love affair with the tropics

ok, maybe not a love affair with the tropics, but definitely a love affair with the water. i grew up in a town with a beach... and to be honest, my favorite time to visit the beach is the fall. let me explain: in the summer, the beach is filled with a vast array of the trashiest, whore-iest, nastiest people cleveland has to offer. and i'm not exaggerating. the beach is littered (literally and figuratively) with trash. you can find extended families with about 20 children running naked around, screaming, and their barefoot, pregnant moms chasing after them. or, sometimes, sitting and smoking with them. you can find a representation of the biggest gangstas/wangstas cleveland has to offer, often with their whole ass/boxers hanging out and a nice little shaved chinstrap along their face. then there's always the fun game of tattoo scavenger hunt. i bet you i could find a popeye tattoo with a naked chick hanging on the other arm and a tweety bird on the calf. see? i win!

when i was little, mom used to forbid me to go there by myself, of course the second i was allowed to ride bikes to get ice cream i would promptly disobey her, and often be exposed to the most tricked out pontiacs around. bass blaring, green neons running along the side, and pornos playing in the trunk. then they would all rev their engines and take off to drag race, or just drive really loudly to their parties.

so, the beach in the summertime is not always the most fun time. however, in the fall, when its cold enough to scare away most of the trash and leave behind only a few stoned teenagers, i love going and sitting by the water. for as long as i can remember, i have gone to the beach when i need to think, when i need to be reminded of how large the world is, and how signficant and completely insignificant i am. i guess i feel a sort of strange connection to the water- it reminds me of a different world-- i once heard that we know more about outer space than we do the ocean-- but it also reminds me of the most special memories... vacations, laughter, even the feeling of conquering your fears. i have so many memories with the water- from my short stint on the diving team in high school, including the bruises it gave me as i learned new tricks, and the feeling of freedom as i plunged from a 7 meter platform, and also the time i sunk beneath the surface after hitting my head on the board... it reminds me of learning to waterski, flying across the surface, and the moments of solitude as i sat on the beach, writing in my journal when i was 15 years old.

i went to visit the mountains out west with my family and i felt unsettled. i guess i felt unsettled for a number of reasons (the mormons in salt lake city did not help), but i knew i could never feel peaceful next to them. i saw how majestic and beautiful it was to see mountains covered in snow as you drove along the highway, but it reminded me of how much i love the ocean, the lake, the water. i really think i have a love affair with the tropics. i breathe easier when i'm standing on the edge of something immense and complex... and i feel much more connected to the ground. today i wasn't feeling well at all, and needed to escape my house and its stuffy air, so i walked the short walk to the beach. now, i would love to live on the water, but sometimes it's so magnificent to me, i wonder if my house were on the edge of that if i would be able to handle it. it would be a cathartic experience almost every time i saw the water... anyway... random musings before bed... i need to get some rest so i can feel 100% for the weekend- i love weekends.

you've got a fast car- is it fast enough so we can fly away?

i can hear a train siren in the distance and it's annoying me. actually, not much isn't annoying me at this point... even lola was herded back to her cage after her display of thumping and biting when i tried to spend time with her tonight. it's a night in which i feel restless, which isn't helping at all. i guess because the majority of the night was spent on the couch, watching remakes of 90's soaps and feeling somewhat alone. i have this energy sort of balled up inside of me, and i'm annoyed because the world isn't open to it. i need to watch the clock... another work day exists in about 10 hours...

i'm also feeling annoyed about my money situation. husband and i combined accounts, which was fine. yes, just fine. i never thought i would really care about money- and i do care about how he spends it, but i hate having to think twice before i spend anything. i want enough to afford a car, great decor for our home, & napkins and napkin rings for thanksgiving dinner. but mostly i want that car. we've started the beginnings of a search for a new car... not sure quite what we're going to end with- most likely not a new one, but probably a pretty good used small suv.... there is the outside chance that we could go with a new one, however- especially since i work in a business where we support many different car dealers and have great relationships with them. so, we'll see.

i'm the type of bratty child that used to decide i wanted something and then get it. that didn't mean i didn't work for it. but me wanting something went sort of like... i decided on something i had to have, and proceeded to fixate on it for about 2-5 days. once i decided i had to have it, i started talking about it, asking about it for 1-2 days. finally, i would start negotiations with my parents. if they wouldn't pay for it, or split it with me (that was always the great go-to plan), they would tell me i had to work for it. and i would work my ass off doing chores, negotiating pay rates for vaccuming the car, walking the dog, shining dad's shoes. whatever they would pay me- i would take until i could get what i wanted. and then i would get it that day.

