you & me

i have recently met a new group of people that i wanted to discuss because they intrigue me, and because i'm so surprised people like this exist so prevalently and want to connect with me.

confession: i am a bit of a celebrity whore. i love famous people. not all famous people, but with a good majority of famous people i meet i have this condition in which i want to be near them, hang out creepily by their side and listen to every word they say. it's somewhat embarassing, but i'm not too worked up about it. it's not like i meet celebrities daily. except for maybe athletes, since i work in sports, but i don't really count athletes as celebrities. unless you're david beckham (and if i met him, i don't think i would ever leave his side). so, i get the whole self-absorbed celebrity stuff. i actually think it's fine for them to just talk about themselves for four hours. i would hang on every word and be ok with it.

it's the non-celebrities, or "local" celebrities who think its necessary to be that self-absorbed that i just don't really understand. i've never met so many people in my life that can have conversations just about themselves. since when is it ok to not have any interaction in a conversation? i've really seen it at least five times in the past few months, and at first i thought there was a problem with me... since getting married, did i lose the ability to talk to other people aside from my husband? am i that boring that i just have nothing to say? do i miss the lulls in conversation that allow me to jump in with a laundry list of what's going on in my life? i started watching my conversations with (ahem) normal people and can now safely say that it is not me, it is without a doubt, completely and totally their fault.

the thing is, most of these people are actually really nice. it's just that they are self-absorbed. there are no questions from them about my day, my life, my job, my home. when i say no questions, i mean it. and then i start thinking that there must be something wrong with me because i've never been the approachable one. no one ever knows what to make of me- i'm shy and quiet at first, but i'm pretty opinionated. a teacher in high school once gave out awards at the end of the year. i got the serial killer award (yeah, she sucks as a teacher, clearly. it's amazing they allow people like that to teach and i couldn't land a job. whatever, anyway...). i have never wanted a million acquaintances, and ended high school and college with quite a few people i knew but didn't ever feel like initiating a 'hello' to in the bar. i'm just not that girl. i have my great friends, and i have people that i will occasionally make small talk with in the grocery store (or even the bar), but not many. it's outrageous how many people are just talking at me now. since when was i ever the girl that people just spilled their thoughts to? i'm convinced i've either gone soft or i'm somehow just meeting the most self-absorbed, obsessive people in the greater cleveland area.

and like i said, if i'm impressed by you, it's perfectly fine to talk about yourself. i definitely discriminate. i am not impressed by most small-time celebrities, athletes, etc. when i'm drunk this can change a little (we had a small incident in which i stayed next to jeff timmons of 98 degrees all night. oops). anyway, i find even with my closest friends from grade school, i'm becoming the one who just listens. and i get that- their lives are not as settled as mine, and i'm always up for listening if it will help someone i care about (and yes, i guess i care about most people). but this new epidemic of people is just a little too much for me to handle. maybe that's why i write this blog- it's my one chance to talk about myself. my thoughts, my feelings.

completely off-topic, although i think i've said all i can say without incriminating the semi-famous people i've been referring to, my bunny lola has just discovered she can handle hardwood floors. she's three years old but has always hated hard surfaces and will suicide jump to my shoulder if she is ever forced to be on a counter, vet table, or even the bathroom floor. however, letting her in the family room has allowed her to venture off into the world of hardwood floors. she is now exploring underneath all of our furniture and coming out covered in dust bunnies. yikes- time to start swiffering the dining room, i think.

alright- that's it for today.... have a wonderful weekend!

a time for everything under the sun.

i almost just wrote a blog post on the amount of television i've been consuming. you're welcome for saving you. instead, i will (in true oxymoronic fashion), discuss the fact that i feel so busy lately that i can't get a grip. i read someone's facebook status saying something about how she feels she's "always chasing her tail," and thought- yeah, i agree! ... insert comment about the epiphanies that now come from facebook.

the ultimate question- do i have the time, or do i just not make room in my schedule? i know i spend a significant portion of my time at work, or at events for work. however, when i am not at work... can i be more productive, and feel less like i have no time to do anything or see anyone? the truth is, i'm feeling drained. i barely have time to see my mom- we seriously schedule our time, and if that doesn't work then we schedule a timeframe. i feel guilty then making time to see others if i feel like i can't even connect to my mom- my best friends- etc.

and, to make this a full-circle complaint, i don't think i've ever consumed this much television in my life as i have recently. husband and i have 3 main tv shows we watch regularly. that's 2 more than i've ever watched regularly. EVER. when it's not one of those shows, it's criminal minds. that shit is addicting.

so, enough about the tv. the point is- i'm feeling drained, devoid of energy, unable to find time to work out, unable to get my ass off the couch and see those whom i need to reconnect with. i blame three things...

