so today we had a meeting that went late, and i didn't get home until around 8pm. when i came home, i immediately searched for the husband, half expecting him to be sticking his head in the fridge, ravenously searching for food (i have an imagination, i know). instead, he was calmly playing video games and shouting at mike hart to run/catch the football (i forget what position he plays), pretty standard for a boy. i told him i was headed into the kitchen for two reasons: wine, and to make dinner. he told me it was already in the oven. now for some reason i immediately jumped to the perfectly normal conclusion that he had figured out what recipe i was going to make from the list on the fridge, went into the cookbooks and whipped up a little chicken tetrazzini casserole. when i went to check on it, however, i realized that actually it was a frozen lasagna my mom had brought over that was bubbling up in our oven.
when i questioned him, i learned that it was probably a little ridiculous for me to assume he knew where the cookbooks are kept, but at least i know he can fend for himself in the kitchen, right?
so we had lasagna, as it started to get dark and although i offered, no salad was needed, nor vegetables. i'm starting to think that it's really not that hard to keep a man happy (or at least my man). we also bought some more furniture this weekend, including a buffet i love from world market, and a coffee table. i also managed to accidentally spend $200 on a picture frame, which made me sad because that's almost halfway to a pair of louboutins and i should just hold out for those. the problem began when i went to the custom framing counter with this giant art print, and made the lady pull every single frame corner piece off the velcro pad on the wall. when i finally found one i liked, she quoted me $192... but she was so nice, and since i had made her search for the exact right piece, i felt terrible just walking away. i asked to see some cheaper options, and she pulled out some ugly metal frames that look like they belong in a dorm room. so, i passed over the american express and handed over the print. oops. i don't mind spending large amounts of money if its something just absolutely fabulous, but i'm not even sure i like this print that much anyway (sort of like our office paint color), yet i'm willing to live with it for at least a year before forcing it out of my life. oh well, live and learn, i suppose. all i can think about is the fact that louboutins are actually something i could purchase one month, if i decide not to purchase anything else... and clearly that possibility is out the window for this month.
one of my fears in life is working too hard to enjoy it, or working too hard that i eventually pass up great opportunities. now, i do realize that when you enjoy work, and you receive opportunities at work, you should feel grateful for those opportunities. however, i still need to learn to save my money appropriately so that i can create opportunities for myself: own a second home (on the lake somewhere. or in wilmington), start my own business, raise a family at home, and further my education... not to mention become ridiculously wealthy and rub elbows with the rich and fabulous in the hamptons. (kidding. sort of.)
i guess those are normal goals for the average middle-class adult, but i want them all by the time i'm 30. i'm going to be 24 this year, which makes me want to puke. i'm already the type to 'forget' my age. i really think that certain things (like that letter i just keep forgetting to mail, or the dry cleaning that sits in a pile for weeks before making it to the cleaners), i just block them from my mind. my birthday, unfortunately is one of them. whenever someone asks me how old i am, i stop and think about it. i realize i don't have a great respect for numbers anyway, which could be a big part of the problem, but i also just don't want to ever think about aging. i don't want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, ever. typing those words makes me crazy. it's not just the getting old process, it's the fear that i'm not moving up to pace, that i'm not accomplishing things, that i'm spinning my wheels. i honestly believe that i would not have a problem just living. continuously. forever, if you will. every year is so bittersweet- where does the time go? what will this year bring? i know i'm not alone in this fear, either. it's probably pretty standard among... oh, everyone.
anyway, i guess with botox, and by keeping myself open to new possibilities, i can move forward without wishing away the present.
i want desperately to avoid, in any way possible, being typical. yet i am in so many ways... my little cookie-cutter world that was built since high school. and i like my world, don't get me wrong. but i want to be fabulous. the book i will write someday will help propel me there, i think. and it's not wrong to have high expectations for your future- i believe it's ok to be thankful for all that i do have and to still wake each day craving for more. it's what keeps us going, motivated, moving towards another (dreaded) year.
that's all for tonight...
No comments:
Post a Comment