my life is like a mobile, spinning around.

i'm sitting here with lola, as she tries to bite my hand off every time i type... possibly this won't work out for a successful blog post... she may be sent to her cage soon. anyway, i haven't written much because i've been busy. lame excuse, i know. but by busy i mean that i got home from work late every night last week, and was feeling so overwhelmed/exhausted/semi-unmotivated that i just couldn't do much but flop on the couch for an hour before it was time for bed. we had events all weekend- which was terrifying because now i'm supposed to be in charge of them, but not really in charge yet, and all this limbo stuff made me sort of crazy. when i got home on sunday and realized we had another event after work on monday, i wanted to cry. however, things are looking up in the work-world, as in... i'm finally getting somewhat caught up that i feel like soon i can stop looking backwards and start looking forward-- making plans to make us more efficient, more creative, and focusing on growth instead of "how the hell did this get done in the past, and how the hell am i supposed to get it done now??" this promotion at work has definitely been taking over my life... and i feel like i'm just getting the nuts and bolts of it now... like i'm really a glorified intern, one who is just as an intern (not any of ours, but "intern" in general), but motivated to figure things out a little more. i actually am embarassed by my new title... i don't think i deserve it (yet). funny, huh? i should just get a grip and accept that those i respect have decided i can handle it and trust them.

anyway, that has truly been my life recently. but, i'm realizing again how important balance is in my life... i had this wonderful family friend/mentor describe my life as a mobile... meaning that all of the different things needed to balance each other out to keep it centered and moving. i only notice the mobile metaphor when things get out of hand, though. i noticed it at certain times in my life... she first brought it up to me when i received a letter from my birth mother. it was the oddest few days of emotions for me- for something that i've always accepted (being adopted), i hadn't ever considered the range of emotions tied into being someone else's child, being given away, and being brought into a new home. i had a million feelings of hate, love, confusion. for a long time i felt as though my life had been decided for me. once i spoke to this family friend/mentor, she explained the mobile concept to me and it clicked somehow. she also said that it was ok to be angry, and it was ok to not figure it all out right then. she suggested sitting with an unsettled feeling. just letting it be until the mobile could sort of right itself. it's such a huge concept that seems so little when you write it out- but the idea of sitting with an uneasy feeling is incredibly difficult (at least for me). knowing that you don't know how to feel, knowing that it's ok to not know how you're feeling.

my senior year of college i felt very unsettled about a lot of things. the life-mobile got out of whack as i realized that i had made every major decision that would define my life when i was 17 years old. i tried to rebel, to fix the unsettling feeling, and then realized that i wouldn't know the answers right away (if ever). i needed to make decisions that were the best for me and my health, and slowly the mobile worked itself out.

so, now that i had a few minutes to write, i'm still writing/thinking about work. amazing. today is the husband's birthday, and i had this fancy dinner all planned out for him: steaks with gourmet mushrooms, scallops, fingerling potatoes and asparagus and cheesecake factory for dessert. of course he's sick this week. which means that he's sort of sniffling and coughing and being gross with kleenex, but not that sick. meaning- he's still up for some things (wink). but sick enough to tell me after i went to the store late last night and thawed all the food for him (steak, scallops), that he didn't think anything would be very appetizing to him today and asked if we could go to alladin's for dinner instead. seriously? i was ready to scream. he doesn't even like birthdays that much, i don't think. he wants the dinner on friday now but that's not really his birthday. friday is always a good day for cooking because i don't feel bad about getting to bed early and i don't feel bad about the amount of wine i consume while cooking (kidding. kind of). but now he's sick again and asking when i'm going to be done writing. isn't it amazing how boys deal with a little bit of sickness? now, i was sick awhile ago, and acted as though the world was ending, but i was like, really sick. when i was on the phone with someone they asked what was wrong because i had a combination of phoebe's sexy voice (circa 'smelly cat') and an odd nasally voice sort of like ben stein. he is just sort of sniffling. anyway... it still is his birthday and i need to go to bed early tonight anyway (sleep has been ruling my life. it's not an option to get less than 7 hours, i just wouldn't make it anymore). so- here we are, boring married couple... anyone want to hang out this weekend? :)