1. the weather. it's dark and cold. i can't go for walks by myself or with others because a) i'll get taken by some psycho like on criminal minds, and b) it's cold, dark, and icy.

2. i do work a lot, i think. when i was teaching, i was working a lot, too- but i would be done with my day at 4pm. now i'm not getting home until close to 7, sometimes much later, and all i want to do is collapse and not deal with things for a little while. (as an aside- i'm disappointed i'm not more concerned with my transition from working when i got home from work to the not opening my outlook unless necessary policy i've adopted since getting married and getting the house. i would think i would feel a little more guilty not working in the evenings, but i actually feel somewhat relieved). essentially, i'm gone/not at home/busy for at least 12 hours. that's half of my time right there...

3. marriage. i will say that marriage has many wonderful perks, but my time has been eaten up. it's pretty draining to be around someone all the time, i think. i don't always mean draining in a bad way, either... just take the word draining at face value. it's energy draining, sometimes great and wonderful energy and sometimes just energy.

and you know what- i look at my mentors at work and their time schedules- the e-mails, situations, brain power they put towards their projects... and i feel guilty. they, and really all of my colleagues, spend an incredible amount of time at work and with clients, and when they're not at work... they are working. i work with some of the most dedicated individuals i've ever been around. if we had that type of work ethic at the country club, it would be a much different place. it's inspiring, and then i start to think... i am really not that busy... i find time to watch 4 tv shows, right? i should be able to get up and go run a mile before work... i should be able to make phone calls when i'm at home instead of only in the car... i should be able to cook dinner, clean, and keep up with the laundry without the house looking like a fucking tornado by the end of the week. ... i can't.

i need this life coach to examine my time, change my habits, force new behaviors into my world. i also need a life coach to tell me to stop swearing in my blog post, write a novel already (dammit), and go to bed, emily. this post probably reads pretty poorly. i'm tired, so tired my head isn't staying up and every other word is being misspelled. ok, life coach- bed it is.

more later, more frequently, i promise.

if you see me slouching.

the holidays have come and gone... and instead of a sense of longing, i suddenly feel rested, encouraged, enlivened. i know it looks dead outside, but instead i think the new year has created some much-needed motivation and put some more life in my world. since the holidays are gone, i can look forward to saving up some money, enjoying time with friends, enjoying more free time, and moving forward on some goals that (now) seem only natural and very attainable. it was nice this year to have long weekends, feeling as though everyday is sunday, yet better than sunday because tomorrow is another free day.

it has occured to me that i have not been doing much to enlighten myself, to challenge my mind, to question my world. through the use of social media, i put my words and thoughts out there (twitter, this blog), yet i can't seem to see how anything i have written has enhanced anyone's day, expanded their mind, or enriched their life. maybe for entertainment purposes, maybe, but i am better than that. instead of an endless stream of babble, i am going to try to focus on enrichment. before i send my thoughts out to the universe- i will ask myself how this will enrich or enhance someone's day. if i cannot answer that question, then it is not worth sending. the world is not my sounding board, and i will respect those by trying to share only relevant and interesting information (according to yours truly, of course. hah).

it's not just the babble- but i am almost ashamed that each day i find myself unable to cite an article that made me think about something in a new and different light. so, i am reading more. taking my english department head's advice on this one. a bit of background: when i came to college, i had taken a post-secondary class on english composition that dealt more with critical theory than i ever experienced in four years of undergrad combined. it was challenging, and my professor at the local community college was exceptionally smart. she also made me re-write my paper on marxist ideologies and how they relate to 20th century plays (yes, i was 17 years old) TWICE until i made a sound argument. (the paper was titled "marxist paper from hellllll" on my computer, and still is). in high school, i was somewhat lazy, tired of the authority, the pot-smoking preppy AP kids. i was not a chosen "smart one," i did alright enough to earn scholarships, but not enough to care or be recruited for any AP class. so, my confidence level in my writing ability was not all there, and i don't know how much i cared, beyond what this professor at the community college told me (or didn't. looking back, i see that her making me re-write things must have been a compliment, but a simple 'A' would have made me feel better).

