love affair with the tropics

ok, maybe not a love affair with the tropics, but definitely a love affair with the water. i grew up in a town with a beach... and to be honest, my favorite time to visit the beach is the fall. let me explain: in the summer, the beach is filled with a vast array of the trashiest, whore-iest, nastiest people cleveland has to offer. and i'm not exaggerating. the beach is littered (literally and figuratively) with trash. you can find extended families with about 20 children running naked around, screaming, and their barefoot, pregnant moms chasing after them. or, sometimes, sitting and smoking with them. you can find a representation of the biggest gangstas/wangstas cleveland has to offer, often with their whole ass/boxers hanging out and a nice little shaved chinstrap along their face. then there's always the fun game of tattoo scavenger hunt. i bet you i could find a popeye tattoo with a naked chick hanging on the other arm and a tweety bird on the calf. see? i win!

when i was little, mom used to forbid me to go there by myself, of course the second i was allowed to ride bikes to get ice cream i would promptly disobey her, and often be exposed to the most tricked out pontiacs around. bass blaring, green neons running along the side, and pornos playing in the trunk. then they would all rev their engines and take off to drag race, or just drive really loudly to their parties.

so, the beach in the summertime is not always the most fun time. however, in the fall, when its cold enough to scare away most of the trash and leave behind only a few stoned teenagers, i love going and sitting by the water. for as long as i can remember, i have gone to the beach when i need to think, when i need to be reminded of how large the world is, and how signficant and completely insignificant i am. i guess i feel a sort of strange connection to the water- it reminds me of a different world-- i once heard that we know more about outer space than we do the ocean-- but it also reminds me of the most special memories... vacations, laughter, even the feeling of conquering your fears. i have so many memories with the water- from my short stint on the diving team in high school, including the bruises it gave me as i learned new tricks, and the feeling of freedom as i plunged from a 7 meter platform, and also the time i sunk beneath the surface after hitting my head on the board... it reminds me of learning to waterski, flying across the surface, and the moments of solitude as i sat on the beach, writing in my journal when i was 15 years old.

i went to visit the mountains out west with my family and i felt unsettled. i guess i felt unsettled for a number of reasons (the mormons in salt lake city did not help), but i knew i could never feel peaceful next to them. i saw how majestic and beautiful it was to see mountains covered in snow as you drove along the highway, but it reminded me of how much i love the ocean, the lake, the water. i really think i have a love affair with the tropics. i breathe easier when i'm standing on the edge of something immense and complex... and i feel much more connected to the ground. today i wasn't feeling well at all, and needed to escape my house and its stuffy air, so i walked the short walk to the beach. now, i would love to live on the water, but sometimes it's so magnificent to me, i wonder if my house were on the edge of that if i would be able to handle it. it would be a cathartic experience almost every time i saw the water... anyway... random musings before bed... i need to get some rest so i can feel 100% for the weekend- i love weekends.

you've got a fast car- is it fast enough so we can fly away?

i can hear a train siren in the distance and it's annoying me. actually, not much isn't annoying me at this point... even lola was herded back to her cage after her display of thumping and biting when i tried to spend time with her tonight. it's a night in which i feel restless, which isn't helping at all. i guess because the majority of the night was spent on the couch, watching remakes of 90's soaps and feeling somewhat alone. i have this energy sort of balled up inside of me, and i'm annoyed because the world isn't open to it. i need to watch the clock... another work day exists in about 10 hours...

i'm also feeling annoyed about my money situation. husband and i combined accounts, which was fine. yes, just fine. i never thought i would really care about money- and i do care about how he spends it, but i hate having to think twice before i spend anything. i want enough to afford a car, great decor for our home, & napkins and napkin rings for thanksgiving dinner. but mostly i want that car. we've started the beginnings of a search for a new car... not sure quite what we're going to end with- most likely not a new one, but probably a pretty good used small suv.... there is the outside chance that we could go with a new one, however- especially since i work in a business where we support many different car dealers and have great relationships with them. so, we'll see.

i'm the type of bratty child that used to decide i wanted something and then get it. that didn't mean i didn't work for it. but me wanting something went sort of like... i decided on something i had to have, and proceeded to fixate on it for about 2-5 days. once i decided i had to have it, i started talking about it, asking about it for 1-2 days. finally, i would start negotiations with my parents. if they wouldn't pay for it, or split it with me (that was always the great go-to plan), they would tell me i had to work for it. and i would work my ass off doing chores, negotiating pay rates for vaccuming the car, walking the dog, shining dad's shoes. whatever they would pay me- i would take until i could get what i wanted. and then i would get it that day.