i think my tactics still shape a lot of how i behave and view purchases. i do make some pretty dumb day-to-day ones ($8 lunch... bottles of wine... etc), but when i decide i want something, i somehow subliminally come up with a plan for how i will get it. (case in point: front row n'sync tickets. i told my mom the night i heard the radio contest that i would win it the next day. and i did). so, this car thing is starting to click in my brain... i'm starting to fixate on it. driving to and from work is now more research (much like during the whole landscaping fiasco. i think i could tell you how many weeping cherry trees there are on lake rd for a 3 mile stretch while i was contemplating filling our barren lawn), and i'm starting to look at more cars than bmw and lexus... deciding that maybe, just maybe, i might be able to drive a chevy, or a jeep, or a nissan. hmmm...

so- my annoyed mood is not being helped by the fact that my brain is starting to fixate on a large purchase, requiring a down payment and monthly payments (both of which i hate). sometimes i get into this weird mood where i just think things should be mine. i don't think i have a conscious thought process for it, but i've caught myself almost stealing weird things because i think that it's mine. (for example: at a particularly expensive lunch joint, i tend to reach for a diet coke. after i've paid). i feel that way about things i hate to purchase- gas, toilet paper, tampons, vacuum bags... or, big-ticket items, like a car, or a sexy black leather coat. why- really, why- does anything need to cost that much in this world? i would help the economy a lot more if cars were more like a pair of louboutins... a big enough purchase to not do it every month (or even every 6 months) but not big enough to go into debt over.

ughhh no more money talk. i'm an old married lady aren't i? sick... what a completely negative and annoying post. i think i will say some thank you's to clear the air, settle my score with the universe. send some positivity my way, i could use the less-restless sort of energy....

sometimes i sit down to write with no thought on what this post will be: i just know i need to write. it's a sort of hunger, or a combination of hunger and the feeling of needing to journal but not willing to wait for the inspiration to hit. i received a wonderful e-mail from a close friend of mine, someone whose opinions and thoughts inspire me to think deeper, more creatively- whether she's improvising song lyrics on the spot or writing about a philosophical aspect of our lives, her words and thoughts definitely ignite a creative spark in myself- and i love people like that (i will write back to your e-mail, i promise!!). isn't it great to meet someone who reminds you of a part of your personality that you forgot about? i think we all play a kind of role when we're around most (actually, all) people. and day-to-day i play my role, but when i'm reminded of another aspect of myself i really value the people who are able to bring it out.

that seems vague. but you know that friend-of-a-friend that you click with? you end up telling them far more than you should, sharing a part of yourself that you don't share with your friend... or that person in your networking group that brings out a different sense of humor in yourself. i love that feeling- it's like being refreshed, a big clean shower and a 'i forgot what this feeling was like. it's cool. not everyday cool, but pretty cool, nonetheless.'

this weekend was a bit of a rough one-- lots of little arguments, some big arguments from both husband and i and our friends. luckily, all husband and i argued over was having a cookout at our house on sunday (we tend to get angry about little things. but then cool off because i think we both realize that when you live together/are married, there's really nothing you can do to escape the other person. in other words, they will still be there later that afternoon, the next day, and the next day. so, really, why are you fighting over potato salad? it's made us much more mature, i promise). anyway, this weekend was rough because i was reminded of college relationships all over again. it wasn't unusual for all of us (friends, acquaintances, us) to be fighting, angry with each other, to feed off each other's pissed-off-ness and just escalate everything. we went to a wedding where tensions somehow got very high, and it ended with us just being exhausted and driving home at midnight. now, i miss college, and i'm the first one to recognize that it was an amazing time of irresponsibility and f-ed up priorities (for example: i would get very stressed about classes, and then end up skipping them in favor of naps. -- a word on naps-- seriously? what was wrong with me that i felt it was ok as an adult to be upset if i didn't get a nap in at least once every two days??). however, for as amazing as college was, i was reminded tonight that sometimes its not fun to stand outside, sort-of drunk and discuss someone else's relationship. or to be irrationally mad at your boyfriend (or husband) because he hadn't brought you a glass of water and a salad. amazing, really. college was lots of fun, but i like being a little more mature about how i relate to my friends and boyfriend/husband.