hmm... ruined another baked good, and it's not even 8am yet. I am the world's most terrible baker. i keep thinking that i really just need more practice, so i know what i'm looking for, but i can't even make one (just one!!) great baked good. i just burned these cinnamon struesel muffins that come out of a box. it's always for some stupid reason, too. i didn't think they looked very golden brown after 16 minutes, so i popped them back in for another 5. oops. this morning consisted of husband getting up, waking me up as usual, and then me following him to the kitchen. i decided to make muffins because he ate not only all of his cereal this week, but all of mine as well. it was actually fun at first, i asked for an egg and he proceeded to try out my "soft hands" on the underhanded egg toss (it is labor day weekend, after all), and then i proceeded to crack the egg open all over the countertop. at which he yelled, asking me why i continue to bake, and i yelled because its really gross to try to pick up a broken egg yolk from the counter. anyway, after all that (and the dishes aren't even clean yet), i burned the muffins. go figure.

ohhh... breaking news in the middle of this post. so, lola (the bunny) was playing in this blanket we have in the office, just digging and being silly. she then all of a sudden took off (not too unusual), but then i realized she was being chased by a giant spider. GIANT. it serisouly had teeth, i think. i screamed, she ran into a corner and thumped, and then let out a little scream as well. ughhh thankfully, home renovator that my husband is, tools are left throughout our house. i just managed to kill it using a hammer, and miraculously didn't break the bookshelf. sick. my little town is beautiful, but living near the metroparks and on a wooded lot makes for tons of spiders... i'll have to tell husband where the carcass is so he can dispose of it after work, huh? poor little lola, i think she may be scarred for awhile. she's stretched out in her "i'm exhausted" position, breathing heavy and baring her teeth.

alright- off to enjoy this beautiful day... beginning with a nap, then laundry and a little bit of cleaning so i can not feel guilty about reading out on our deck while college gameday on espn blasts in the other room.

enjoy the weekend!!

light a fire and let it burn...

today i am wrestling with so many doubts and questions, and such a huge headache. i've asked this question before... but how do you pick up your confidence and light the match and set it all in motion? lately i feel like i'm dragging this weight behind me, and it's getting so frustrating. i don't feel motivated, and for me, it's usually for one of two potential reasons. 1) i don't feel challenged, or feel respect for those challenging me, 2) i'm just overwhelmed and don't feel like i have the confidence or resources, or time management skills to get. shit. done. i keeep going back to the example of the one letter i always forget to mail, or the dry cleaning, or the library books that i should just return already... but once it gets out there, i push it to the side, ignore it, and although occasionally it bubbles up and stresses me out, for the most part i can pretend it doesn't exist. i have SO much to do, that i can't seem to even put one foot in front of the other and move forward. i just stand there and pretend to not see the path. or make excuses for the path not being visible.

it's not just work things (although all of those changes are leaving me sort of spinning), but its the house again. don't you think i would be much better off if i just hired a housekeeper? i need someone to do my laundry, food prep (not cooking. i love my time spent cooking), cleaning, and dishes. landscaping would, as always, be nice.

the thing is, i imagine some people look at challenges, say something really lame like- "onward and upward!" and just get crackin. me, i seem to be looking at these new challenges with giant doe-eyes, a headache and an intense desire for some wine and a nap. i keep telling myself that was how i was when i first started my job- i felt really out of place and in over my head, and very, very confused. i felt the same way when i went to college (except then it was more of a: f***, how am i going to stay in this itty bitty town for four years of my life? hah. that fear never changed). don't you wish you had the ability to just freeze life- a la sabrina the teenage witch- walk around, take a nap, HOLD EVERYTHING until your brain felt better? i envy that almost as much as i envy the whole finger pointing zing-new-outfit-trick she pulled (could have used that this morning; my entire closet is currently either on the floor or the bed because i. have. nothing. to. wear.)