when i got to college, i figured i would probably major in writing, minor in education, and possibly history. my first literature class led to the professor (head of the english department) pulling me aside to discuss my potential. i told him i wanted to be a writing major. he lectured me with an argument that made two valid points. 1) i already knew how to write. 2) in order to learn to write well, you must first read. a lot.

so, i was an english literature major by my sophomore year and never looked back. (except now when i wish someone would have just simply SHOWN me what a press release looked like. aka real world writing). for the sake of mentioning it, this professor also realized my oxymoronic combination of laziness and longing for perfection. he therefore rarely gave me an a, although frequently used samples of my writing as examples to the other english students. story of my life, let me tell you.

anyway, my old professor's argument point #2 always stuck with me. in order to write, you must read. and i know this to be extradinarily true... when i am reading, thinking, challenging myself and the author, i become a better writer (and probably a better person). self realization of 2010- i am reading more. not just novels, but articles, blogs, magazines, and some critical reviews. first up: the dolphin people. next up: the zookeeper's wife. next? something non wwII. (i can't get stuck in a rut)... possibly a book called something like the bluebird and women's search for happiness (just read a review of it and it looks promising). i am also going to try to keep a better house... in order to complete my oxymoronic self, i must discuss being a wife and an intellectual.... and yes, i'm struggling to succeed with both of those.

back when i started this blog, i discussed the concept of a post-marriage me. it's becoming clearer and yet fuzzier at the same time. it doesn't seem so limiting, but at the same time, it's like planning a vacation... where do i go? what can i afford to lose? what can i invest? more questions and more opportunities have appeared, and yet i somehow feel more settled.

oh, and my final (i think) resolution: better posture. if you see me slouching, please remind me. i won't be mad, i promise. cheers!

health, wealth, and happiness

... blog title just had to be used from a favorite movie of mine, in honor of brittany murphy.

anyway, i mentioned in my last post about how i got sick last week... and they (meaning the ER doctors) aren't sure if it was a virus- a crazy, fast-hitting stomach flu, or if it was food poisoning. regardless, being that sick made me want to consider rethinking the way i treat my body, what i consume, what air i breathe, and just how healthy of a lifestyle i really should be living. for as long as i can remember, i have been extremely compassionate towards animals. i'm sure i'm not different than most kids- but i would frequently allow stray cats in our house (when dad wasn't home, since he was allergic) and once kept one in our garage, its bed of rags hidden from view, and a little dish of milk and american cheese kept it purring throughout the cold winter months. anyway- i have always (always- ever since i can remember) hated fur and hated skins... and i believe i could probably be a vegetarian if i thought about it enough. sometimes i don't eat things that look too much like the animal it actually is. that doesn't include the thanksgiving turkey- i felt a moment of guilt but then participated in prying open the turkey butt and then (once it was cooked), peeling off its skin to eat it. - that sounds so vulgar, doesn't it?

beyond my little side feelings of guilt- which are almost always pushed to the side when i see a hamburger coming my way- are the concepts of the unsanitary living conditions, slaughterhouses, and hormones that all contribute to the raising and processing of said hamburger. i believe it isn't healthy to treat a living creature in that way (think about it. some people have more compassion for a tree than an animal), and i especially don't think its healthy to participate in the purchasing or consuming of that product.

husband and i often will buy organic, a choice we make for probably different reasons, but one that we feel good about. we buy almost all of our meat organic, as well as eggs, milk, and some vegetables. but to me, that's not enough. i still eat out often- and i still get processed, hormone-filled chicken (is it really chicken?) mashed down on a griddle and thrown together with some teriyaki sauce at the food court for lunch. while i enjoy food, and i like to cook, when thinking about ways to live a healthier lifestyle, i'm realizing that the products i choose to put in my body are not the best.