this blog entry isn't very full of outstanding wisdom or witty thoughts... my apologies. to be honest, i'm a little distracted because i've had a glass of wine, and husband is flipping between football (gotta see how braylon is doing) and rob & big- occasionally offering commentary on rob's antics and encouraging shouts towards braylon. so... that's it for tonight. maybe i'll have some deep, philosophical thoughts for all later this week. :)

"it doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. i want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy"

(my favorite- albeit unusual- passage from the reading at my wedding).

this road is anything but simple.

i went to a concert last night, of a girl i knew in high school. it was a great time, and reminded me how much i miss going to shows. somewhere between 16 and 17, i spent my friday nights at shows, and got lost in the moment as someone else shared a piece of their soul with 200 other people. some things are the same: a new outfit, getting dressed up in a quasi-rocker look, black eyeliner, skinny boys on stage singing their teenage hearts out, the feeling you get when you connect with a room full of people. some things have changed: instead of a group of girlfriends, i was with one person, my husband. i no longer feel a rush when i drink a beer at a concert, nor do i feel anxious as the night comes to a close (because really, after curfews ended, the fun of 1am doesn't quite get you as high as it used to). it was a great night because it was different, and because it felt-a little- like i was 16 again. young, the world in front of me.

it was also a little sad, because it made me want to pursue a dream like that...

i recently read 'outliers' by malcolm gladwell (see: blink, the tipping point- all are great), about how some people live as outliers- outside the crowd, the clutter. everyone from bill gates to mozart to the beatles. it was fascinating to read a discussion on how people receive advantages and opportunities (ex: you have an incredibly better chance of becoming a professional hockey/baseball/soccer player if you were born in certain months, depending on the age cut-offs in the pee-wee leagues), as well as the amount of practice time/passion one must dedicate to their craft. i guess it doesn't hurt to be pretty, either. (had to throw that in there). so what are you passionate about? and what opportunities have come your way?

birthdays & an anniversary... sort of.

i wanted to write a post about this, but i'm not sure how to write it without it seeming super-sappy and lame (and annoying). but, what the hell. it's still my birthday week, and therefore i really can do whatever i want to do, right?

so, here it goes: i've just had the best week with my new husband! haha... i know, right? but really, i have had a great time lately. this weekend was pretty fun, but the best part was sunday (our 3 month, coincidentally), when we spent our time running errands and finding some fall-ish things for the house (my idea, not his). and sunday night we watched our wedding video with little lola (again, my idea, not his). but while watching our wedding video, a few things really struck me: how amazing it was to have almost all of the most meaningful people in our lives there for us- whether they were standing next to us, or participating in the ceremony, or simply offering their support, prayers, and well-wishes, it was just an amazing day for both of us. and although it went so quickly, it was wonderful to watch the video and feel as though our marriage was... reconfirmed, somehow.

anyway, moving beyond the wedding moments- we also celebrated my birthday yesterday, which was so much fun. plus, he managed to suprise me with a new bag- which i love. we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and just ordered apps and a bottle of wine- perfect! it was honestly a great time- a nice, romantic evening, but as i recall saying my first post- sometimes he is a passionate lover, sometimes he is a best friend, and most of the time he is both to me. lately it's been a nice mix of the two. romantic evenings, and also just laughing, playing, and being best friends- and what more can you ask for? all in all, it was a fab birthday, and although i am ignoring the age part of the whole process- i do love any excuse for presents, wine, and cake.


see above image- the little dog my sister is watching was with me on my birthday- she can smile (really- you say 'Mollie Smile!' and she does!)

life is slowly righting itself. lately i'm trying to remember to look past the day- the night-the week- even the year. i re-read my previous posts and realized that so often i'm terrified of something that will most likely break down given a week, or even just a few months. i need to look beyond those scary moments of indecision, overwhelming emotions, whatever, and think in more of a complete big-picture sense. my friend who is in the peace corps- she is going to be gone for two years, true, but in many ways, that is only two years. two meaningful years for most of us at this age, but just two, nonetheless. a colleague once told me about a certain profession (i feel weird writing it in here) that lives week-to-week, which is why all of those who own businesses in that profession are pretty manic-depressive. and, if you think about it- it's probably true. it's time to look past the week and see some more complete pictures of my life-- isn't that what marriage is about? enjoying the happy, beautiful, fun moments, but also seeing past the bullshit to a more complete picture.