today, i started praying on the drive home. weird, right? oftentimes i will think about God, and it's not like i haven't prayed before... i used to every night, and often throughout the day. God's a weird concept for me, though. it's too big for my brain to handle, and i'm such a skeptical, analytical person that i often question 'who' the omniscient being is that i'm speaking to, and what exactly i expect to receive. i feel like such a hippie when i say/think this, but i am much more comfortable with my God being a sort of faithful energy, something different and meaningful for each person. i love, love, love the idea of God- i mean, who doesn't? the ultimate in authority, caring and fearful, loving and fair, a perfect being. to me, God has always seemed to be more of a constant being, something that gives me peace, but also serves as my conscious. extremely personal, in other words, and i can't imagine my God being the same for anyone else. i guess i don't even feel comfortable with the word God, to be perfectly honest. it's more of an extension of a spiritual thing for me. although i spent years at church camp as a kid (yes, really!), and i've gone through so many phases with my religious beliefs, i have just so many questions that are unanswerable... one thing i do know, is that i will always respect anyone's interpretation of their God (provided, of course, that their God does not approve of mass suicide bombings or other horrific deeds people do in the name of their God), because i would want respect and reverie of my version.

it's been a long day... got home late to the hubby watching bad vh1 reality tv. tool academy? daisy of love? that's pretty much on whenever sportscenter or the discovery channel is not on. i haven't figured out the draw of the discovery channel, except that we both love animals (but i really don't like that channel and all their swordfish-killing shows), and the fact that it broadcasts in 1080p- some type of high definition that he appreciates. so, i think i will close this post, weary and drop into bed...

i'll leave with a word from walt whitman :)

this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals despite riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning god, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss what ever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...
-walt Whitman


p.s.
i was thinking how much it sucks that you can't take a computer just anywhere with you and write. i can't just sit down on a bench and start typing in the middle of cleveland, and i can't just sit in the bathtub with a glass of wine and just type (maybe on a phone, like rev run, though. -- met him recently. big fan!). notebooks are so vintage, and sort of annoying, but maybe i'll have to start bringing it back into fashion. i'll write my entire novel from a phone or a steno pad- what do you think?

autumn thinking...

its starting to feel like fall again- and as much as i love fall, its so bittersweet because summer is ending so quickly... and it always throws me off when school starts. i guess because i spent so much of the significant years of my life in school, i get this odd feeling like i'm not done yet- i'm not ready to be an adult. i should still be in high school, college, sometimes middle school (6th grade really was a fun time). i know its not all its cracked up to be- those were difficult years and i probably spent more time crying than laughing, but something about fall brings me back... it sort of pains me when i see the kids in my neighborhood walking to the high school. it could also be my irrational fear of aging that catches up to me when i realize that i don't belong there anymore.

but i do love the crispness of fall, and the cider, apples, sweaters, new boots, tights, dresses, orange and yellow leaves, birthday presents. honestly just too many things to count. husband and i spent the past few days enjoying our small little town and our little home together. last night i made this mediteranean humuus from a pasta sauce i had bought at the farmer's market (sounds weird once its written out, but it was fab, i promise), and sat outside around our little firepit table eating it with a fresh loaf of italian bread (also from the market), and drinking this great orange wheat beer. tonight we had a great dinner (courtesy of me- top chef that i am), and then went for a nice little bike ride to visit my mom and sister and show them my new hair color.

sometimes i worry about revealing too much about myself on this thing- or through twitter, or facebook. i'm the type to just trust people and then start talking... but how much information is too much? clearly we're a nation/culture that loves personal information... i have to confess, if john mayer were to send out a play-by-play tweet of his day, i would probably scroll through and read every one of them (when i had time, of course). and this blog seems to be a hit among my friends- and if they were to write one, i would of course read it all the time. people say they don't want to 'twitter' because no one would care about their life- but people do care. how many pictures do we look at on facebook, usually of a friend-of-a-friend? acquaintance at best, i suppose. it's such an odd world we live in- one that is getting more personal, but usually on our own terms. maybe that's a better way to live? and hey, i maybe blog about my newly married life, but i don't have 2 camera crews following me around while i learn to change the paper towel holders and question the branding of 'chicken of the sea.' (i own that dvd series. and i still love it. in my mind they are perfectly happy together).