now, i do think i eat pretty damn well for the most part... in my defense, i feel a twinge of guilt if i have more than 1.5 mint milano cookies in one day, and i try to only drink water (and wine- hah) at home. but, as far as being careful about the impact of the choices i make when choosing what (and where) to eat, I could definitely improve.

beyond my eating habits, I want to improve my sleep, up my water intake, drink tea instead of coffee, and continue a workout regimen at overload fitness. the last one is the hardest for me... but i feel better when i'm fit- and one of the hardest transitions for me is learning to feel as though i'm accomplishing something while lifting weights. i used to live for the rush i felt after landing a new trick or the 'zone' i would get into while tumbling. the feeling of pushing aside your fears and doubts and insecurities and trusting yourself, all while flipping through the air. the feeling of strength and adrenaline i would get towards the end of tumbling practice- legs shaking but still throwing powerful back tucks. feeling as though i accomplish something while pushing against a machine? not so much. i'm starting to get there, though- with overload, the concept is to never "unload" from a machine- your muscles are under CONSTANT stress, and you maintain perfect posture and breathing throughout the super slow workout. it hurts like hell, and it's a series of mind over matter moments to get through it. the last workout i did left me unable to tip a glass of water to my lips, my arms were burning so badly, my eyes filling with tears over the intensity of it. it's a different feeling of accomplishment, but it's coming back, slowly.

i hope to continue a workout regimen that makes me stronger- reverses the effects of my early on-set bone loss, and provides relief for the nerve disease. and looking great in a bikini would be an excellent plus.

those are my new years resolutions- which sounds like an oxymoron. resolution has this connotation of an end- and those resolutions are more like beginnings for me. but whatever. cheers to 2010... and raise your (red- antioxident wine) if you will... health, wealth, and happiness!

saturday morning errands

7:43 on a Saturday! I should be grabbing a few extra minutes of sleep but by the time i do that it will be time to get up and start my day. I have a jam-packed day today, with lofty expectations. first, i hope to make it to a gas station before running out of gas. secondly, i hope to get all of our christmas shopping done today. husband is a BAD influence on me when it comes to getting things done early. he had some reasoning behind not shopping until now, something about our american express bill not coming until january? hm. not sure but right now i'm panicked. we should have made lists about what we hoped to get everyone and what the cost is... yet i'm stuck thinking of things last minute. i'm also not the best when it comes to thoughtful gifts. i try, but since i do things so last minute, it feels like it's not as thoughtful as it could have been. i have ideas for certain people, but nothing set in stone...

husband's gifts were all done last month on random shopping trips with my mom. he's easy to shop for in the sense that i usually just buy him clothes i hope he wears someday (ONE day), but he's so non-materialistic that it's tough to get him something he wants more than anything (besides a ps3. because i'm not paying $300 for a video game thing- not like we could afford that anyway, but you know). my mom says i'm clearly the easiest to shop for- and it's because i like things. and i want things. i have a normal wishlist i'm hoping for: a new winter coat, a new, cozy bathrobe, clothes for work, etc. i have my "i die" wishlist: a puppy, diamond earrings, a new car. and i have my "would be nice" wishlist: decorating stuff for my home, random tops/sweaters/jewelry, spa gift certificates, etc, etc. i just love things. so, i really am the easiest to shop for. if others (mom, dad, sister, husband) were as materialistic it would be so simple to get them something off their 200-item wishlist at any given time.

anyway, big plans for today include getting my hair done, a trip to the dmv, christmas shopping, and possibly watching my college alma mater face off in their bowl game. pretty standard. now i should probably go get ready so i have time to get gas and stop by the bank before the dmv. whew. wish me luck!

one month later...

almost a month ago, i wrote my last update. i really, really need to work on disciplining myself to write regularly. i'm not ready to give myself deadlines, because then it would turn into something that would stress me out, but i need to motivate myself to write regularly. i'm so into this phase of "action steps" from work that now i feel like i need action steps for my writing. i need to write regularly for at least a few months. then... what? i should really write some new short stories and send those in for publication, somewhere. the atlantic monthly? i think that's the journal that is impossible to get into... anyway, once i decide what the next steps are (if there are any), i'll let you know via blogging (that i'll be doing regularly).

