my life is like a mobile, spinning around.

i'm sitting here with lola, as she tries to bite my hand off every time i type... possibly this won't work out for a successful blog post... she may be sent to her cage soon. anyway, i haven't written much because i've been busy. lame excuse, i know. but by busy i mean that i got home from work late every night last week, and was feeling so overwhelmed/exhausted/semi-unmotivated that i just couldn't do much but flop on the couch for an hour before it was time for bed. we had events all weekend- which was terrifying because now i'm supposed to be in charge of them, but not really in charge yet, and all this limbo stuff made me sort of crazy. when i got home on sunday and realized we had another event after work on monday, i wanted to cry. however, things are looking up in the work-world, as in... i'm finally getting somewhat caught up that i feel like soon i can stop looking backwards and start looking forward-- making plans to make us more efficient, more creative, and focusing on growth instead of "how the hell did this get done in the past, and how the hell am i supposed to get it done now??" this promotion at work has definitely been taking over my life... and i feel like i'm just getting the nuts and bolts of it now... like i'm really a glorified intern, one who is just as an intern (not any of ours, but "intern" in general), but motivated to figure things out a little more. i actually am embarassed by my new title... i don't think i deserve it (yet). funny, huh? i should just get a grip and accept that those i respect have decided i can handle it and trust them.

anyway, that has truly been my life recently. but, i'm realizing again how important balance is in my life... i had this wonderful family friend/mentor describe my life as a mobile... meaning that all of the different things needed to balance each other out to keep it centered and moving. i only notice the mobile metaphor when things get out of hand, though. i noticed it at certain times in my life... she first brought it up to me when i received a letter from my birth mother. it was the oddest few days of emotions for me- for something that i've always accepted (being adopted), i hadn't ever considered the range of emotions tied into being someone else's child, being given away, and being brought into a new home. i had a million feelings of hate, love, confusion. for a long time i felt as though my life had been decided for me. once i spoke to this family friend/mentor, she explained the mobile concept to me and it clicked somehow. she also said that it was ok to be angry, and it was ok to not figure it all out right then. she suggested sitting with an unsettled feeling. just letting it be until the mobile could sort of right itself. it's such a huge concept that seems so little when you write it out- but the idea of sitting with an uneasy feeling is incredibly difficult (at least for me). knowing that you don't know how to feel, knowing that it's ok to not know how you're feeling.

my senior year of college i felt very unsettled about a lot of things. the life-mobile got out of whack as i realized that i had made every major decision that would define my life when i was 17 years old. i tried to rebel, to fix the unsettling feeling, and then realized that i wouldn't know the answers right away (if ever). i needed to make decisions that were the best for me and my health, and slowly the mobile worked itself out.

so, now that i had a few minutes to write, i'm still writing/thinking about work. amazing. today is the husband's birthday, and i had this fancy dinner all planned out for him: steaks with gourmet mushrooms, scallops, fingerling potatoes and asparagus and cheesecake factory for dessert. of course he's sick this week. which means that he's sort of sniffling and coughing and being gross with kleenex, but not that sick. meaning- he's still up for some things (wink). but sick enough to tell me after i went to the store late last night and thawed all the food for him (steak, scallops), that he didn't think anything would be very appetizing to him today and asked if we could go to alladin's for dinner instead. seriously? i was ready to scream. he doesn't even like birthdays that much, i don't think. he wants the dinner on friday now but that's not really his birthday. friday is always a good day for cooking because i don't feel bad about getting to bed early and i don't feel bad about the amount of wine i consume while cooking (kidding. kind of). but now he's sick again and asking when i'm going to be done writing. isn't it amazing how boys deal with a little bit of sickness? now, i was sick awhile ago, and acted as though the world was ending, but i was like, really sick. when i was on the phone with someone they asked what was wrong because i had a combination of phoebe's sexy voice (circa 'smelly cat') and an odd nasally voice sort of like ben stein. he is just sort of sniffling. anyway... it still is his birthday and i need to go to bed early tonight anyway (sleep has been ruling my life. it's not an option to get less than 7 hours, i just wouldn't make it anymore). so- here we are, boring married couple... anyone want to hang out this weekend? :)

hmm... ruined another baked good, and it's not even 8am yet. I am the world's most terrible baker. i keep thinking that i really just need more practice, so i know what i'm looking for, but i can't even make one (just one!!) great baked good. i just burned these cinnamon struesel muffins that come out of a box. it's always for some stupid reason, too. i didn't think they looked very golden brown after 16 minutes, so i popped them back in for another 5. oops. this morning consisted of husband getting up, waking me up as usual, and then me following him to the kitchen. i decided to make muffins because he ate not only all of his cereal this week, but all of mine as well. it was actually fun at first, i asked for an egg and he proceeded to try out my "soft hands" on the underhanded egg toss (it is labor day weekend, after all), and then i proceeded to crack the egg open all over the countertop. at which he yelled, asking me why i continue to bake, and i yelled because its really gross to try to pick up a broken egg yolk from the counter. anyway, after all that (and the dishes aren't even clean yet), i burned the muffins. go figure.

