. i was reminded today of the term 'service.' what it is like to be a service to others, to depend on others, and to serve others. now, although automatically i want to jump to the rewarding aspects of service, i must confess, i've spent the better part of the afternoon wanting to strangle those i'm serving.

i should explain, i've spent four summers working at a country club, serving those who are (some) more fortunate than i, and others (most), who think they are more fortunate than i. i am now working in an industry where we must serve others, every day, to maintain relationships, and build partnerships. i touted the fact that i used to be in a country club setting, i understand the meaning on service, i told them. the truth was, i don't, and i don't think i ever will. i suppose i was raised differently, although i sound like a brat often, and my best friend and i (after many, many drinks), will sometimes exclaim that 'everyone is so stupid but us,' i know that it really, truly, isn't right. i respect those who deserve respect- those who are kind, those humans who have not attempted to hurt me, or my family and friends. and sometimes i even respect those who have tried to hurt me, or my family and friends. yet- i can't get over the fact that some people treat others as though they are less of a person than themselves.

i encountered it constantly at the country club. just recently, while in an elevator in downtown cleveland i saw a former member. i didn't recognize him, but when he said 'hey coach!' in a derrogatory manner, i realized that he was from the club. it was simple. he spoke down on me, therefore he was from the club. it's sad that i can make associations that clearly (and later, i did remember him, and his family, from the summer i spent trying to build a swim team that i had no business coaching, considering i've never been on a swim team in my life). i encounter the patronizing every day just being a woman. sometimes, for a reason i cannot explain, it makes me feel powerful. other times, it makes me feel cheap, and less of a person. i encounter it because i am young, because i wear heels, the list continues. i should be used to it by now, don't you think?

as i said earlier, i've spent the majority of the evening drinking wine, and discussing with my mom and my husband the nuances of those that i serve. those that i indirectly serve as well, and i discovered that at the end of the day, i was done dwelling in the negative (although i think it was necessary to do). i realized that to serve others has a sort of strange meaning, in which you can get spit upon, chewed up, and kicked, and yet, as long as you have served them, you can feel a pride in yourself. it's an odd phenomenon, and i don't understand it in the least, but at the end of a very long day, i can still hold my head up and decide that i am worthy, on my own, just through serving others. that is what service is- giving a part of yourself to help someone.

although my examples from today (of which i will not elaborate) and in the past could seem trivial, i think you cannot compare anothers' journey to mine. it is all relative. it may not be the greatest example of service, but i feel the pain, and the joy, it brings today, and i think that's all that counts.

i said goodbye to a friend this weekend, she is serving in the peace corps for two years. for some strange reason, the new, emotionally-charged me has spent the past few days bursting into tears. husband, even after going through a tough few weeks with me, has told me it is very strange of me to cry so often and so easily about this. it's not like we weren't apart before- she spent her college years hundreds (thousands?) of miles away from me, and we didn't speak that often, save for a few cards/phone calls on birthdays. but the thought of her leaving for something so permanent was so hard for me to handle. i understand her need to serve others, though, and i respect her wish to make her impact on the world. i admire her courage, and her strength. i think for anyone, peace corps set aside, the chance to follow your heart into the unknown takes a special skill, a special strength, a special heart.

i guess this idea of service goes deeper than my issues today, or at the club, but i can see a pattern in my life. service doesn't always feel good, in fact, i'm not sure true service is supposed to, but at the end of the day, when you hold up your head, can you feel worthy? can you feel proud of the person you are, the people you helped, the person you're becoming?

note: the picture above is my time spent on crutches, in a cast, and learning to become a stronger person, with the help of my (then) boyfriend, (now) husband.

coffee and tissues

so, it's been awhile. that's because i have a cold and i am the biggest baby about being sick. i tend to complain (& bitch) about my throat hurting, not sleeping well, and my sinus pain, and then feel sad for myself. then i try to get husband to do all things for me (honey- will you please take the whites out of the dryer. can you get me a glass of orange juice? i cannot cook tonight, or go to the grocery store all week, babe). he's pretty good about being kind and compassionate, but the whites are still in the dryer and to solve the grocery issue he's been getting take-out/taking me out to eat. i mean, not a terrible arrangement, but i remember when i was at school and he would come down to clean my room and bathroom, make me soup, and leave airborne for me before he had to leave. once he had a bath drawn with orange juice, toast, and soup set out for me. living together is a whole different ballgame, ladies.