someone once told me that i write better after a few glasses of wine... and i tend to agree. actually, i think i write better when i have a purpose for my writing. lately there hasn't been much purpose behind my entries. i feel like writing antecdotes on newlywed life- funny little things that only a new husband and wife could do... but sometimes i feel bad because it's always colored in my favor, and husband doesn't love being a character. but, then again, who cares?

a story from thanksgiving, shall we?

our first thanksgiving together... i took a day off work to prepare... we were all ready. but for some reason thanksgiving morning, although i was so prepared to be in the spirit of the holidays, something wasn't clicking. maybe it was because i told him 12 times i wanted to watch the parade and he turned on some cd (surround sound, of course) at the highest possible volume, blaring some heavy rock metal-type music. fine. maybe it was because we couldn't find any tablecloths or napkins at 5 stores the night before and had to resort to going to walmart in the morning. i think i may have been hungover as well, or at least not ready to wake up, by the time we got the turkey. dad brought the turkey over early (mom had bought it fresh and kept it in their spare fridge for us). husband tried to escape before the turkey came and go to walmart for table linens. long story short, i ended up in tears before we even attempted to get the crap out of our turkey's butt (which, incidentally, had frozen in the spare fridge, so we had to ice-chip out the bag of organs and other gross body parts).

so... finally, turkey is in the oven, and we went to walmart for the linens. husband assembled candleholders while watching the game, and i peeled potatoes. throughout the day, i wonder aloud that the house didn't exactly smell like an 18 lb. turkey was roasting in the oven. husband proceeded to tell me that he couldn't smell anything beyond the cinnamon broom i bought recently at the organic food store (it is a little strong). 3.5 hours into the cooking of the turkey, i finally opened the oven to discover that when (no names please...) _______ put it in the oven and set the timer, it was only set for preheat. huh. we "cooked" the turkey in an oven that had managed to cool down to room temperature in 3.5 hours and now had no thanksgiving meal.

panic ensued. (i first screamed). husband is asking me if random restaurant/buffet places sell roasted (cooked) turkeys. phone calls were made to my family, the guests of the dinner, and i ended up crying in probably every room of our house, while simultaneously hyperventilating and discussing the highest of expectations for our first holiday meal (and first dinner party, really). finally, it turned out alright. the oven was turned on, family assured that dinner was now at 7 instead of 3, and we were able to make an early trip to the in-laws instead of a late trip over. (of course we lied to everyone there and said we meant to have dinner later). ahhh... the holidays.


someone told me today that i have a pretty nice life with my husband and our little home. and i had to agree. husband is a life-saver (especially recently when i was sick and had to go to the ER... i'll spare you the details, but it involved puking an average of every 10 minutes for 4 straight hours. poor husband spent the entire night either cleaning up after me or sitting in a plastic chair with no arms at the ER while i dozed in and out of a morphine-induced sleep)... and we are also best friends. but, beyond that (and more along the lines of what that person was talking about today), we don't worry about the things that a lot of people dating around worry about. i'm always amazed at the dating world now... it seems to be broken up into the people who want to find "the one" -- those who could use eharmony or something, those who like dates involving dinner and wine and movies, and those who aren't interested in dating but who have some loose strings that occasionally trip them up... an ex from college, or a guy they've been talking to... but for one reason or another they aren't ready to commit. it seems stressful and hard to be a girl who is approachable to guys but not ready to go home with the first guy to come up to her in a bar.

anyway, i'm glad to not have to deal with those stresses, to be comfortable with him and us and not involve any other people. in a world where it's an oddity to stay together, i'm finding more and more that i like beating the odds.

.... this post is going nowhere fast. someone want to send a cure for writer's block? i'm going to just start writing more often... they may be pointless, but i'll get somewhere eventually with these blog posts.

holiday cheer

whew. it's been one long weekend, and yet passed by so quickly. i feel guilty that i haven't written in awhile, and don't have much in particular to say (cue the back button on your browser now?). we're just moving forward with life... work weeks seem to roll up and then retreat, sort of like the tides. the only difference this past week was that i felt even more disconnected to my home, my husband. it's tough to balance particularly busy weeks and consuming work with life. that's why it's now 9pm on a sunday and husband is at the grocery store while i'm listening to the clothes clank around in the dryer. however, i'm thrilled that this week will be a short one-- we're preparing for the holidays over here so i'm taking off a day this week, which will be nice. naturally, i've waited until the last minute and still haven't bought a tablecloth or napkins or put together my cute candleholders for the centerpiece. so i'm pretty positive that day off that i envision as a relaxing day cooking and baking with mom will probably contain about 3 trips to the grocery store, 2 trips to michael's craft store, and probably a circle between pier 1, pottery barn, and jc penny for linens. oh well, i think i probably work best under pressure, anyway.