anyway, off to bed- it's only monday but i have a feeling this week will be a long one!

botox, shoes, and lasagna. pretty random, sorry.

so today we had a meeting that went late, and i didn't get home until around 8pm. when i came home, i immediately searched for the husband, half expecting him to be sticking his head in the fridge, ravenously searching for food (i have an imagination, i know). instead, he was calmly playing video games and shouting at mike hart to run/catch the football (i forget what position he plays), pretty standard for a boy. i told him i was headed into the kitchen for two reasons: wine, and to make dinner. he told me it was already in the oven. now for some reason i immediately jumped to the perfectly normal conclusion that he had figured out what recipe i was going to make from the list on the fridge, went into the cookbooks and whipped up a little chicken tetrazzini casserole. when i went to check on it, however, i realized that actually it was a frozen lasagna my mom had brought over that was bubbling up in our oven.

when i questioned him, i learned that it was probably a little ridiculous for me to assume he knew where the cookbooks are kept, but at least i know he can fend for himself in the kitchen, right?

so we had lasagna, as it started to get dark and although i offered, no salad was needed, nor vegetables. i'm starting to think that it's really not that hard to keep a man happy (or at least my man). we also bought some more furniture this weekend, including a buffet i love from world market, and a coffee table. i also managed to accidentally spend $200 on a picture frame, which made me sad because that's almost halfway to a pair of louboutins and i should just hold out for those. the problem began when i went to the custom framing counter with this giant art print, and made the lady pull every single frame corner piece off the velcro pad on the wall. when i finally found one i liked, she quoted me $192... but she was so nice, and since i had made her search for the exact right piece, i felt terrible just walking away. i asked to see some cheaper options, and she pulled out some ugly metal frames that look like they belong in a dorm room. so, i passed over the american express and handed over the print. oops. i don't mind spending large amounts of money if its something just absolutely fabulous, but i'm not even sure i like this print that much anyway (sort of like our office paint color), yet i'm willing to live with it for at least a year before forcing it out of my life. oh well, live and learn, i suppose. all i can think about is the fact that louboutins are actually something i could purchase one month, if i decide not to purchase anything else... and clearly that possibility is out the window for this month.


one of my fears in life is working too hard to enjoy it, or working too hard that i eventually pass up great opportunities. now, i do realize that when you enjoy work, and you receive opportunities at work, you should feel grateful for those opportunities. however, i still need to learn to save my money appropriately so that i can create opportunities for myself: own a second home (on the lake somewhere. or in wilmington), start my own business, raise a family at home, and further my education... not to mention become ridiculously wealthy and rub elbows with the rich and fabulous in the hamptons. (kidding. sort of.)

i guess those are normal goals for the average middle-class adult, but i want them all by the time i'm 30. i'm going to be 24 this year, which makes me want to puke. i'm already the type to 'forget' my age. i really think that certain things (like that letter i just keep forgetting to mail, or the dry cleaning that sits in a pile for weeks before making it to the cleaners), i just block them from my mind. my birthday, unfortunately is one of them. whenever someone asks me how old i am, i stop and think about it. i realize i don't have a great respect for numbers anyway, which could be a big part of the problem, but i also just don't want to ever think about aging. i don't want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, ever. typing those words makes me crazy. it's not just the getting old process, it's the fear that i'm not moving up to pace, that i'm not accomplishing things, that i'm spinning my wheels. i honestly believe that i would not have a problem just living. continuously. forever, if you will. every year is so bittersweet- where does the time go? what will this year bring? i know i'm not alone in this fear, either. it's probably pretty standard among... oh, everyone.

anyway, i guess with botox, and by keeping myself open to new possibilities, i can move forward without wishing away the present.

i want desperately to avoid, in any way possible, being typical. yet i am in so many ways... my little cookie-cutter world that was built since high school. and i like my world, don't get me wrong. but i want to be fabulous. the book i will write someday will help propel me there, i think. and it's not wrong to have high expectations for your future- i believe it's ok to be thankful for all that i do have and to still wake each day craving for more. it's what keeps us going, motivated, moving towards another (dreaded) year.

