you've got a fast car- is it fast enough so we can fly away?

i can hear a train siren in the distance and it's annoying me. actually, not much isn't annoying me at this point... even lola was herded back to her cage after her display of thumping and biting when i tried to spend time with her tonight. it's a night in which i feel restless, which isn't helping at all. i guess because the majority of the night was spent on the couch, watching remakes of 90's soaps and feeling somewhat alone. i have this energy sort of balled up inside of me, and i'm annoyed because the world isn't open to it. i need to watch the clock... another work day exists in about 10 hours...

i'm also feeling annoyed about my money situation. husband and i combined accounts, which was fine. yes, just fine. i never thought i would really care about money- and i do care about how he spends it, but i hate having to think twice before i spend anything. i want enough to afford a car, great decor for our home, & napkins and napkin rings for thanksgiving dinner. but mostly i want that car. we've started the beginnings of a search for a new car... not sure quite what we're going to end with- most likely not a new one, but probably a pretty good used small suv.... there is the outside chance that we could go with a new one, however- especially since i work in a business where we support many different car dealers and have great relationships with them. so, we'll see.

i'm the type of bratty child that used to decide i wanted something and then get it. that didn't mean i didn't work for it. but me wanting something went sort of like... i decided on something i had to have, and proceeded to fixate on it for about 2-5 days. once i decided i had to have it, i started talking about it, asking about it for 1-2 days. finally, i would start negotiations with my parents. if they wouldn't pay for it, or split it with me (that was always the great go-to plan), they would tell me i had to work for it. and i would work my ass off doing chores, negotiating pay rates for vaccuming the car, walking the dog, shining dad's shoes. whatever they would pay me- i would take until i could get what i wanted. and then i would get it that day.

i think my tactics still shape a lot of how i behave and view purchases. i do make some pretty dumb day-to-day ones ($8 lunch... bottles of wine... etc), but when i decide i want something, i somehow subliminally come up with a plan for how i will get it. (case in point: front row n'sync tickets. i told my mom the night i heard the radio contest that i would win it the next day. and i did). so, this car thing is starting to click in my brain... i'm starting to fixate on it. driving to and from work is now more research (much like during the whole landscaping fiasco. i think i could tell you how many weeping cherry trees there are on lake rd for a 3 mile stretch while i was contemplating filling our barren lawn), and i'm starting to look at more cars than bmw and lexus... deciding that maybe, just maybe, i might be able to drive a chevy, or a jeep, or a nissan. hmmm...

so- my annoyed mood is not being helped by the fact that my brain is starting to fixate on a large purchase, requiring a down payment and monthly payments (both of which i hate). sometimes i get into this weird mood where i just think things should be mine. i don't think i have a conscious thought process for it, but i've caught myself almost stealing weird things because i think that it's mine. (for example: at a particularly expensive lunch joint, i tend to reach for a diet coke. after i've paid). i feel that way about things i hate to purchase- gas, toilet paper, tampons, vacuum bags... or, big-ticket items, like a car, or a sexy black leather coat. why- really, why- does anything need to cost that much in this world? i would help the economy a lot more if cars were more like a pair of louboutins... a big enough purchase to not do it every month (or even every 6 months) but not big enough to go into debt over.

ughhh no more money talk. i'm an old married lady aren't i? sick... what a completely negative and annoying post. i think i will say some thank you's to clear the air, settle my score with the universe. send some positivity my way, i could use the less-restless sort of energy....