i'm looking forward for a break for some family time. maybe this weekend was just intense because of the big football game, but i am excited for a friday/saturday that isn't filled with beer at the local high-school-reunion bar. i need a good date night, i think. a date night with wine and romance, not beer and burping. (sick. but really there's been too much of that going on lately). i'm a fan of football season (by default. but if i didn't like it then i would hate my job, and i can't hate my job), don't get me wrong, but the fact that i know the beer specials on wednesday nights at more than 4 bars is disgusting.

it may be worth mentioning that we stopped in a random bar on friday night only to be confronted with guys from the past- boys who went to my high school (technically they went to my kindergarten, grade school, middle school, and high school, but who's counting?), and who decided my junior year of high school that they hated my boyfriend. weird, considering none of them bothered to date anyone outside of their group (rumors flew multiple times about the STDs that passed around like a cold), much less pay any attention to me. i know people say that all the time- but i really don't think they cared much for anyone else aside from the same girls (fatter now) that they hung around with then. i would occasionally see them at parties in high school, but we pretty much stuck to our own crowds. anyway-- for some reason they took a disliking to my boyfriend because he was with me. and turns out, they all still hate that same boyfriend. it was amazing. and annoying at the same time. i barely said two words to them, and tried to calm husband down who was fuming about a boy who grabbed his michigan hat. said boy also wandered up to me, wasted and almost incoherent to ask which company i work for. he then proceeded to ask if i've received his resume (twice he sent it to me). then he grabbed husband's hat and asked if i knew "this kid." now, i'm all for recommending people, even if we weren't friends, if i feel someone would be a great candidate for a job. but i wouldn't consider giving this kid an unpaid internship, considering that since 8th grade i've only known him as an incoherent drunk who was mostly stoned throughout his teen years. from the looks of things, nothing much has changed.

so- moving forward. i think it's time for a nice dinner, some oysters, and a martini or two to clear the air. some place with no tv's would be fabulous. quick post, i know- but i'm going to go switch the laundry out and continue looking up recipes for some holiday cranberry sauce... it's almost time for the holidays, and i can't wait for some holiday cheer... :)

tell me what you're looking for...

the first thing anyone says when they hear i like to write is what's your favorite author? and that's probably one of the top 5 questions i hate the most (next one being the infamous dinner party question). so- who is my favorite author? i don't know, sometimes it's john steinbeck, jack kerouac, sometimes it's cs lewis, and sometimes its the graffiti on the wall. sometimes its stephanie myers, other times its ancient writers. god- who i love to read depends so much on who i am at that moment. the one concept i tried to convey to my students over and over again is that writing and reading is a two way conversation. the author makes meaning, and the reader makes meaning. all based on your own experiences, and usually that meaning changes, based on those experiences. therefore- who i am as a writer has as much to do with me as it does with you- reading these words, following the patterns of my speech, agreeing, disagreeing, constantly making evaluations, comparing and contrasting from your own perspective(s).

when i answer the question with a nervous laugh and vacillate between authors of different contexts and time periods, the person then tries to save me and asks what i'm reading right now. i don't know what i'm reading right now. i just picked up new moon to read some of that before bed. before that i read glamour magazine, and before that i was reading french women don't get fat. do those sound like the literary choices of someone who loves to read and write? probably not. i was never into those english majors who thought they could go about a room, spouting off on how much they love updike or faulkner, or even sedaris. sure- i like all of those authors. but i like them all at different times... when i like to read for me, and when i like to get lost in a book, i prefer to turn to my tried-and-true 'a time for dancing,' a novel i first read when i was about 14 years old, a novel that still makes me cry at the end, and still makes me blush when i read the f-word in print. it's like that go-to sweater we all have... it's my go-to book.