that's all for tonight...

sink or swim...

another sunday morning... i hate sundays, but i love the peaceful quality of sunday mornings. it's like the last day of vacation, where you wake up and really try to savor every smell, sound, and moment before you have to start packing. one last walk on the beach, one last vacation breakfast, one last look at the calm lake in the morning. i have so many vacation memories- my family used to take one at least every summer, and usually more throughout the year. but every summer for about six years, my family would go to this one resort-ish place in canada, called blue water acres. we stayed in very simple cottages spread out on the shore of a beautiful lake, and the kids had the run of the place, because it was so safe. the mornings usually involved coffee and a walk to the small beach to reserve some adirondak chairs, sign up for waterskiing, and then a doughnut from the bakery about 5 minutes up the windy road, filled with moose and (surprisingly) friendly brown bears. we would play all day, go on hikes, fishing, waterskiing, and finally end each day with a giant game of capture the flag throughout the property and a bonfire by the beach. what an amazing vacation it was... and how wonderful to spend a week every summer just playing by the lakeshore.

this summer has been a summer of changes for me, and i'm starting to try to plan vacations for my new family- husband and me. but where do we go? what can we afford? and when do we go? i've looked into taking a road trip to the carolina's (in my first strong attempt to persuade him we need to move to wilmington), yet i also want another honeymoon-ish trip, maybe an all-inclusive resort at some exotic island- st. lucia, bermuda, or something similar. i want to go out west and show dave the mountains, and i also want to save our money so we can experience italy together. the whole world is open for exploring, and i don't even know where to start. it's also hard when i've seen so much, and want to see it again with him... vacations were a way of life growing up, and it's interesting to try to figure out how to fit them into my new life.

i wanted to maybe take a friday off and spend a long weekend up at the lake erie islands before summer slips by, but i'm not sure if we'll be able to, now. i just received a promotion at work... it's so new and i can't wrap my head around it. it's something i'm extremely excited for, but i now have to figure out how to balance all that i was doing, with an entirely different full-time job. i had wanted to position myself to move into this role in some fashion eventually, but was shocked when they told me that i would be taking over soon. and not only taking over, but keeping all of my other responsibilities as well. needless to say, i'm feeling overwhelmed. i don't even know where to start- i don't know how to organize myself, i don't know what exactly i'm responsible for, and i don't know anything about managing this much responsibility. i know it will come in time, and it's still very new to everyone... it's just such a challenge (and such a vague one), that i'm sort of still spinning. don't get me wrong- it's an amazing job title, as well as an amazing amount of trust and faith they put in me, and i am so, so blessed to be working at a company who is willing to give me this opportunity. i guess like anything else- i'm scared at the change, i'm questioning myself, and i'm really questioning how to adjust to yet another change this summer.

isn't it funny how my life is filled with such great new opportunities and challenges, yet the fear of not succeeding keeps me up at night? why can't i have the courage to look at a new trail and feel as though i can conquer it with no doubts? i guess these big new steps in the big, scary world of being an adult make me wish i had some more time, some time to savor the moment, figure out my feelings, take a second, like the last day of vacation to appreciate every smell, every moment, and every step towards the water. it can't just be sink or swim...

"when you arise in the morning, this of what a privilege it is to be alive: to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love" - marcus aurelius

forgive me for being honest

i've had a glass of wine (or two. or three.) forgive me, for being honest. i was reminded today of the term 'service.' what it is like to be a service to others, to depend on others, and to serve others. now, although automatically i want to jump to the rewarding aspects of service, i must confess, i've spent the better part of the afternoon wanting to strangle those i'm serving.