anyway, i'm still in the process of decorating our house. other than work and enjoying my marriage, i have been spending my time slowly realizing that no (read: absolutely NO) stores will carry the perfect curtains for my family room. part of the problem is that i have no idea how to pick curtains, but i know i haven't found any. our house is sort of modern-cottage-beach-chic. i would like to think, at least. the goal this weekend is to gather the rest of our furniture for our family room (finishing things- like floor lamps- my life is thrilling, i know) and clear out the guest room. it's holiday season which means all i want to do is throw parties- fall parties, halloween parties, thanksgiving dinner, christmas parties, new year parties. lots, and lots of entertaining and cooking-- get ready!!

alright, computer may die, and husband is already on his way to bed, and i should really get some sleep so i can be on time to work once this week...

"to know someone with whom you can feel an understanding in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed... well, that can make this life a garden."

my life is like a mobile, spinning around.

i'm sitting here with lola, as she tries to bite my hand off every time i type... possibly this won't work out for a successful blog post... she may be sent to her cage soon. anyway, i haven't written much because i've been busy. lame excuse, i know. but by busy i mean that i got home from work late every night last week, and was feeling so overwhelmed/exhausted/semi-unmotivated that i just couldn't do much but flop on the couch for an hour before it was time for bed. we had events all weekend- which was terrifying because now i'm supposed to be in charge of them, but not really in charge yet, and all this limbo stuff made me sort of crazy. when i got home on sunday and realized we had another event after work on monday, i wanted to cry. however, things are looking up in the work-world, as in... i'm finally getting somewhat caught up that i feel like soon i can stop looking backwards and start looking forward-- making plans to make us more efficient, more creative, and focusing on growth instead of "how the hell did this get done in the past, and how the hell am i supposed to get it done now??" this promotion at work has definitely been taking over my life... and i feel like i'm just getting the nuts and bolts of it now... like i'm really a glorified intern, one who is just as an intern (not any of ours, but "intern" in general), but motivated to figure things out a little more. i actually am embarassed by my new title... i don't think i deserve it (yet). funny, huh? i should just get a grip and accept that those i respect have decided i can handle it and trust them.

anyway, that has truly been my life recently. but, i'm realizing again how important balance is in my life... i had this wonderful family friend/mentor describe my life as a mobile... meaning that all of the different things needed to balance each other out to keep it centered and moving. i only notice the mobile metaphor when things get out of hand, though. i noticed it at certain times in my life... she first brought it up to me when i received a letter from my birth mother. it was the oddest few days of emotions for me- for something that i've always accepted (being adopted), i hadn't ever considered the range of emotions tied into being someone else's child, being given away, and being brought into a new home. i had a million feelings of hate, love, confusion. for a long time i felt as though my life had been decided for me. once i spoke to this family friend/mentor, she explained the mobile concept to me and it clicked somehow. she also said that it was ok to be angry, and it was ok to not figure it all out right then. she suggested sitting with an unsettled feeling. just letting it be until the mobile could sort of right itself. it's such a huge concept that seems so little when you write it out- but the idea of sitting with an uneasy feeling is incredibly difficult (at least for me). knowing that you don't know how to feel, knowing that it's ok to not know how you're feeling.

my senior year of college i felt very unsettled about a lot of things. the life-mobile got out of whack as i realized that i had made every major decision that would define my life when i was 17 years old. i tried to rebel, to fix the unsettling feeling, and then realized that i wouldn't know the answers right away (if ever). i needed to make decisions that were the best for me and my health, and slowly the mobile worked itself out.