i think my tactics still shape a lot of how i behave and view purchases. i do make some pretty dumb day-to-day ones ($8 lunch... bottles of wine... etc), but when i decide i want something, i somehow subliminally come up with a plan for how i will get it. (case in point: front row n'sync tickets. i told my mom the night i heard the radio contest that i would win it the next day. and i did). so, this car thing is starting to click in my brain... i'm starting to fixate on it. driving to and from work is now more research (much like during the whole landscaping fiasco. i think i could tell you how many weeping cherry trees there are on lake rd for a 3 mile stretch while i was contemplating filling our barren lawn), and i'm starting to look at more cars than bmw and lexus... deciding that maybe, just maybe, i might be able to drive a chevy, or a jeep, or a nissan. hmmm...

so- my annoyed mood is not being helped by the fact that my brain is starting to fixate on a large purchase, requiring a down payment and monthly payments (both of which i hate). sometimes i get into this weird mood where i just think things should be mine. i don't think i have a conscious thought process for it, but i've caught myself almost stealing weird things because i think that it's mine. (for example: at a particularly expensive lunch joint, i tend to reach for a diet coke. after i've paid). i feel that way about things i hate to purchase- gas, toilet paper, tampons, vacuum bags... or, big-ticket items, like a car, or a sexy black leather coat. why- really, why- does anything need to cost that much in this world? i would help the economy a lot more if cars were more like a pair of louboutins... a big enough purchase to not do it every month (or even every 6 months) but not big enough to go into debt over.

ughhh no more money talk. i'm an old married lady aren't i? sick... what a completely negative and annoying post. i think i will say some thank you's to clear the air, settle my score with the universe. send some positivity my way, i could use the less-restless sort of energy....

sometimes i sit down to write with no thought on what this post will be: i just know i need to write. it's a sort of hunger, or a combination of hunger and the feeling of needing to journal but not willing to wait for the inspiration to hit. i received a wonderful e-mail from a close friend of mine, someone whose opinions and thoughts inspire me to think deeper, more creatively- whether she's improvising song lyrics on the spot or writing about a philosophical aspect of our lives, her words and thoughts definitely ignite a creative spark in myself- and i love people like that (i will write back to your e-mail, i promise!!). isn't it great to meet someone who reminds you of a part of your personality that you forgot about? i think we all play a kind of role when we're around most (actually, all) people. and day-to-day i play my role, but when i'm reminded of another aspect of myself i really value the people who are able to bring it out.

that seems vague. but you know that friend-of-a-friend that you click with? you end up telling them far more than you should, sharing a part of yourself that you don't share with your friend... or that person in your networking group that brings out a different sense of humor in yourself. i love that feeling- it's like being refreshed, a big clean shower and a 'i forgot what this feeling was like. it's cool. not everyday cool, but pretty cool, nonetheless.'

this weekend was a bit of a rough one-- lots of little arguments, some big arguments from both husband and i and our friends. luckily, all husband and i argued over was having a cookout at our house on sunday (we tend to get angry about little things. but then cool off because i think we both realize that when you live together/are married, there's really nothing you can do to escape the other person. in other words, they will still be there later that afternoon, the next day, and the next day. so, really, why are you fighting over potato salad? it's made us much more mature, i promise). anyway, this weekend was rough because i was reminded of college relationships all over again. it wasn't unusual for all of us (friends, acquaintances, us) to be fighting, angry with each other, to feed off each other's pissed-off-ness and just escalate everything. we went to a wedding where tensions somehow got very high, and it ended with us just being exhausted and driving home at midnight. now, i miss college, and i'm the first one to recognize that it was an amazing time of irresponsibility and f-ed up priorities (for example: i would get very stressed about classes, and then end up skipping them in favor of naps. -- a word on naps-- seriously? what was wrong with me that i felt it was ok as an adult to be upset if i didn't get a nap in at least once every two days??). however, for as amazing as college was, i was reminded tonight that sometimes its not fun to stand outside, sort-of drunk and discuss someone else's relationship. or to be irrationally mad at your boyfriend (or husband) because he hadn't brought you a glass of water and a salad. amazing, really. college was lots of fun, but i like being a little more mature about how i relate to my friends and boyfriend/husband.

this blog entry isn't very full of outstanding wisdom or witty thoughts... my apologies. to be honest, i'm a little distracted because i've had a glass of wine, and husband is flipping between football (gotta see how braylon is doing) and rob & big- occasionally offering commentary on rob's antics and encouraging shouts towards braylon. so... that's it for tonight. maybe i'll have some deep, philosophical thoughts for all later this week. :)

"it doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. i want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy"

(my favorite- albeit unusual- passage from the reading at my wedding).

this road is anything but simple.