ohhh... breaking news in the middle of this post. so, lola (the bunny) was playing in this blanket we have in the office, just digging and being silly. she then all of a sudden took off (not too unusual), but then i realized she was being chased by a giant spider. GIANT. it serisouly had teeth, i think. i screamed, she ran into a corner and thumped, and then let out a little scream as well. ughhh thankfully, home renovator that my husband is, tools are left throughout our house. i just managed to kill it using a hammer, and miraculously didn't break the bookshelf. sick. my little town is beautiful, but living near the metroparks and on a wooded lot makes for tons of spiders... i'll have to tell husband where the carcass is so he can dispose of it after work, huh? poor little lola, i think she may be scarred for awhile. she's stretched out in her "i'm exhausted" position, breathing heavy and baring her teeth.

alright- off to enjoy this beautiful day... beginning with a nap, then laundry and a little bit of cleaning so i can not feel guilty about reading out on our deck while college gameday on espn blasts in the other room.

enjoy the weekend!!

light a fire and let it burn...

today i am wrestling with so many doubts and questions, and such a huge headache. i've asked this question before... but how do you pick up your confidence and light the match and set it all in motion? lately i feel like i'm dragging this weight behind me, and it's getting so frustrating. i don't feel motivated, and for me, it's usually for one of two potential reasons. 1) i don't feel challenged, or feel respect for those challenging me, 2) i'm just overwhelmed and don't feel like i have the confidence or resources, or time management skills to get. shit. done. i keeep going back to the example of the one letter i always forget to mail, or the dry cleaning, or the library books that i should just return already... but once it gets out there, i push it to the side, ignore it, and although occasionally it bubbles up and stresses me out, for the most part i can pretend it doesn't exist. i have SO much to do, that i can't seem to even put one foot in front of the other and move forward. i just stand there and pretend to not see the path. or make excuses for the path not being visible.

it's not just work things (although all of those changes are leaving me sort of spinning), but its the house again. don't you think i would be much better off if i just hired a housekeeper? i need someone to do my laundry, food prep (not cooking. i love my time spent cooking), cleaning, and dishes. landscaping would, as always, be nice.

the thing is, i imagine some people look at challenges, say something really lame like- "onward and upward!" and just get crackin. me, i seem to be looking at these new challenges with giant doe-eyes, a headache and an intense desire for some wine and a nap. i keep telling myself that was how i was when i first started my job- i felt really out of place and in over my head, and very, very confused. i felt the same way when i went to college (except then it was more of a: f***, how am i going to stay in this itty bitty town for four years of my life? hah. that fear never changed). don't you wish you had the ability to just freeze life- a la sabrina the teenage witch- walk around, take a nap, HOLD EVERYTHING until your brain felt better? i envy that almost as much as i envy the whole finger pointing zing-new-outfit-trick she pulled (could have used that this morning; my entire closet is currently either on the floor or the bed because i. have. nothing. to. wear.)

today, i started praying on the drive home. weird, right? oftentimes i will think about God, and it's not like i haven't prayed before... i used to every night, and often throughout the day. God's a weird concept for me, though. it's too big for my brain to handle, and i'm such a skeptical, analytical person that i often question 'who' the omniscient being is that i'm speaking to, and what exactly i expect to receive. i feel like such a hippie when i say/think this, but i am much more comfortable with my God being a sort of faithful energy, something different and meaningful for each person. i love, love, love the idea of God- i mean, who doesn't? the ultimate in authority, caring and fearful, loving and fair, a perfect being. to me, God has always seemed to be more of a constant being, something that gives me peace, but also serves as my conscious. extremely personal, in other words, and i can't imagine my God being the same for anyone else. i guess i don't even feel comfortable with the word God, to be perfectly honest. it's more of an extension of a spiritual thing for me. although i spent years at church camp as a kid (yes, really!), and i've gone through so many phases with my religious beliefs, i have just so many questions that are unanswerable... one thing i do know, is that i will always respect anyone's interpretation of their God (provided, of course, that their God does not approve of mass suicide bombings or other horrific deeds people do in the name of their God), because i would want respect and reverie of my version.

it's been a long day... got home late to the hubby watching bad vh1 reality tv. tool academy? daisy of love? that's pretty much on whenever sportscenter or the discovery channel is not on. i haven't figured out the draw of the discovery channel, except that we both love animals (but i really don't like that channel and all their swordfish-killing shows), and the fact that it broadcasts in 1080p- some type of high definition that he appreciates. so, i think i will close this post, weary and drop into bed...

i'll leave with a word from walt whitman :)

this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals despite riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss what ever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...
-walt Whitman


p.s.
i was thinking how much it sucks that you can't take a computer just anywhere with you and write. i can't just sit down on a bench and start typing in the middle of cleveland, and i can't just sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine and just type (maybe on a phone, like rev run, though. -- met him recently. big fan!). notebooks are so vintage, and sort of annoying, but maybe i'll have to start bringing it back into fashion. i'll write my entire novel from a phone or a steno pad- what do you think?