i'm not going to write much today because i have plans to go with my mom to bargain shop-- tj maxx and target. i know target has all those designer collaborations but i can't get over the fact that some of their stuff just feels so cheap to me. i'm a very tactile shopper- constantly touching things and exclaiming how soft or un-soft it is. oftentimes i will buy a shirt because it is the softest thing i've felt in the store all day, until i realize that having a million soft things does not a great wardrobe make.

but i'm excited because shopping with mom is always fun, and we always leave with some sort of too-dee-doo (gift). husband is a little annoyed about my parents always stopping by, which i agree has gotten a bit out of hand, but i love spending time with my mom. he doesn't understand how we talk on the phone every day, but she is the best person to talk to or spend time with. she is almost never in a bad mood and is always delighted to hear my voice. i can call her happy self up, complain for half an hour about my day and then hang up on her when someone else is calling and she will still love me and want to talk to me again in 5 minutes. she's honestly the nicest, kindest person i have ever met, although it does make me feel guilty that she's just so damn selfless.

my parents have been calling/stopping by an average of every 2.5 days, which can get to be too much for husband (and me). they call, no one answers, so the next step is to ride bikes over and ring the doorbell. i know we're this boring married couple now, but we still are newlyweds. doesn't that cross anyone's mind when they just show up on our doorstep? oh well, minor trials in our new life living in the same hometown in which i grew up (gag). nothing compared to having a stuffy nose in the middle of summer and sneezing every 5 minutes-- i have not been sick at all since, like, may of 08. all of a sudden- bam, cold season caught up with me. i really think its the house, too. its just so dirty. i think its like the time i had to go to school in the most ancient middle school building ever and came down with a ton of headaches and sinus infections, only to find out years later that the levels of toxins/asbestos in the majority of my classrooms were harmful and classes were moved out of those rooms at the end of every day (and then they tore the school down and built a brand-new beautiful one in its place). i had great memories in that place, but i think buildings and materials can really affect your well-being, and i'm blaming the house on my recent cold/flu virus.

alright- off to bed for another hour, perhaps, and then arming myself with coffee and tissues to make it through a morning of digging through bargain clothes/bags/shoes to try to find a deal. (why was i not born with, say, a trust fund?). thanks for reading- and i promise to write more later.

xo

landscaping and other musings

we landscaped about 1/8 of our front yard today. it was absolutely exhausting. the heat was exhausting, the stress of picking plants (me: this is pretty! look at the pink flowers and how bright it is! him: did you read the card? does it require sunlight? shade? how big does it get?), as well as actually "tilling soil" and "pulling roots" and fertilizing things. who knew it was that much work? plus, it doesn't even look like much once they're in the ground!

suddenly i'm such an adult, thinking about how best to edge our flower beds, and what type of ground cover we would like- purply flowering things, blue flowering things, or those little yellow ones? i want it to look so great and unique, something out of southern homes magazine or something, but i'm not sure we're there, yet. we did get this really great hydrangea tree that i can't wait to see grow- it looks so cute and little now, but when they are a little bigger they are just gorgeous.


oh, i should start over. i came home from work on friday to three boys, lots of bud light, half of our trees/shrubs uprooted and on the treelawn, and one boy says "hi emily. we had a slight issue with your ax"

1 broken ax, 1 broken shovel, and 1 case of beer later, my entire front yard was on the treelawn. my concern with landscaping it ourselves was that i didn't want husband and drunk friends to rip out everything and then it would be just barren for weeks. i know how we are- we get started with a project, it looks great, then we get a little burned out and before you know it it's 8 months later and that hallway still isn't painted. so, saturday we were at a wedding (and i spent the morning at the dmv with my mom getting a new -pink- license), and that meant sunday was planting day. our poor neighbors... we now have a little corner sort-of planted, and the rest of it is creating this interesting hedge-like contraption of brances, discarded evergreens, and dying hostas on our treelawn. But, it does look much better than it did- hostas are ugly, people. i have never seen a hosta i didn't think was ugly, and i don't think i ever will. hydrangeas are almost always pretty, so i am excited for our pretty new flowers to start to grow and bloom.

husband told me today that my blog is negative. he's not crazy about me writing this blog- he thinks i should really just get on with it and write a novel already, but i think he's starting to understand that this may be a good step forward for me towards that goal... who knows. he asked yesterday why i don't share it with him, so i started reading it out loud to him this morning. i think he loves being a character in the blog (jk). i need to figure out a way to disguise him when i write him in for my book.

it's so much easier to write what you know- a general rule of life, of course. all writing is extremely personal, i think, but most writers still stay within their comfort zone while exposing a personal side of themselves... an interesting oxymoron of the writer's dilemma, i suppose. i hope i can reach the point to where i can create characters, situations, challenges and obstacles on my own, away from what i may know to be true (or true to me). can we ever really separate ourselves, though? can you draw the line between art and reality? between that narrator in your head and the narrator in your story?

