"and you'll be mine, forever and almost always..." a lyric from a singer/songwriter i happen to love.
at almost(!!) 25 years old, i guess i'm young to be almost(!!) married one year, have a home, a puppy, and in general spend my friday nights lounging on the couch watching movies and doing laundry. to some reading this, that may sound like hell. i mean, it's not the 1950's anymore, right? i'm a young woman, a young professional, i should be at happy hours, exploring the city, making new girlfriends and closing the bar with a cosmo in each hand!
this weekend i talked with a friend about the concept of forever. getting married is a huge commitment- how was i able to do so and make the transition seamlessly? i guess to preface-- i did not exactly make the transition without some bumps in the road. namely my senior year in college i decided to change everything about my life (teaching? nah). i went through some pretty rough weeks sorting through my emotions and getting myself prepared to "take the plunge." however- once i made the decision (again-- I think since i was 17 i had made the decision to be with him for a very long time), it wasn't about looking back. and it wasn't that much about looking forward.
one thing i'm trying to consider and remember is the importance of each day, each hour, each moment. at 25 years old (while it IS young), a quarter of my life is over. the decision that was eventually unquestionably the right one, the decision to get married, is really more based on a here-and-now philosophy. he makes me happy NOW. i know that someday i want to build a family together. (i don't know that someday- i know that NOW, but i don't want a family NOW. does that make sense?). i know that right now, to be the happiest person i can be, it's right here, in this home, with this guy, and enjoying my time spent with another person. maybe that's a childish way to look at things, but the here and now of a "forever" perspective is important to me. it's important to remember what it feels like to laugh, to enjoy a lazy sunday, to enjoy the days we spend together. and those days turn into weeks, which turn into months and years, and eventually we've enjoyed a whole year together, and forever doesn't seem so crazy. if we make healthy decisions for the best in our relationship, then we will grow together through the years. i know that if i'm ever more unhappy than i am happy, i can make decisions to help me through that. i'm not saying that i went into the marriage thinking it could go wrong- on the contrary, i went into a marriage choosing to be happy. happiness that lasts every day (except when he leaves his socks in the hallway), and then every year.
maybe for some, happiness is living a life of a roller-coaster-- the ups and downs of dating, breaking up, dating again, choosing to be with people who don't have the potential to make you happy for days on end... maybe for some those hills and valleys of emotions work. for me, they don't. i don't believe i was too young to be married, to choose to be happy. it's an interesting concept, this "forever"... and instead, it's more like a forever and almost always concept- it's not about the forever, it's about the choices you make today and tomorrow and the next... the choices that will make you well, make you healthy, and make you feel as though you're living.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
morning musing.
there are quite a few things i enjoy about working downtown... and one of them is my secret fascination with bike messengers. not so secret, i guess, because i do discuss it often whenever i see one. i love the duct-taped messenger bags, really worn chuck taylors covered in sharpie, green pants that have been cropped off and cool fingerless gloves they all wear. i love the lifestyle, the attitude, the costume.
so i just went back to bed after seeing the husband off to his job on saturday mornings (yes, we get up at 5am). i felt guilty because i put maisie back in her crate instead of sleeping with her on the couch, and turning off the lights by myself in an empty house continually freaks me out. it's no surprise, when i go to bed in such a freaked-out, guilty mode, that i would wake up with a jolt then because of a bad dream. and guess who suddenly arrived in my dream, screaming/bellowing at me in a devil-like fashion? yeah. a bike messenger. my secret fascination might be turning creepy...
whew. anyway, i felt like i should update this at some point... not sure who all reads the blog but the feedback from my very close friends has so far been positive. i've been thinking about being in my 20's and living in this great city (great... miserable? whatever). the dining out options, the bar options, everything is just so wide open for exploring and husband and i do very little of that. michael symon opened a restaurant 5 minutes from my house and it took us months to get there. yikes. the problem with clevelanders, i think, is the polarity most have in the suburbs. if we were to go to dinner, by the time we've decided we are officially too hungry to even think about making something at home, we're ready to go to the staples- we stick to our normal west-side locales. and, we're homebodies. the other week, a friend was over and at 11:00-ish, he decided it was a good time to meet up with some friends in tremont. i had been asleep on the couch for a good 1.5 hours by then. maybe if husband didn't have to work on saturdays and wake us both up at 5am things would be a little different. maybe. tonight we have big plans with our parents and some friends, and the neighbors (parents', not ours. i told you before we're the black sheep of the neighborhood), are going to see a band play at a little bar in north olmsted. ok, so its still the west side, but i am secretly giddy about doing something out of the ordinary at least. i'm planning on consuming lots of bud light and dancing ridiculously to middle-aged men rocking out to "hang on sloopy" (don't judge).