i went to a concert last night, of a girl i knew in high school. it was a great time, and reminded me how much i miss going to shows. somewhere between 16 and 17, i spent my friday nights at shows, and got lost in the moment as someone else shared a piece of their soul with 200 other people. some things are the same: a new outfit, getting dressed up in a quasi-rocker look, black eyeliner, skinny boys on stage singing their teenage hearts out, the feeling you get when you connect with a room full of people. some things have changed: instead of a group of girlfriends, i was with one person, my husband. i no longer feel a rush when i drink a beer at a concert, nor do i feel anxious as the night comes to a close (because really, after curfews ended, the fun of 1am doesn't quite get you as high as it used to). it was a great night because it was different, and because it felt-a little- like i was 16 again. young, the world in front of me.

it was also a little sad, because it made me want to pursue a dream like that...

i recently read 'outliers' by malcolm gladwell (see: blink, the tipping point- all are great), about how some people live as outliers- outside the crowd, the clutter. everyone from bill gates to mozart to the beatles. it was fascinating to read a discussion on how people receive advantages and opportunities (ex: you have an incredibly better chance of becoming a professional hockey/baseball/soccer player if you were born in certain months, depending on the age cut-offs in the pee-wee leagues), as well as the amount of practice time/passion one must dedicate to their craft. i guess it doesn't hurt to be pretty, either. (had to throw that in there). so what are you passionate about? and what opportunities have come your way?

birthdays & an anniversary... sort of.

i wanted to write a post about this, but i'm not sure how to write it without it seeming super-sappy and lame (and annoying). but, what the hell. it's still my birthday week, and therefore i really can do whatever i want to do, right?

so, here it goes: i've just had the best week with my new husband! haha... i know, right? but really, i have had a great time lately. this weekend was pretty fun, but the best part was sunday (our 3 month, coincidentally), when we spent our time running errands and finding some fall-ish things for the house (my idea, not his). and sunday night we watched our wedding video with little lola (again, my idea, not his). but while watching our wedding video, a few things really struck me: how amazing it was to have almost all of the most meaningful people in our lives there for us- whether they were standing next to us, or participating in the ceremony, or simply offering their support, prayers, and well-wishes, it was just an amazing day for both of us. and although it went so quickly, it was wonderful to watch the video and feel as though our marriage was... reconfirmed, somehow.

anyway, moving beyond the wedding moments- we also celebrated my birthday yesterday, which was so much fun. plus, he managed to suprise me with a new bag- which i love. we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and just ordered apps and a bottle of wine- perfect! it was honestly a great time- a nice, romantic evening, but as i recall saying my first post- sometimes he is a passionate lover, sometimes he is a best friend, and most of the time he is both to me. lately it's been a nice mix of the two. romantic evenings, and also just laughing, playing, and being best friends- and what more can you ask for? all in all, it was a fab birthday, and although i am ignoring the age part of the whole process- i do love any excuse for presents, wine, and cake.


see above image- the little dog my sister is watching was with me on my birthday- she can smile (really- you say 'Mollie Smile!' and she does!)

life is slowly righting itself. lately i'm trying to remember to look past the day- the night-the week- even the year. i re-read my previous posts and realized that so often i'm terrified of something that will most likely break down given a week, or even just a few months. i need to look beyond those scary moments of indecision, overwhelming emotions, whatever, and think in more of a complete big-picture sense. my friend who is in the peace corps- she is going to be gone for two years, true, but in many ways, that is only two years. two meaningful years for most of us at this age, but just two, nonetheless. a colleague once told me about a certain profession (i feel weird writing it in here) that lives week-to-week, which is why all of those who own businesses in that profession are pretty manic-depressive. and, if you think about it- it's probably true. it's time to look past the week and see some more complete pictures of my life-- isn't that what marriage is about? enjoying the happy, beautiful, fun moments, but also seeing past the bullshit to a more complete picture.

anyway, i'm still in the process of decorating our house. other than work and enjoying my marriage, i have been spending my time slowly realizing that no (read: absolutely NO) stores will carry the perfect curtains for my family room. part of the problem is that i have no idea how to pick curtains, but i know i haven't found any. our house is sort of modern-cottage-beach-chic. i would like to think, at least. the goal this weekend is to gather the rest of our furniture for our family room (finishing things- like floor lamps- my life is thrilling, i know) and clear out the guest room. it's holiday season which means all i want to do is throw parties- fall parties, halloween parties, thanksgiving dinner, christmas parties, new year parties. lots, and lots of entertaining and cooking-- get ready!!

alright, computer may die, and husband is already on his way to bed, and i should really get some sleep so i can be on time to work once this week...

"to know someone with whom you can feel an understanding in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed... well, that can make this life a garden."