"The writer is odd from day one and in the course of pursuing this maddening profession becomes distinctly odder... It is not unusual for a successful writer - your favorite, the one you think of as full of sunshine, wisdom and laughter - to spend great portions of his or her life in a state of fury, hideously disappointed, or even raving mad... for a writer it is almost essential to pursue a solitary passion in the open air. " - Paul Theroux

that's it for now-- like i said, i am totally exhausted from spending the day outside, and i don't even have a tan to show for it!

f-ing bees

just a few quick thoughts before visiting with lola, the bunny.

1. yesterday, instead of knocking on our door and introducing themselves and letting us know we have bees in our sidewalk, our neighbors down the street decided to fashion together a little sign, warning the neighborhood of our bee issue.

seriously?

2. convinced the husband i needed a classy, yet subtly sexy LBD. he agreed. i now own this little number:


it's seriously tighter on me because i decided to buy the size i was before my wedding. unfortunately i have gained weight since the wedding, not much, but enough so that i'm getting annoyed about dress sizes that barely zip closed. it's a sort of sexy, slinky dress when its very tight, which i like. i also managed to convince him i needed a pair of peep-toe black pumps. white house/black market knows what they're doing when they offer to get you a pair of heels in your size while you're trying on dresses.

3. here's a story of my ankle injuries:
- in high school, rolled my ankle, was told i fractured a bone, eventually was told i just separated an accessory bone from the others and tore some tendons.
- also in high school, discovered at least 3 stress fractures i was unaware of in my other foot (oops) and received quite a few cortizone shots for it, as well as some quality time spent in p.t., not uncommon for athletes at all.
- in college, i fractured a bone in my other foot.
- that bone never heeled. it was determined i had osteopenia (i hate milk). then it was determined that i had RSD- reflexive sympathetic dystrophy, a nerve disease, basically. (look it up if you have questions)
- now i'm on my honeymoon, celebrating the 4th of july with a giant mai tai, and margaritas to-go. the night involved: stargazing (celebs and real ones) in sobe, watching the fireworks on the beach, shopping at 10pm and buying dresses (love the dress. somehow its really big on me, though), and falling off my 4 inch heels-with about an inch of a platform on them.

came home from the honeymoon with a very sore ankle #1, realizing i had separated the bones again. if i ever want to complain about my foot hurting, all i have to do is show people the bone that juts out from the side of my foot and they wince away, which is nice to have some evidence of an injury, i guess.

anyway, this all leads me back to the fact that i can't go for ridiculously long power walks anymore with my mom until my foot can be rehabbed enough so that i can make it 2 blocks after spending the day in heels, which it currently cannot do. i did get an x-ray with the only podiatrist in cleveland, apparently, that had an open appointment. he told me he'd like to put me in a cast, but since i drove to the clinic that day to see him, he wasn't going to make me have a cast (thank goodness- after 4 months on crutches while the RSD shit was going down, i probably would have gone crazy). the remedy is just some ibprofen, stretches that my husband makes me do (exercise scientist that he is), and a beer if it gets to be too much (my own idea). the heels every day probably don't help, but i wore a crazy brace for about 2 weeks afterwards and i'm just finished with the flip flops, plus i refuse to buy flats.

so, i have gained weight. i blame it on the lack of the power walks, but perhaps i should cool it with the mint milano cookies, or at least cut back for now...

long saga, right? i guess not too bad, i'm sure the girl who inspired me to publish this blog (one of my bests and a former gymnast) would have stories upon stories of injuries suffered on various apparatuses in the gym. :)

4. i went to the library today to pick up some manuals on learning adobe indesign, which i recently was able to acquire. it involved some covert operations on the part of a teacher id, license, and pay stub in order for me to get it at the teacher discount, but it's a very cool program, and definitely something i want to learn and master. i love photoshop. i don't know all the tricks (who does, though, right?), but i think i know enough so that i can move past the blurring layers together trick and start to really consider the design of it all. i want to be able to tap into patterns, fonts, colors, images and be able to put them together in a unique and totally memorable way. i also really, really want to know how to get quality images and vector masks, or how to make patterns and designs. isn't it funny where your passions take you? i just wish it were easier to be more flexible in school, or in going back to school.