so, now that i had a few minutes to write, i'm still writing/thinking about work. amazing. today is the husband's birthday, and i had this fancy dinner all planned out for him: steaks with gourmet mushrooms, scallops, fingerling potatoes and asparagus and cheesecake factory for dessert. of course he's sick this week. which means that he's sort of sniffling and coughing and being gross with kleenex, but not that sick. meaning- he's still up for some things (wink). but sick enough to tell me after i went to the store late last night and thawed all the food for him (steak, scallops), that he didn't think anything would be very appetizing to him today and asked if we could go to alladin's for dinner instead. seriously? i was ready to scream. he doesn't even like birthdays that much, i don't think. he wants the dinner on friday now but that's not really his birthday. friday is always a good day for cooking because i don't feel bad about getting to bed early and i don't feel bad about the amount of wine i consume while cooking (kidding. kind of). but now he's sick again and asking when i'm going to be done writing. isn't it amazing how boys deal with a little bit of sickness? now, i was sick awhile ago, and acted as though the world was ending, but i was like, really sick. when i was on the phone with someone they asked what was wrong because i had a combination of phoebe's sexy voice (circa 'smelly cat') and an odd nasally voice sort of like ben stein. he is just sort of sniffling. anyway... it still is his birthday and i need to go to bed early tonight anyway (sleep has been ruling my life. it's not an option to get less than 7 hours, i just wouldn't make it anymore). so- here we are, boring married couple... anyone want to hang out this weekend? :)

hmm... ruined another baked good, and it's not even 8am yet. I am the world's most terrible baker. i keep thinking that i really just need more practice, so i know what i'm looking for, but i can't even make one (just one!!) great baked good. i just burned these cinnamon struesel muffins that come out of a box. it's always for some stupid reason, too. i didn't think they looked very golden brown after 16 minutes, so i popped them back in for another 5. oops. this morning consisted of husband getting up, waking me up as usual, and then me following him to the kitchen. i decided to make muffins because he ate not only all of his cereal this week, but all of mine as well. it was actually fun at first, i asked for an egg and he proceeded to try out my "soft hands" on the underhanded egg toss (it is labor day weekend, after all), and then i proceeded to crack the egg open all over the countertop. at which he yelled, asking me why i continue to bake, and i yelled because its really gross to try to pick up a broken egg yolk from the counter. anyway, after all that (and the dishes aren't even clean yet), i burned the muffins. go figure.

ohhh... breaking news in the middle of this post. so, lola (the bunny) was playing in this blanket we have in the office, just digging and being silly. she then all of a sudden took off (not too unusual), but then i realized she was being chased by a giant spider. GIANT. it serisouly had teeth, i think. i screamed, she ran into a corner and thumped, and then let out a little scream as well. ughhh thankfully, home renovator that my husband is, tools are left throughout our house. i just managed to kill it using a hammer, and miraculously didn't break the bookshelf. sick. my little town is beautiful, but living near the metroparks and on a wooded lot makes for tons of spiders... i'll have to tell husband where the carcass is so he can dispose of it after work, huh? poor little lola, i think she may be scarred for awhile. she's stretched out in her "i'm exhausted" position, breathing heavy and baring her teeth.

alright- off to enjoy this beautiful day... beginning with a nap, then laundry and a little bit of cleaning so i can not feel guilty about reading out on our deck while college gameday on espn blasts in the other room.

enjoy the weekend!!

light a fire and let it burn...

today i am wrestling with so many doubts and questions, and such a huge headache. i've asked this question before... but how do you pick up your confidence and light the match and set it all in motion? lately i feel like i'm dragging this weight behind me, and it's getting so frustrating. i don't feel motivated, and for me, it's usually for one of two potential reasons. 1) i don't feel challenged, or feel respect for those challenging me, 2) i'm just overwhelmed and don't feel like i have the confidence or resources, or time management skills to get. shit. done. i keeep going back to the example of the one letter i always forget to mail, or the dry cleaning, or the library books that i should just return already... but once it gets out there, i push it to the side, ignore it, and although occasionally it bubbles up and stresses me out, for the most part i can pretend it doesn't exist. i have SO much to do, that i can't seem to even put one foot in front of the other and move forward. i just stand there and pretend to not see the path. or make excuses for the path not being visible.

it's not just work things (although all of those changes are leaving me sort of spinning), but its the house again. don't you think i would be much better off if i just hired a housekeeper? i need someone to do my laundry, food prep (not cooking. i love my time spent cooking), cleaning, and dishes. landscaping would, as always, be nice.

the thing is, i imagine some people look at challenges, say something really lame like- "onward and upward!" and just get crackin. me, i seem to be looking at these new challenges with giant doe-eyes, a headache and an intense desire for some wine and a nap. i keep telling myself that was how i was when i first started my job- i felt really out of place and in over my head, and very, very confused. i felt the same way when i went to college (except then it was more of a: f***, how am i going to stay in this itty bitty town for four years of my life? hah. that fear never changed). don't you wish you had the ability to just freeze life- a la sabrina the teenage witch- walk around, take a nap, HOLD EVERYTHING until your brain felt better? i envy that almost as much as i envy the whole finger pointing zing-new-outfit-trick she pulled (could have used that this morning; my entire closet is currently either on the floor or the bed because i. have. nothing. to. wear.)