i don't want to sound all anti-literary-snob, because i truly was afraid to read the twilight series. i spent my time in school deciphering chaucer's love poetry and george eliot's limonal characters in cross-cultural diasporas. i analyzed short fiction- just how does flannery o'connor show grace through violence? and 20th century plays... oh, i've read. and i enjoy challenging myself. but when you're home and you want to just read to read- do you pick up some jack kerouac and try to follow endless sentences and stream-of-consciousness writing? maybe for an hour, until your eyes cross and your head starts pounding.

i think sometimes we get too caught up in the confines of society that we tend to step into the role. so, when someone asks my favorite author- sometimes i say steinbeck (the safe choice), other times i say i like victorian literature (the literary choice. plus, i did study it the most in school), and yet sometimes i want to scream. would you ask a musician what their favorite song is? probably. and they probably think- geez, lady- i guess i like them all. i like this song when i'm crying, this one when i'm buzzed, and this one when i'm thinking. and that's just on tuesday!

hmm... anyway. i'm on my way to bed soon... and i must give a little public thanks to my mother- who came over today while i was at work and cleaned and tidied and just in general got my house in line. plus, she brought me presents since i have a nervous breakdown every morning before work (i have nothing to wear. ever). i think i've said it before on here- but if i haven't- she is the reason we (husband and i) are both happy to be living here. husband told me that he has to call her to thank her for coming over and picking up my crap. hah. he then asked where his presents were... silly husband! i just discovered that the holidays are going to be even more special. in addition to it being the first Christmas we've ever spent together (ever. in 7 years of dating!!), my family is staying home from florida this year... which means that we will get to spend Christmas with both of our families and each other. i don't think words could ever express how much this means to me. the holidays are magical and romantic to me- i would give up valentine's day in a heartbeat if i could spend every Christmas with the people i love... it is truly the most romantic and love-filled time for me, and the chance to spend it with those i love (all of those i love) is just incredible. plus, we're having a new years party!! that's right- i've finally convinced the husband to throw a party with me. i'm pretty excited about it- and have already started the process of printing invitations. so- that's life right now. a rant about authors and a little note of the love-filled holidays. cheers- and happy holidays...

love affair with the tropics

ok, maybe not a love affair with the tropics, but definitely a love affair with the water. i grew up in a town with a beach... and to be honest, my favorite time to visit the beach is the fall. let me explain: in the summer, the beach is filled with a vast array of the trashiest, whore-iest, nastiest people cleveland has to offer. and i'm not exaggerating. the beach is littered (literally and figuratively) with trash. you can find extended families with about 20 children running naked around, screaming, and their barefoot, pregnant moms chasing after them. or, sometimes, sitting and smoking with them. you can find a representation of the biggest gangstas/wangstas cleveland has to offer, often with their whole ass/boxers hanging out and a nice little shaved chinstrap along their face. then there's always the fun game of tattoo scavenger hunt. i bet you i could find a popeye tattoo with a naked chick hanging on the other arm and a tweety bird on the calf. see? i win!

when i was little, mom used to forbid me to go there by myself, of course the second i was allowed to ride bikes to get ice cream i would promptly disobey her, and often be exposed to the most tricked out pontiacs around. bass blaring, green neons running along the side, and pornos playing in the trunk. then they would all rev their engines and take off to drag race, or just drive really loudly to their parties.

so, the beach in the summertime is not always the most fun time. however, in the fall, when its cold enough to scare away most of the trash and leave behind only a few stoned teenagers, i love going and sitting by the water. for as long as i can remember, i have gone to the beach when i need to think, when i need to be reminded of how large the world is, and how signficant and completely insignificant i am. i guess i feel a sort of strange connection to the water- it reminds me of a different world-- i once heard that we know more about outer space than we do the ocean-- but it also reminds me of the most special memories... vacations, laughter, even the feeling of conquering your fears. i have so many memories with the water- from my short stint on the diving team in high school, including the bruises it gave me as i learned new tricks, and the feeling of freedom as i plunged from a 7 meter platform, and also the time i sunk beneath the surface after hitting my head on the board... it reminds me of learning to waterski, flying across the surface, and the moments of solitude as i sat on the beach, writing in my journal when i was 15 years old.