when i was 18 i had no idea what the hell i wanted to do. teaching was fine, it was a new and challenging experience, but how was i to know that i liked design? and how am i supposed to learn new passions now? it's such a shame education is wasted on people so young. i wish i could have been thrown out into the world at 18 and then everyone has to go to college when they hit 30. probably throws off the whole family/marriage thing, but going to college later would allow you some time to mature and know your strengths and weaknesses a little better. talk about living in a bubble my whole life- from my small little town to my small little college, and my small little major.

last thought, i swear: 5. this is a terribly written blog post. i need to take my contacts out and go to bed so i can be productive tomorrow, but first i have to see lola and iron the husband's shirt (usually his job since i burn either myself or the clothing, but he was exhausted tonight-- wish me luck!!)

we see things as we are, not as they are

it's almost 11pm. why don't i go to bed at a normal hour? i decide i'm tired right when i want to be laying down, but then i have to do all of this stuff. my tooth routine takes 10 minutes by itself (which i've been terrible at lately. today i started flossing my teeth while driving home from work because i'm so paranoid about my teeth becoming all gross). anyway- i need to be healthier-- mind, body, everything. get more sleep, drink more water, maybe meditate/pray more often. it's just so hard to do daily- much easier to write about it, don't you think?

i started unpacking the rest of my stuff from my parents house today-- which is all currently in the middle of my family room-- and came across an old shoebox full of things i saved from the most memorable and heartbreaking time of my life. when i was 15 or 16 i started to really question many things (as i guess a lot of young people do at that age). i had my very best friend(s), my first few serious boy dramas, started to drink, stay out late, skip curfew... just tried to figure some things out-- without the help of my mom, for once in my life. one summer in particular i lived just this teen-soap opera life in which i would sneak out of my house, my friend's houses, go to concerts, smoke cigarettes on the beach, and have these nights fit for a tv show, except life in the suburbs of cleveland really wasn't that glamorous. and my makeup never looked as great as i thought it did (it still doesn't. can someone help??)

i came across countless notes (how did i ever have time to do anything else in school?), cards, pictures my ex would print off in photography class- collages of skateboarders on pink backgrounds with a cityscape and a short message to me, photos, a beer bottle and a mike's hard lemonade cap-- the drink of choice that we would take from my ex's neighbor's garage, of course. old nicknames, jokes, memories came crashing down on me.

what struck me in particular were my ramblings about love, relationships, juicy details from when i first met dave. i wrote a note/journal entry/blog on paper after FOUR months of knowing him, angry and upset that he was out with his friends (stupid melissa) and i still had high school finals week, saying that i wanted to marry him. that it scared me to think of us ever being apart, not raising a family with him, not growing old and fat together.

what's interesting is how completely insane my life was. my brain was wired like a middle-schooler's- always concerned about how to talk to boys, how to dress, how to act, how to be. and yet, i somehow recognized something in that time, something constant, something that i wanted to keep near me. (i was also a wreck because he was out without me- a total jealous bitch, i was at 17, but you know). after just 4 months, i wanted to marry him.

and almost 7 years later, i did. i guess as life moves on and forward and friends come and go, and we analyze and break down our relationships, our goals, our directions-- some things ARE constant. it helps to take a look at something that is just there, that you have kept close to you, close to your heart, and be reminded of a constant presence in your life. maybe for some people that is God, but i like being reminded to have faith in the non-heavenly beings i know... the constancy of my life in many different ways, many different phases.

"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two." - Louis Bernieres

cowboy, take me away...

lately i feel as though i need a vacation. not the type of vacation i would normally like to take, but maybe somewhere peaceful, private, possibly just by myself. i feel like i need to get my head straight, take some time to catch up with my thoughts and my emotions... but then, i also need a vacation to just catch up at home as well. will there ever be a moment when i can look around my house and not feel stressed because it's so undone? i know they say that the chores are never finished, and maybe they aren't. there will probably always be laundry, and cleaning to do, but i want a moment when i can sigh, feel comfortable if someone were to walk in to visit and wanted to use my bathroom, look at the top of my stove, or open a window, and then also a moment when i can look around and not feel guilty that i'm not doing anything for the house.

sometimes when there is just so much to do, or if i've put it off for far too long, i feel helpless, unmotivated to start working, start finding places for things, etc.