i should explain, i've spent four summers working at a country club, serving those who are (some) more fortunate than i, and others (most), who think they are more fortunate than i. i am now working in an industry where we must serve others, every day, to maintain relationships, and build partnerships. i touted the fact that i used to be in a country club setting, i understand the meaning on service, i told them. the truth was, i don't, and i don't think i ever will. i suppose i was raised differently, although i sound like a brat often, and my best friend and i (after many, many drinks), will sometimes exclaim that 'everyone is so stupid but us,' i know that it really, truly, isn't right. i respect those who deserve respect- those who are kind, those humans who have not attempted to hurt me, or my family and friends. and sometimes i even respect those who have tried to hurt me, or my family and friends. yet- i can't get over the fact that some people treat others as though they are less of a person than themselves.

i encountered it constantly at the country club. just recently, while in an elevator in downtown cleveland i saw a former member. i didn't recognize him, but when he said 'hey coach!' in a derrogatory manner, i realized that he was from the club. it was simple. he spoke down on me, therefore he was from the club. it's sad that i can make associations that clearly (and later, i did remember him, and his family, from the summer i spent trying to build a swim team that i had no business coaching, considering i've never been on a swim team in my life). i encounter the patronizing every day just being a woman. sometimes, for a reason i cannot explain, it makes me feel powerful. other times, it makes me feel cheap, and less of a person. i encounter it because i am young, because i wear heels, the list continues. i should be used to it by now, don't you think?

as i said earlier, i've spent the majority of the evening drinking wine, and discussing with my mom and my husband the nuances of those that i serve. those that i indirectly serve as well, and i discovered that at the end of the day, i was done dwelling in the negative (although i think it was necessary to do). i realized that to serve others has a sort of strange meaning, in which you can get spit upon, chewed up, and kicked, and yet, as long as you have served them, you can feel a pride in yourself. it's an odd phenomenon, and i don't understand it in the least, but at the end of a very long day, i can still hold my head up and decide that i am worthy, on my own, just through serving others. that is what service is- giving a part of yourself to help someone.

although my examples from today (of which i will not elaborate) and in the past could seem trivial, i think you cannot compare anothers' journey to mine. it is all relative. it may not be the greatest example of service, but i feel the pain, and the joy, it brings today, and i think that's all that counts.

i said goodbye to a friend this weekend, she is serving in the peace corps for two years. for some strange reason, the new, emotionally-charged me has spent the past few days bursting into tears. husband, even after going through a tough few weeks with me, has told me it is very strange of me to cry so often and so easily about this. it's not like we weren't apart before- she spent her college years hundreds (thousands?) of miles away from me, and we didn't speak that often, save for a few cards/phone calls on birthdays. but the thought of her leaving for something so permanent was so hard for me to handle. i understand her need to serve others, though, and i respect her wish to make her impact on the world. i admire her courage, and her strength. i think for anyone, peace corps set aside, the chance to follow your heart into the unknown takes a special skill, a special strength, a special heart.

i guess this idea of service goes deeper than my issues today, or at the club, but i can see a pattern in my life. service doesn't always feel good, in fact, i'm not sure true service is supposed to, but at the end of the day, when you hold up your head, can you feel worthy? can you feel proud of the person you are, the people you helped, the person you're becoming?

note: the picture above is my time spent on crutches, in a cast, and learning to become a stronger person, with the help of my (then) boyfriend, (now) husband.

coffee and tissues

so, it's been awhile. that's because i have a cold and i am the biggest baby about being sick. i tend to complain (& bitch) about my throat hurting, not sleeping well, and my sinus pain, and then feel sad for myself. then i try to get husband to do all things for me (honey- will you please take the whites out of the dryer. can you get me a glass of orange juice? i cannot cook tonight, or go to the grocery store all week, babe). he's pretty good about being kind and compassionate, but the whites are still in the dryer and to solve the grocery issue he's been getting take-out/taking me out to eat. i mean, not a terrible arrangement, but i remember when i was at school and he would come down to clean my room and bathroom, make me soup, and leave airborne for me before he had to leave. once he had a bath drawn with orange juice, toast, and soup set out for me. living together is a whole different ballgame, ladies.

i'm not going to write much today because i have plans to go with my mom to bargain shop-- tj maxx and target. i know target has all those designer collaborations but i can't get over the fact that some of their stuff just feels so cheap to me. i'm a very tactile shopper- constantly touching things and exclaiming how soft or un-soft it is. oftentimes i will buy a shirt because it is the softest thing i've felt in the store all day, until i realize that having a million soft things does not a great wardrobe make.