i went to visit the mountains out west with my family and i felt unsettled. i guess i felt unsettled for a number of reasons (the mormons in salt lake city did not help), but i knew i could never feel peaceful next to them. i saw how majestic and beautiful it was to see mountains covered in snow as you drove along the highway, but it reminded me of how much i love the ocean, the lake, the water. i really think i have a love affair with the tropics. i breathe easier when i'm standing on the edge of something immense and complex... and i feel much more connected to the ground. today i wasn't feeling well at all, and needed to escape my house and its stuffy air, so i walked the short walk to the beach. now, i would love to live on the water, but sometimes it's so magnificent to me, i wonder if my house were on the edge of that if i would be able to handle it. it would be a cathartic experience almost every time i saw the water... anyway... random musings before bed... i need to get some rest so i can feel 100% for the weekend- i love weekends.

you've got a fast car- is it fast enough so we can fly away?

i can hear a train siren in the distance and it's annoying me. actually, not much isn't annoying me at this point... even lola was herded back to her cage after her display of thumping and biting when i tried to spend time with her tonight. it's a night in which i feel restless, which isn't helping at all. i guess because the majority of the night was spent on the couch, watching remakes of 90's soaps and feeling somewhat alone. i have this energy sort of balled up inside of me, and i'm annoyed because the world isn't open to it. i need to watch the clock... another work day exists in about 10 hours...

i'm also feeling annoyed about my money situation. husband and i combined accounts, which was fine. yes, just fine. i never thought i would really care about money- and i do care about how he spends it, but i hate having to think twice before i spend anything. i want enough to afford a car, great decor for our home, & napkins and napkin rings for thanksgiving dinner. but mostly i want that car. we've started the beginnings of a search for a new car... not sure quite what we're going to end with- most likely not a new one, but probably a pretty good used small suv.... there is the outside chance that we could go with a new one, however- especially since i work in a business where we support many different car dealers and have great relationships with them. so, we'll see.

i'm the type of bratty child that used to decide i wanted something and then get it. that didn't mean i didn't work for it. but me wanting something went sort of like... i decided on something i had to have, and proceeded to fixate on it for about 2-5 days. once i decided i had to have it, i started talking about it, asking about it for 1-2 days. finally, i would start negotiations with my parents. if they wouldn't pay for it, or split it with me (that was always the great go-to plan), they would tell me i had to work for it. and i would work my ass off doing chores, negotiating pay rates for vaccuming the car, walking the dog, shining dad's shoes. whatever they would pay me- i would take until i could get what i wanted. and then i would get it that day.

i think my tactics still shape a lot of how i behave and view purchases. i do make some pretty dumb day-to-day ones ($8 lunch... bottles of wine... etc), but when i decide i want something, i somehow subliminally come up with a plan for how i will get it. (case in point: front row n'sync tickets. i told my mom the night i heard the radio contest that i would win it the next day. and i did). so, this car thing is starting to click in my brain... i'm starting to fixate on it. driving to and from work is now more research (much like during the whole landscaping fiasco. i think i could tell you how many weeping cherry trees there are on lake rd for a 3 mile stretch while i was contemplating filling our barren lawn), and i'm starting to look at more cars than bmw and lexus... deciding that maybe, just maybe, i might be able to drive a chevy, or a jeep, or a nissan. hmmm...

so- my annoyed mood is not being helped by the fact that my brain is starting to fixate on a large purchase, requiring a down payment and monthly payments (both of which i hate). sometimes i get into this weird mood where i just think things should be mine. i don't think i have a conscious thought process for it, but i've caught myself almost stealing weird things because i think that it's mine. (for example: at a particularly expensive lunch joint, i tend to reach for a diet coke. after i've paid). i feel that way about things i hate to purchase- gas, toilet paper, tampons, vacuum bags... or, big-ticket items, like a car, or a sexy black leather coat. why- really, why- does anything need to cost that much in this world? i would help the economy a lot more if cars were more like a pair of louboutins... a big enough purchase to not do it every month (or even every 6 months) but not big enough to go into debt over.

ughhh no more money talk. i'm an old married lady aren't i? sick... what a completely negative and annoying post. i think i will say some thank you's to clear the air, settle my score with the universe. send some positivity my way, i could use the less-restless sort of energy....