it's not so much being married that is stressful (although i guess it could be. i don't have the option of trying the experience without a variable factor), but the fact that the house is undone, and so messy, that stresses me. above all, i like to live in a place that is beautiful. i want beautiful art on my walls-- not just pictures because that's what we can afford, i want beautiful throw pillows and trinkets and furniture. i want it to be clean because then the pretty things will seem prettier. and i want it to be mine... like virginia woolf says, all i need is money and a room of my own. i know i am supposed to feel grateful, blessed, and say thank yous for all that i do have- but i just can't seem to be totally happy here.

with every step in life, i try to remind myself not to feel as though 'this is it! this is the moment when you can be truly, blissfully happy, emily!' because it never, ever is. except for your wedding day, i don't think there is just one time in which your blissful expectations match the reality of the moments. there's this quote i remind myself of, it is: "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

when we're out of high school, when we're in college, when we're in college together, when we're engaged, when we're married, when we're living together. life will be good. relationships are tough, though. they are full of blissfully happy moments, but also contain some of the most passionate emotions (at least mine do). no one else can make me so upset or bring me such joy as he can. and this time, of living together on our own is a challenge. it's emotionally challenging, physically challenging, and just a little tough. if i had to do it over again, would i have this house? no.

it's scary to think that- to think back and analyze your decisions, BIG decisions, and decide they weren't the best move to make. i love that i HAVE a house, but i don't love this house. i'm not sure if either of us do, actually. it's nice to have our space, our lawn, to be paying money towards something that is yours, it's nice to live 1 block from the beach, from an art gallery and wine bar, metroparks and a theater. yet i can't help but wonder what life would be like if we moved into one of the condos we looked into, or even an apartment. something that didn't require as much maintenance and upkeep. something that doesn't make me crazy.

word to the wise- buying a foreclosed home with almost no money and attempting to fix it and live there sucks.


anyway, back to my vacation (see image: the inn at castle hill. why did i not have my wedding there?) as much as i want to just go away with my husband and see new places, or relax on a beach, i also think of how much i need just some time to play catch up on my own. i feel like i'm 2 steps behind on so much at work- blame that on more responsibility, crazier schedule, or just the fact that my personal life affects ME so much more than i realize, but i think a vacation from that would be nice (or at least a vacation from the day-to-day). i also think that just taking a vacation with my best girlfriends and drinking wine and chatting for a long weekend would be great therapy as well.

we're planning a girls wine/martini night this weekend, and i couldn't be looking forward to it any more. once we all leave college we just don't keep in touch as much, which is understandable (and i'm the worst at it!) plus i haven't spent an extended amount of time with anyone but my husband in weeks, so it will be nice to have other company for a little bit :)

on a side note, i'm still moving out of my parents house. (i know, right?) i'm going through boxes of just... shit i decided to keep, and still want to keep, but realize now that it really doesn't have a place in my life anymore. notes from high school, random pictures, ticket stubs, collages from my ex (ex girl friend, not girlfriend, not boyfriend. but definitely the worse breakup i've ever endured). what do you do with your old lives? what do i do with my new one? the only song that feels appropriate for the moment is the lamest thing ever, but i will say it so you can all laugh at me. i'm thinking of kelly clarkson (!!) 'breakaway.' maybe i need a change? start a company, start pursuing some new passion, go back to school, start writing. (option C is already in the works- more details to come. grad school is pricey, though).

option D--- the easy way out is this blog. get me started writing, help me sort through things, my own personal therapy. the other, alternative idea would be to write a cult-like novel (see: Harry Potter, Twilight, Nicholas Sparks anything), then travel the world, have the book published in a minimum of 16 languages, and then it will be optioned for a movie. i will, of course, be perfect for the lead, and will then be rich and famous and can affort 10,000 condos or houses, and maids to go along with them. perfect, right?

ok, enough dreaming... back to writing thank you's. we're not done yet. i have done almost everyone i deem important, and now have to move onto the people i either don't know or don't have a strong desire to send a handwritten note to. (let's tell it like it is). husband, on the other hand, has done a total of 8 thank you's. i'm taking bets on how many more he will write... right now the over/under is 3. let me know what you think and i may send you a prize (can you tell i work in radio? yikes.)

thanks for reading, and if you want to contribute to my vacation fund i'm always accepting donations.... preferably in the form of a plane ticket and reservations at a resort in the mountains on a lake somewhere with a spa nearby.

xx