but i'm excited because shopping with mom is always fun, and we always leave with some sort of too-dee-doo (gift). husband is a little annoyed about my parents always stopping by, which i agree has gotten a bit out of hand, but i love spending time with my mom. he doesn't understand how we talk on the phone every day, but she is the best person to talk to or spend time with. she is almost never in a bad mood and is always delighted to hear my voice. i can call her happy self up, complain for half an hour about my day and then hang up on her when someone else is calling and she will still love me and want to talk to me again in 5 minutes. she's honestly the nicest, kindest person i have ever met, although it does make me feel guilty that she's just so damn selfless.

my parents have been calling/stopping by an average of every 2.5 days, which can get to be too much for husband (and me). they call, no one answers, so the next step is to ride bikes over and ring the doorbell. i know we're this boring married couple now, but we still are newlyweds. doesn't that cross anyone's mind when they just show up on our doorstep? oh well, minor trials in our new life living in the same hometown in which i grew up (gag). nothing compared to having a stuffy nose in the middle of summer and sneezing every 5 minutes-- i have not been sick at all since, like, may of 08. all of a sudden- bam, cold season caught up with me. i really think its the house, too. its just so dirty. i think its like the time i had to go to school in the most ancient middle school building ever and came down with a ton of headaches and sinus infections, only to find out years later that the levels of toxins/asbestos in the majority of my classrooms were harmful and classes were moved out of those rooms at the end of every day (and then they tore the school down and built a brand-new beautiful one in its place). i had great memories in that place, but i think buildings and materials can really affect your well-being, and i'm blaming the house on my recent cold/flu virus.

alright- off to bed for another hour, perhaps, and then arming myself with coffee and tissues to make it through a morning of digging through bargain clothes/bags/shoes to try to find a deal. (why was i not born with, say, a trust fund?). thanks for reading- and i promise to write more later.

xo

landscaping and other musings

we landscaped about 1/8 of our front yard today. it was absolutely exhausting. the heat was exhausting, the stress of picking plants (me: this is pretty! look at the pink flowers and how bright it is! him: did you read the card? does it require sunlight? shade? how big does it get?), as well as actually "tilling soil" and "pulling roots" and fertilizing things. who knew it was that much work? plus, it doesn't even look like much once they're in the ground!

suddenly i'm such an adult, thinking about how best to edge our flower beds, and what type of ground cover we would like- purply flowering things, blue flowering things, or those little yellow ones? i want it to look so great and unique, something out of southern homes magazine or something, but i'm not sure we're there, yet. we did get this really great hydrangea tree that i can't wait to see grow- it looks so cute and little now, but when they are a little bigger they are just gorgeous.


oh, i should start over. i came home from work on friday to three boys, lots of bud light, half of our trees/shrubs uprooted and on the treelawn, and one boy says "hi emily. we had a slight issue with your ax"

1 broken ax, 1 broken shovel, and 1 case of beer later, my entire front yard was on the treelawn. my concern with landscaping it ourselves was that i didn't want husband and drunk friends to rip out everything and then it would be just barren for weeks. i know how we are- we get started with a project, it looks great, then we get a little burned out and before you know it it's 8 months later and that hallway still isn't painted. so, saturday we were at a wedding (and i spent the morning at the dmv with my mom getting a new -pink- license), and that meant sunday was planting day. our poor neighbors... we now have a little corner sort-of planted, and the rest of it is creating this interesting hedge-like contraption of brances, discarded evergreens, and dying hostas on our treelawn. But, it does look much better than it did- hostas are ugly, people. i have never seen a hosta i didn't think was ugly, and i don't think i ever will. hydrangeas are almost always pretty, so i am excited for our pretty new flowers to start to grow and bloom.

husband told me today that my blog is negative. he's not crazy about me writing this blog- he thinks i should really just get on with it and write a novel already, but i think he's starting to understand that this may be a good step forward for me towards that goal... who knows. he asked yesterday why i don't share it with him, so i started reading it out loud to him this morning. i think he loves being a character in the blog (jk). i need to figure out a way to disguise him when i write him in for my book.

