my life is like a mobile, spinning around.

i'm sitting here with lola, as she tries to bite my hand off every time i type... possibly this won't work out for a successful blog post... she may be sent to her cage soon. anyway, i haven't written much because i've been busy. lame excuse, i know. but by busy i mean that i got home from work late every night last week, and was feeling so overwhelmed/exhausted/semi-unmotivated that i just couldn't do much but flop on the couch for an hour before it was time for bed. we had events all weekend- which was terrifying because now i'm supposed to be in charge of them, but not really in charge yet, and all this limbo stuff made me sort of crazy. when i got home on sunday and realized we had another event after work on monday, i wanted to cry. however, things are looking up in the work-world, as in... i'm finally getting somewhat caught up that i feel like soon i can stop looking backwards and start looking forward-- making plans to make us more efficient, more creative, and focusing on growth instead of "how the hell did this get done in the past, and how the hell am i supposed to get it done now??" this promotion at work has definitely been taking over my life... and i feel like i'm just getting the nuts and bolts of it now... like i'm really a glorified intern, one who is just as an intern (not any of ours, but "intern" in general), but motivated to figure things out a little more. i actually am embarassed by my new title... i don't think i deserve it (yet). funny, huh? i should just get a grip and accept that those i respect have decided i can handle it and trust them.

anyway, that has truly been my life recently. but, i'm realizing again how important balance is in my life... i had this wonderful family friend/mentor describe my life as a mobile... meaning that all of the different things needed to balance each other out to keep it centered and moving. i only notice the mobile metaphor when things get out of hand, though. i noticed it at certain times in my life... she first brought it up to me when i received a letter from my birth mother. it was the oddest few days of emotions for me- for something that i've always accepted (being adopted), i hadn't ever considered the range of emotions tied into being someone else's child, being given away, and being brought into a new home. i had a million feelings of hate, love, confusion. for a long time i felt as though my life had been decided for me. once i spoke to this family friend/mentor, she explained the mobile concept to me and it clicked somehow. she also said that it was ok to be angry, and it was ok to not figure it all out right then. she suggested sitting with an unsettled feeling. just letting it be until the mobile could sort of right itself. it's such a huge concept that seems so little when you write it out- but the idea of sitting with an uneasy feeling is incredibly difficult (at least for me). knowing that you don't know how to feel, knowing that it's ok to not know how you're feeling.

my senior year of college i felt very unsettled about a lot of things. the life-mobile got out of whack as i realized that i had made every major decision that would define my life when i was 17 years old. i tried to rebel, to fix the unsettling feeling, and then realized that i wouldn't know the answers right away (if ever). i needed to make decisions that were the best for me and my health, and slowly the mobile worked itself out.

so, now that i had a few minutes to write, i'm still writing/thinking about work. amazing. today is the husband's birthday, and i had this fancy dinner all planned out for him: steaks with gourmet mushrooms, scallops, fingerling potatoes and asparagus and cheesecake factory for dessert. of course he's sick this week. which means that he's sort of sniffling and coughing and being gross with kleenex, but not that sick. meaning- he's still up for some things (wink). but sick enough to tell me after i went to the store late last night and thawed all the food for him (steak, scallops), that he didn't think anything would be very appetizing to him today and asked if we could go to alladin's for dinner instead. seriously? i was ready to scream. he doesn't even like birthdays that much, i don't think. he wants the dinner on friday now but that's not really his birthday. friday is always a good day for cooking because i don't feel bad about getting to bed early and i don't feel bad about the amount of wine i consume while cooking (kidding. kind of). but now he's sick again and asking when i'm going to be done writing. isn't it amazing how boys deal with a little bit of sickness? now, i was sick awhile ago, and acted as though the world was ending, but i was like, really sick. when i was on the phone with someone they asked what was wrong because i had a combination of phoebe's sexy voice (circa 'smelly cat') and an odd nasally voice sort of like ben stein. he is just sort of sniffling. anyway... it still is his birthday and i need to go to bed early tonight anyway (sleep has been ruling my life. it's not an option to get less than 7 hours, i just wouldn't make it anymore). so- here we are, boring married couple... anyone want to hang out this weekend? :)