today i am wrestling with so many doubts and questions, and such a huge headache. i've asked this question before... but how do you pick up your confidence and light the match and set it all in motion? lately i feel like i'm dragging this weight behind me, and it's getting so frustrating. i don't feel motivated, and for me, it's usually for one of two potential reasons. 1) i don't feel challenged, or feel respect for those challenging me, 2) i'm just overwhelmed and don't feel like i have the confidence or resources, or time management skills to get. shit. done. i keeep going back to the example of the one letter i always forget to mail, or the dry cleaning, or the library books that i should just return already... but once it gets out there, i push it to the side, ignore it, and although occasionally it bubbles up and stresses me out, for the most part i can pretend it doesn't exist. i have SO much to do, that i can't seem to even put one foot in front of the other and move forward. i just stand there and pretend to not see the path. or make excuses for the path not being visible.
it's not just work things (although all of those changes are leaving me sort of spinning), but its the house again. don't you think i would be much better off if i just hired a housekeeper? i need someone to do my laundry, food prep (not cooking. i love my time spent cooking), cleaning, and dishes. landscaping would, as always, be nice.
the thing is, i imagine some people look at challenges, say something really lame like- "onward and upward!" and just get crackin. me, i seem to be looking at these new challenges with giant doe-eyes, a headache and an intense desire for some wine and a nap. i keep telling myself that was how i was when i first started my job- i felt really out of place and in over my head, and very, very confused. i felt the same way when i went to college (except then it was more of a: f***, how am i going to stay in this itty bitty town for four years of my life? hah. that fear never changed). don't you wish you had the ability to just freeze life- a la sabrina the teenage witch- walk around, take a nap, HOLD EVERYTHING until your brain felt better? i envy that almost as much as i envy the whole finger pointing zing-new-outfit-trick she pulled (could have used that this morning; my entire closet is currently either on the floor or the bed because i. have. nothing. to. wear.)
today, i started praying on the drive home. weird, right? oftentimes i will think about God, and it's not like i haven't prayed before... i used to every night, and often throughout the day. God's a weird concept for me, though. it's too big for my brain to handle, and i'm such a skeptical, analytical person that i often question 'who' the omniscient being is that i'm speaking to, and what exactly i expect to receive. i feel like such a hippie when i say/think this, but i am much more comfortable with my God being a sort of faithful energy, something different and meaningful for each person. i love, love, love the idea of God- i mean, who doesn't? the ultimate in authority, caring and fearful, loving and fair, a perfect being. to me, God has always seemed to be more of a constant being, something that gives me peace, but also serves as my conscious. extremely personal, in other words, and i can't imagine my God being the same for anyone else. i guess i don't even feel comfortable with the word God, to be perfectly honest. it's more of an extension of a spiritual thing for me. although i spent years at church camp as a kid (yes, really!), and i've gone through so many phases with my religious beliefs, i have just so many questions that are unanswerable... one thing i do know, is that i will always respect anyone's interpretation of their God (provided, of course, that their God does not approve of mass suicide bombings or other horrific deeds people do in the name of their God), because i would want respect and reverie of my version.
it's been a long day... got home late to the hubby watching bad vh1 reality tv. tool academy? daisy of love? that's pretty much on whenever sportscenter or the discovery channel is not on. i haven't figured out the draw of the discovery channel, except that we both love animals (but i really don't like that channel and all their swordfish-killing shows), and the fact that it broadcasts in 1080p- some type of high definition that he appreciates. so, i think i will close this post, weary and drop into bed...
i'll leave with a word from walt whitman :)
this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals despite riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss what ever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...
-walt Whitman
p.s.
i was thinking how much it sucks that you can't take a computer just anywhere with you and write. i can't just sit down on a bench and start typing in the middle of cleveland, and i can't just sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine and just type (maybe on a phone, like rev run, though. -- met him recently. big fan!). notebooks are so vintage, and sort of annoying, but maybe i'll have to start bringing it back into fashion. i'll write my entire novel from a phone or a steno pad- what do you think?
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