it's almost 11pm. why don't i go to bed at a normal hour? i decide i'm tired right when i want to be laying down, but then i have to do all of this stuff. my tooth routine takes 10 minutes by itself (which i've been terrible at lately. today i started flossing my teeth while driving home from work because i'm so paranoid about my teeth becoming all gross). anyway- i need to be healthier-- mind, body, everything. get more sleep, drink more water, maybe meditate/pray more often. it's just so hard to do daily- much easier to write about it, don't you think?
i started unpacking the rest of my stuff from my parents house today-- which is all currently in the middle of my family room-- and came across an old shoebox full of things i saved from the most memorable and heartbreaking time of my life. when i was 15 or 16 i started to really question many things (as i guess a lot of young people do at that age). i had my very best friend(s), my first few serious boy dramas, started to drink, stay out late, skip curfew... just tried to figure some things out-- without the help of my mom, for once in my life. one summer in particular i lived just this teen-soap opera life in which i would sneak out of my house, my friend's houses, go to concerts, smoke cigarettes on the beach, and have these nights fit for a tv show, except life in the suburbs of cleveland really wasn't that glamorous. and my makeup never looked as great as i thought it did (it still doesn't. can someone help??)
i came across countless notes (how did i ever have time to do anything else in school?), cards, pictures my ex would print off in photography class- collages of skateboarders on pink backgrounds with a cityscape and a short message to me, photos, a beer bottle and a mike's hard lemonade cap-- the drink of choice that we would take from my ex's neighbor's garage, of course. old nicknames, jokes, memories came crashing down on me.
what struck me in particular were my ramblings about love, relationships, juicy details from when i first met dave. i wrote a note/journal entry/blog on paper after FOUR months of knowing him, angry and upset that he was out with his friends (stupid melissa) and i still had high school finals week, saying that i wanted to marry him. that it scared me to think of us ever being apart, not raising a family with him, not growing old and fat together.
what's interesting is how completely insane my life was. my brain was wired like a middle-schooler's- always concerned about how to talk to boys, how to dress, how to act, how to be. and yet, i somehow recognized something in that time, something constant, something that i wanted to keep near me. (i was also a wreck because he was out without me- a total jealous bitch, i was at 17, but you know). after just 4 months, i wanted to marry him.
and almost 7 years later, i did. i guess as life moves on and forward and friends come and go, and we analyze and break down our relationships, our goals, our directions-- some things ARE constant. it helps to take a look at something that is just there, that you have kept close to you, close to your heart, and be reminded of a constant presence in your life. maybe for some people that is God, but i like being reminded to have faith in the non-heavenly beings i know... the constancy of my life in many different ways, many different phases.
"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two." - Louis Bernieres
beautiful, beautiful quote. beautiful thoughts. its nice to know we survived high school, yes? there were so many times this past year while teaching that I'd think ( in reference to my teenage students) 'i do not envy you. my life is not easy, but still, i'm glad i'm not you') they are necessary years and important ones, but yikes.
ReplyDelete(i feel tacky for commenting on nearly ever post... trying to restrain myself but i love your writing and feel compelled to respond... its like a bird call... you call... i mimick... except yours is the real bird and i'm the one with the whistle and birding hat...)
haha-- first of all, i love the idea of a bird call... and i think if i'm a bird, you're a bird. some people are just meant to be friends, meant to be alike- and you and i are both birds. :) plus, the notebook reference is too much.
ReplyDeletehigh school was such an emotional time for me, it scares me to think of how young we were, how dangerous we were (with emotions or otherwise). it's such a blessing i met dave when i did- but also so surreal. i do not envy my high school students, either.