today, i started praying on the drive home. weird, right? oftentimes i will think about God, and it's not like i haven't prayed before... i used to every night, and often throughout the day. God's a weird concept for me, though. it's too big for my brain to handle, and i'm such a skeptical, analytical person that i often question 'who' the omniscient being is that i'm speaking to, and what exactly i expect to receive. i feel like such a hippie when i say/think this, but i am much more comfortable with my God being a sort of faithful energy, something different and meaningful for each person. i love, love, love the idea of God- i mean, who doesn't? the ultimate in authority, caring and fearful, loving and fair, a perfect being. to me, God has always seemed to be more of a constant being, something that gives me peace, but also serves as my conscious. extremely personal, in other words, and i can't imagine my God being the same for anyone else. i guess i don't even feel comfortable with the word God, to be perfectly honest. it's more of an extension of a spiritual thing for me. although i spent years at church camp as a kid (yes, really!), and i've gone through so many phases with my religious beliefs, i have just so many questions that are unanswerable... one thing i do know, is that i will always respect anyone's interpretation of their God (provided, of course, that their God does not approve of mass suicide bombings or other horrific deeds people do in the name of their God), because i would want respect and reverie of my version.

it's been a long day... got home late to the hubby watching bad vh1 reality tv. tool academy? daisy of love? that's pretty much on whenever sportscenter or the discovery channel is not on. i haven't figured out the draw of the discovery channel, except that we both love animals (but i really don't like that channel and all their swordfish-killing shows), and the fact that it broadcasts in 1080p- some type of high definition that he appreciates. so, i think i will close this post, weary and drop into bed...

i'll leave with a word from walt whitman :)

this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals despite riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss what ever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...
-walt Whitman


p.s.
i was thinking how much it sucks that you can't take a computer just anywhere with you and write. i can't just sit down on a bench and start typing in the middle of cleveland, and i can't just sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine and just type (maybe on a phone, like rev run, though. -- met him recently. big fan!). notebooks are so vintage, and sort of annoying, but maybe i'll have to start bringing it back into fashion. i'll write my entire novel from a phone or a steno pad- what do you think?

autumn thinking...

its starting to feel like fall again- and as much as i love fall, its so bittersweet because summer is ending so quickly... and it always throws me off when school starts. i guess because i spent so much of the significant years of my life in school, i get this odd feeling like i'm not done yet- i'm not ready to be an adult. i should still be in high school, college, sometimes middle school (6th grade really was a fun time). i know its not all its cracked up to be- those were difficult years and i probably spent more time crying than laughing, but something about fall brings me back... it sort of pains me when i see the kids in my neighborhood walking to the high school. it could also be my irrational fear of aging that catches up to me when i realize that i don't belong there anymore.

but i do love the crispness of fall, and the cider, apples, sweaters, new boots, tights, dresses, orange and yellow leaves, birthday presents. honestly just too many things to count. husband and i spent the past few days enjoying our small little town and our little home together. last night i made this mediteranean humuus from a pasta sauce i had bought at the farmer's market (sounds weird once its written out, but it was fab, i promise), and sat outside around our little firepit table eating it with a fresh loaf of italian bread (also from the market), and drinking this great orange wheat beer. tonight we had a great dinner (courtesy of me- top chef that i am), and then went for a nice little bike ride to visit my mom and sister and show them my new hair color.

sometimes i worry about revealing too much about myself on this thing- or through twitter, or facebook. i'm the type to just trust people and then start talking... but how much information is too much? clearly we're a nation/culture that loves personal information... i have to confess, if john mayer were to send out a play-by-play tweet of his day, i would probably scroll through and read every one of them (when i had time, of course). and this blog seems to be a hit among my friends- and if they were to write one, i would of course read it all the time. people say they don't want to 'twitter' because no one would care about their life- but people do care. how many pictures do we look at on facebook, usually of a friend-of-a-friend? acquaintance at best, i suppose. it's such an odd world we live in- one that is getting more personal, but usually on our own terms. maybe that's a better way to live? and hey, i maybe blog about my newly married life, but i don't have 2 camera crews following me around while i learn to change the paper towel holders and question the branding of 'chicken of the sea.' (i own that dvd series. and i still love it. in my mind they are perfectly happy together).

