sometimes when there is just so much to do, or if i've put it off for far too long, i feel helpless, unmotivated to start working, start finding places for things, etc.
it's not so much being married that is stressful (although i guess it could be. i don't have the option of trying the experience without a variable factor), but the fact that the house is undone, and so messy, that stresses me. above all, i like to live in a place that is beautiful. i want beautiful art on my walls-- not just pictures because that's what we can afford, i want beautiful throw pillows and trinkets and furniture. i want it to be clean because then the pretty things will seem prettier. and i want it to be mine... like virginia woolf says, all i need is money and a room of my own. i know i am supposed to feel grateful, blessed, and say thank yous for all that i do have- but i just can't seem to be totally happy here.
with every step in life, i try to remind myself not to feel as though 'this is it! this is the moment when you can be truly, blissfully happy, emily!' because it never, ever is. except for your wedding day, i don't think there is just one time in which your blissful expectations match the reality of the moments. there's this quote i remind myself of, it is: "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
when we're out of high school, when we're in college, when we're in college together, when we're engaged, when we're married, when we're living together. life will be good. relationships are tough, though. they are full of blissfully happy moments, but also contain some of the most passionate emotions (at least mine do). no one else can make me so upset or bring me such joy as he can. and this time, of living together on our own is a challenge. it's emotionally challenging, physically challenging, and just a little tough. if i had to do it over again, would i have this house? no.
it's scary to think that- to think back and analyze your decisions, BIG decisions, and decide they weren't the best move to make. i love that i HAVE a house, but i don't love this house. i'm not sure if either of us do, actually. it's nice to have our space, our lawn, to be paying money towards something that is yours, it's nice to live 1 block from the beach, from an art gallery and wine bar, metroparks and a theater. yet i can't help but wonder what life would be like if we moved into one of the condos we looked into, or even an apartment. something that didn't require as much maintenance and upkeep. something that doesn't make me crazy.
word to the wise- buying a foreclosed home with almost no money and attempting to fix it and live there sucks.
anyway, back to my vacation (see image: the inn at castle hill. why did i not have my wedding there?) as much as i want to just go away with my husband and see new places, or relax on a beach, i also think of how much i need just some time to play catch up on my own. i feel like i'm 2 steps behind on so much at work- blame that on more responsibility, crazier schedule, or just the fact that my personal life affects ME so much more than i realize, but i think a vacation from that would be nice (or at least a vacation from the day-to-day). i also think that just taking a vacation with my best girlfriends and drinking wine and chatting for a long weekend would be great therapy as well.
we're planning a girls wine/martini night this weekend, and i couldn't be looking forward to it any more. once we all leave college we just don't keep in touch as much, which is understandable (and i'm the worst at it!) plus i haven't spent an extended amount of time with anyone but my husband in weeks, so it will be nice to have other company for a little bit :)
on a side note, i'm still moving out of my parents house. (i know, right?) i'm going through boxes of just... shit i decided to keep, and still want to keep, but realize now that it really doesn't have a place in my life anymore. notes from high school, random pictures, ticket stubs, collages from my ex (ex girl friend, not girlfriend, not boyfriend. but definitely the worse breakup i've ever endured). what do you do with your old lives? what do i do with my new one? the only song that feels appropriate for the moment is the lamest thing ever, but i will say it so you can all laugh at me. i'm thinking of kelly clarkson (!!) 'breakaway.' maybe i need a change? start a company, start pursuing some new passion, go back to school, start writing. (option C is already in the works- more details to come. grad school is pricey, though).
option D--- the easy way out is this blog. get me started writing, help me sort through things, my own personal therapy. the other, alternative idea would be to write a cult-like novel (see: Harry Potter, Twilight, Nicholas Sparks anything), then travel the world, have the book published in a minimum of 16 languages, and then it will be optioned for a movie. i will, of course, be perfect for the lead, and will then be rich and famous and can affort 10,000 condos or houses, and maids to go along with them. perfect, right?
ok, enough dreaming... back to writing thank you's. we're not done yet. i have done almost everyone i deem important, and now have to move onto the people i either don't know or don't have a strong desire to send a handwritten note to. (let's tell it like it is). husband, on the other hand, has done a total of 8 thank you's. i'm taking bets on how many more he will write... right now the over/under is 3. let me know what you think and i may send you a prize (can you tell i work in radio? yikes.)
thanks for reading, and if you want to contribute to my vacation fund i'm always accepting donations.... preferably in the form of a plane ticket and reservations at a resort in the mountains on a lake somewhere with a spa nearby.
xx
oh Em, don't stop dreaming- the book idea is the most logical in my opinion....and i think the vacation would fit perfectly in there as a "work-related research project"- you'll have to take me, of course! I can think of nothing better than laying on a little beach in Santorini with you, drinking a glass (or bottle) of chilled wine and NOT writing thank you notes. good plan,in my opninion...until then though, fondue and cocktails tonight will do just fine!
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