alright... i'm getting sleepy again... maisie was the most extreme version of herself yesterday- she was absolutely a complete puppy-nutcase. i've never seen her that hyper before, actually, i've never seen her awake for that long. husband chose to buy her two of the ugliest toys in the pet store last night. of course she loved them. one is a red tube thing that has a black tail on one end with a squeaker in it. i'm thinking its used to train hunting dogs to kill coons. the other is a squeaky moose- it's lime green with obnoxiously painted antlers- in a diarrhea/orange color. hideous. and maisie went nuts. i'm plotting how to throw away the toys without husband or dog noticing but so far i'm not coming up with a thing. i might just hide one under the couch (strategically, so i can implicate maisie if husband ever finds it). anyway... she has been sleeping on me this morning for a good three hours at least, after sleeping all night. poor hyper puppy... i think she totally wore her self out (at least, i hope. last night was intense!). she's doing the dog-dreaming thing now- twitching, eyes fluttering, little snorts. i almost want to wake her because she's just too cute right now. i'm getting sleepy too... i think it's time to make some coffee and then get started on cleaning this house... it's a trainwreck every saturday.
so i just went back to bed after seeing the husband off to his job on saturday mornings (yes, we get up at 5am). i felt guilty because i put maisie back in her crate instead of sleeping with her on the couch, and turning off the lights by myself in an empty house continually freaks me out. it's no surprise, when i go to bed in such a freaked-out, guilty mode, that i would wake up with a jolt then because of a bad dream. and guess who suddenly arrived in my dream, screaming/bellowing at me in a devil-like fashion? yeah. a bike messenger. my secret fascination might be turning creepy...
whew. anyway, i felt like i should update this at some point... not sure who all reads the blog but the feedback from my very close friends has so far been positive. i've been thinking about being in my 20's and living in this great city (great... miserable? whatever). the dining out options, the bar options, everything is just so wide open for exploring and husband and i do very little of that. michael symon opened a restaurant 5 minutes from my house and it took us months to get there. yikes. the problem with clevelanders, i think, is the polarity most have in the suburbs. if we were to go to dinner, by the time we've decided we are officially too hungry to even think about making something at home, we're ready to go to the staples- we stick to our normal west-side locales. and, we're homebodies. the other week, a friend was over and at 11:00-ish, he decided it was a good time to meet up with some friends in tremont. i had been asleep on the couch for a good 1.5 hours by then. maybe if husband didn't have to work on saturdays and wake us both up at 5am things would be a little different. maybe. tonight we have big plans with our parents and some friends, and the neighbors (parents', not ours. i told you before we're the black sheep of the neighborhood), are going to see a band play at a little bar in north olmsted. ok, so its still the west side, but i am secretly giddy about doing something out of the ordinary at least. i'm planning on consuming lots of bud light and dancing ridiculously to middle-aged men rocking out to "hang on sloopy" (don't judge).
alright... i'm getting sleepy again... maisie was the most extreme version of herself yesterday- she was absolutely a complete puppy-nutcase. i've never seen her that hyper before, actually, i've never seen her awake for that long. husband chose to buy her two of the ugliest toys in the pet store last night. of course she loved them. one is a red tube thing that has a black tail on one end with a squeaker in it. i'm thinking its used to train hunting dogs to kill coons. the other is a squeaky moose- it's lime green with obnoxiously painted antlers- in a diarrhea/orange color. hideous. and maisie went nuts. i'm plotting how to throw away the toys without husband or dog noticing but so far i'm not coming up with a thing. i might just hide one under the couch (strategically, so i can implicate maisie if husband ever finds it). anyway... she has been sleeping on me this morning for a good three hours at least, after sleeping all night. poor hyper puppy... i think she totally wore her self out (at least, i hope. last night was intense!). she's doing the dog-dreaming thing now- twitching, eyes fluttering, little snorts. i almost want to wake her because she's just too cute right now. i'm getting sleepy too... i think it's time to make some coffee and then get started on cleaning this house... it's a trainwreck every saturday.
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