you & me

i have recently met a new group of people that i wanted to discuss because they intrigue me, and because i'm so surprised people like this exist so prevalently and want to connect with me.

confession: i am a bit of a celebrity whore. i love famous people. not all famous people, but with a good majority of famous people i meet i have this condition in which i want to be near them, hang out creepily by their side and listen to every word they say. it's somewhat embarassing, but i'm not too worked up about it. it's not like i meet celebrities daily. except for maybe athletes, since i work in sports, but i don't really count athletes as celebrities. unless you're david beckham (and if i met him, i don't think i would ever leave his side). so, i get the whole self-absorbed celebrity stuff. i actually think it's fine for them to just talk about themselves for four hours. i would hang on every word and be ok with it.

it's the non-celebrities, or "local" celebrities who think its necessary to be that self-absorbed that i just don't really understand. i've never met so many people in my life that can have conversations just about themselves. since when is it ok to not have any interaction in a conversation? i've really seen it at least five times in the past few months, and at first i thought there was a problem with me... since getting married, did i lose the ability to talk to other people aside from my husband? am i that boring that i just have nothing to say? do i miss the lulls in conversation that allow me to jump in with a laundry list of what's going on in my life? i started watching my conversations with (ahem) normal people and can now safely say that it is not me, it is without a doubt, completely and totally their fault.

the thing is, most of these people are actually really nice. it's just that they are self-absorbed. there are no questions from them about my day, my life, my job, my home. when i say no questions, i mean it. and then i start thinking that there must be something wrong with me because i've never been the approachable one. no one ever knows what to make of me- i'm shy and quiet at first, but i'm pretty opinionated. a teacher in high school once gave out awards at the end of the year. i got the serial killer award (yeah, she sucks as a teacher, clearly. it's amazing they allow people like that to teach and i couldn't land a job. whatever, anyway...). i have never wanted a million acquaintances, and ended high school and college with quite a few people i knew but didn't ever feel like initiating a 'hello' to in the bar. i'm just not that girl. i have my great friends, and i have people that i will occasionally make small talk with in the grocery store (or even the bar), but not many. it's outrageous how many people are just talking at me now. since when was i ever the girl that people just spilled their thoughts to? i'm convinced i've either gone soft or i'm somehow just meeting the most self-absorbed, obsessive people in the greater cleveland area.

and like i said, if i'm impressed by you, it's perfectly fine to talk about yourself. i definitely discriminate. i am not impressed by most small-time celebrities, athletes, etc. when i'm drunk this can change a little (we had a small incident in which i stayed next to jeff timmons of 98 degrees all night. oops). anyway, i find even with my closest friends from grade school, i'm becoming the one who just listens. and i get that- their lives are not as settled as mine, and i'm always up for listening if it will help someone i care about (and yes, i guess i care about most people). but this new epidemic of people is just a little too much for me to handle. maybe that's why i write this blog- it's my one chance to talk about myself. my thoughts, my feelings.

completely off-topic, although i think i've said all i can say without incriminating the semi-famous people i've been referring to, my bunny lola has just discovered she can handle hardwood floors. she's three years old but has always hated hard surfaces and will suicide jump to my shoulder if she is ever forced to be on a counter, vet table, or even the bathroom floor. however, letting her in the family room has allowed her to venture off into the world of hardwood floors. she is now exploring underneath all of our furniture and coming out covered in dust bunnies. yikes- time to start swiffering the dining room, i think.

alright- that's it for today.... have a wonderful weekend!

a time for everything under the sun.

i almost just wrote a blog post on the amount of television i've been consuming. you're welcome for saving you. instead, i will (in true oxymoronic fashion), discuss the fact that i feel so busy lately that i can't get a grip. i read someone's facebook status saying something about how she feels she's "always chasing her tail," and thought- yeah, i agree! ... insert comment about the epiphanies that now come from facebook.

the ultimate question- do i have the time, or do i just not make room in my schedule? i know i spend a significant portion of my time at work, or at events for work. however, when i am not at work... can i be more productive, and feel less like i have no time to do anything or see anyone? the truth is, i'm feeling drained. i barely have time to see my mom- we seriously schedule our time, and if that doesn't work then we schedule a timeframe. i feel guilty then making time to see others if i feel like i can't even connect to my mom- my best friends- etc.

and, to make this a full-circle complaint, i don't think i've ever consumed this much television in my life as i have recently. husband and i have 3 main tv shows we watch regularly. that's 2 more than i've ever watched regularly. EVER. when it's not one of those shows, it's criminal minds. that shit is addicting.

so, enough about the tv. the point is- i'm feeling drained, devoid of energy, unable to find time to work out, unable to get my ass off the couch and see those whom i need to reconnect with. i blame three things...

1. the weather. it's dark and cold. i can't go for walks by myself or with others because a) i'll get taken by some psycho like on criminal minds, and b) it's cold, dark, and icy.

2. i do work a lot, i think. when i was teaching, i was working a lot, too- but i would be done with my day at 4pm. now i'm not getting home until close to 7, sometimes much later, and all i want to do is collapse and not deal with things for a little while. (as an aside- i'm disappointed i'm not more concerned with my transition from working when i got home from work to the not opening my outlook unless necessary policy i've adopted since getting married and getting the house. i would think i would feel a little more guilty not working in the evenings, but i actually feel somewhat relieved). essentially, i'm gone/not at home/busy for at least 12 hours. that's half of my time right there...