anyway, off to bed- it's only monday but i have a feeling this week will be a long one!

botox, shoes, and lasagna. pretty random, sorry.

so today we had a meeting that went late, and i didn't get home until around 8pm. when i came home, i immediately searched for the husband, half expecting him to be sticking his head in the fridge, ravenously searching for food (i have an imagination, i know). instead, he was calmly playing video games and shouting at mike hart to run/catch the football (i forget what position he plays), pretty standard for a boy. i told him i was headed into the kitchen for two reasons: wine, and to make dinner. he told me it was already in the oven. now for some reason i immediately jumped to the perfectly normal conclusion that he had figured out what recipe i was going to make from the list on the fridge, went into the cookbooks and whipped up a little chicken tetrazzini casserole. when i went to check on it, however, i realized that actually it was a frozen lasagna my mom had brought over that was bubbling up in our oven.

when i questioned him, i learned that it was probably a little ridiculous for me to assume he knew where the cookbooks are kept, but at least i know he can fend for himself in the kitchen, right?

so we had lasagna, as it started to get dark and although i offered, no salad was needed, nor vegetables. i'm starting to think that it's really not that hard to keep a man happy (or at least my man). we also bought some more furniture this weekend, including a buffet i love from world market, and a coffee table. i also managed to accidentally spend $200 on a picture frame, which made me sad because that's almost halfway to a pair of louboutins and i should just hold out for those. the problem began when i went to the custom framing counter with this giant art print, and made the lady pull every single frame corner piece off the velcro pad on the wall. when i finally found one i liked, she quoted me $192... but she was so nice, and since i had made her search for the exact right piece, i felt terrible just walking away. i asked to see some cheaper options, and she pulled out some ugly metal frames that look like they belong in a dorm room. so, i passed over the american express and handed over the print. oops. i don't mind spending large amounts of money if its something just absolutely fabulous, but i'm not even sure i like this print that much anyway (sort of like our office paint color), yet i'm willing to live with it for at least a year before forcing it out of my life. oh well, live and learn, i suppose. all i can think about is the fact that louboutins are actually something i could purchase one month, if i decide not to purchase anything else... and clearly that possibility is out the window for this month.


one of my fears in life is working too hard to enjoy it, or working too hard that i eventually pass up great opportunities. now, i do realize that when you enjoy work, and you receive opportunities at work, you should feel grateful for those opportunities. however, i still need to learn to save my money appropriately so that i can create opportunities for myself: own a second home (on the lake somewhere. or in wilmington), start my own business, raise a family at home, and further my education... not to mention become ridiculously wealthy and rub elbows with the rich and fabulous in the hamptons. (kidding. sort of.)

i guess those are normal goals for the average middle-class adult, but i want them all by the time i'm 30. i'm going to be 24 this year, which makes me want to puke. i'm already the type to 'forget' my age. i really think that certain things (like that letter i just keep forgetting to mail, or the dry cleaning that sits in a pile for weeks before making it to the cleaners), i just block them from my mind. my birthday, unfortunately is one of them. whenever someone asks me how old i am, i stop and think about it. i realize i don't have a great respect for numbers anyway, which could be a big part of the problem, but i also just don't want to ever think about aging. i don't want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, ever. typing those words makes me crazy. it's not just the getting old process, it's the fear that i'm not moving up to pace, that i'm not accomplishing things, that i'm spinning my wheels. i honestly believe that i would not have a problem just living. continuously. forever, if you will. every year is so bittersweet- where does the time go? what will this year bring? i know i'm not alone in this fear, either. it's probably pretty standard among... oh, everyone.

anyway, i guess with botox, and by keeping myself open to new possibilities, i can move forward without wishing away the present.

i want desperately to avoid, in any way possible, being typical. yet i am in so many ways... my little cookie-cutter world that was built since high school. and i like my world, don't get me wrong. but i want to be fabulous. the book i will write someday will help propel me there, i think. and it's not wrong to have high expectations for your future- i believe it's ok to be thankful for all that i do have and to still wake each day craving for more. it's what keeps us going, motivated, moving towards another (dreaded) year.

that's all for tonight...