3. marriage. i will say that marriage has many wonderful perks, but my time has been eaten up. it's pretty draining to be around someone all the time, i think. i don't always mean draining in a bad way, either... just take the word draining at face value. it's energy draining, sometimes great and wonderful energy and sometimes just energy.

and you know what- i look at my mentors at work and their time schedules- the e-mails, situations, brain power they put towards their projects... and i feel guilty. they, and really all of my colleagues, spend an incredible amount of time at work and with clients, and when they're not at work... they are working. i work with some of the most dedicated individuals i've ever been around. if we had that type of work ethic at the country club, it would be a much different place. it's inspiring, and then i start to think... i am really not that busy... i find time to watch 4 tv shows, right? i should be able to get up and go run a mile before work... i should be able to make phone calls when i'm at home instead of only in the car... i should be able to cook dinner, clean, and keep up with the laundry without the house looking like a fucking tornado by the end of the week. ... i can't.

i need this life coach to examine my time, change my habits, force new behaviors into my world. i also need a life coach to tell me to stop swearing in my blog post, write a novel already (dammit), and go to bed, emily. this post probably reads pretty poorly. i'm tired, so tired my head isn't staying up and every other word is being misspelled. ok, life coach- bed it is.

more later, more frequently, i promise.

if you see me slouching.

the holidays have come and gone... and instead of a sense of longing, i suddenly feel rested, encouraged, enlivened. i know it looks dead outside, but instead i think the new year has created some much-needed motivation and put some more life in my world. since the holidays are gone, i can look forward to saving up some money, enjoying time with friends, enjoying more free time, and moving forward on some goals that (now) seem only natural and very attainable. it was nice this year to have long weekends, feeling as though everyday is sunday, yet better than sunday because tomorrow is another free day.

it has occured to me that i have not been doing much to enlighten myself, to challenge my mind, to question my world. through the use of social media, i put my words and thoughts out there (twitter, this blog), yet i can't seem to see how anything i have written has enhanced anyone's day, expanded their mind, or enriched their life. maybe for entertainment purposes, maybe, but i am better than that. instead of an endless stream of babble, i am going to try to focus on enrichment. before i send my thoughts out to the universe- i will ask myself how this will enrich or enhance someone's day. if i cannot answer that question, then it is not worth sending. the world is not my sounding board, and i will respect those by trying to share only relevant and interesting information (according to yours truly, of course. hah).

it's not just the babble- but i am almost ashamed that each day i find myself unable to cite an article that made me think about something in a new and different light. so, i am reading more. taking my english department head's advice on this one. a bit of background: when i came to college, i had taken a post-secondary class on english composition that dealt more with critical theory than i ever experienced in four years of undergrad combined. it was challenging, and my professor at the local community college was exceptionally smart. she also made me re-write my paper on marxist ideologies and how they relate to 20th century plays (yes, i was 17 years old) TWICE until i made a sound argument. (the paper was titled "marxist paper from hellllll" on my computer, and still is). in high school, i was somewhat lazy, tired of the authority, the pot-smoking preppy AP kids. i was not a chosen "smart one," i did alright enough to earn scholarships, but not enough to care or be recruited for any AP class. so, my confidence level in my writing ability was not all there, and i don't know how much i cared, beyond what this professor at the community college told me (or didn't. looking back, i see that her making me re-write things must have been a compliment, but a simple 'A' would have made me feel better).

when i got to college, i figured i would probably major in writing, minor in education, and possibly history. my first literature class led to the professor (head of the english department) pulling me aside to discuss my potential. i told him i wanted to be a writing major. he lectured me with an argument that made two valid points. 1) i already knew how to write. 2) in order to learn to write well, you must first read. a lot.

so, i was an english literature major by my sophomore year and never looked back. (except now when i wish someone would have just simply SHOWN me what a press release looked like. aka real world writing). for the sake of mentioning it, this professor also realized my oxymoronic combination of laziness and longing for perfection. he therefore rarely gave me an a, although frequently used samples of my writing as examples to the other english students. story of my life, let me tell you.

anyway, my old professor's argument point #2 always stuck with me. in order to write, you must read. and i know this to be extradinarily true... when i am reading, thinking, challenging myself and the author, i become a better writer (and probably a better person). self realization of 2010- i am reading more. not just novels, but articles, blogs, magazines, and some critical reviews. first up: the dolphin people. next up: the zookeeper's wife. next? something non wwII. (i can't get stuck in a rut)... possibly a book called something like the bluebird and women's search for happiness (just read a review of it and it looks promising). i am also going to try to keep a better house... in order to complete my oxymoronic self, i must discuss being a wife and an intellectual.... and yes, i'm struggling to succeed with both of those.

back when i started this blog, i discussed the concept of a post-marriage me. it's becoming clearer and yet fuzzier at the same time. it doesn't seem so limiting, but at the same time, it's like planning a vacation... where do i go? what can i afford to lose? what can i invest? more questions and more opportunities have appeared, and yet i somehow feel more settled.

oh, and my final (i think) resolution: better posture. if you see me slouching, please remind me. i won't be mad, i promise. cheers!