it's so much easier to write what you know- a general rule of life, of course. all writing is extremely personal, i think, but most writers still stay within their comfort zone while exposing a personal side of themselves... an interesting oxymoron of the writer's dilemma, i suppose. i hope i can reach the point to where i can create characters, situations, challenges and obstacles on my own, away from what i may know to be true (or true to me). can we ever really separate ourselves, though? can you draw the line between art and reality? between that narrator in your head and the narrator in your story?

"The writer is odd from day one and in the course of pursuing this maddening profession becomes distinctly odder... It is not unusual for a successful writer - your favorite, the one you think of as full of sunshine, wisdom and laughter - to spend great portions of his or her life in a state of fury, hideously disappointed, or even raving mad... for a writer it is almost essential to pursue a solitary passion in the open air. " - Paul Theroux

that's it for now-- like i said, i am totally exhausted from spending the day outside, and i don't even have a tan to show for it!

f-ing bees

just a few quick thoughts before visiting with lola, the bunny.

1. yesterday, instead of knocking on our door and introducing themselves and letting us know we have bees in our sidewalk, our neighbors down the street decided to fashion together a little sign, warning the neighborhood of our bee issue.

seriously?

2. convinced the husband i needed a classy, yet subtly sexy LBD. he agreed. i now own this little number:


it's seriously tighter on me because i decided to buy the size i was before my wedding. unfortunately i have gained weight since the wedding, not much, but enough so that i'm getting annoyed about dress sizes that barely zip closed. it's a sort of sexy, slinky dress when its very tight, which i like. i also managed to convince him i needed a pair of peep-toe black pumps. white house/black market knows what they're doing when they offer to get you a pair of heels in your size while you're trying on dresses.

3. here's a story of my ankle injuries:
- in high school, rolled my ankle, was told i fractured a bone, eventually was told i just separated an accessory bone from the others and tore some tendons.
- also in high school, discovered at least 3 stress fractures i was unaware of in my other foot (oops) and received quite a few cortizone shots for it, as well as some quality time spent in p.t., not uncommon for athletes at all.
- in college, i fractured a bone in my other foot.
- that bone never heeled. it was determined i had osteopenia (i hate milk). then it was determined that i had RSD- reflexive sympathetic dystrophy, a nerve disease, basically. (look it up if you have questions)
- now i'm on my honeymoon, celebrating the 4th of july with a giant mai tai, and margaritas to-go. the night involved: stargazing (celebs and real ones) in sobe, watching the fireworks on the beach, shopping at 10pm and buying dresses (love the dress. somehow its really big on me, though), and falling off my 4 inch heels-with about an inch of a platform on them.

came home from the honeymoon with a very sore ankle #1, realizing i had separated the bones again. if i ever want to complain about my foot hurting, all i have to do is show people the bone that juts out from the side of my foot and they wince away, which is nice to have some evidence of an injury, i guess.

anyway, this all leads me back to the fact that i can't go for ridiculously long power walks anymore with my mom until my foot can be rehabbed enough so that i can make it 2 blocks after spending the day in heels, which it currently cannot do. i did get an x-ray with the only podiatrist in cleveland, apparently, that had an open appointment. he told me he'd like to put me in a cast, but since i drove to the clinic that day to see him, he wasn't going to make me have a cast (thank goodness- after 4 months on crutches while the RSD shit was going down, i probably would have gone crazy). the remedy is just some ibprofen, stretches that my husband makes me do (exercise scientist that he is), and a beer if it gets to be too much (my own idea). the heels every day probably don't help, but i wore a crazy brace for about 2 weeks afterwards and i'm just finished with the flip flops, plus i refuse to buy flats.

so, i have gained weight. i blame it on the lack of the power walks, but perhaps i should cool it with the mint milano cookies, or at least cut back for now...

long saga, right? i guess not too bad, i'm sure the girl who inspired me to publish this blog (one of my bests and a former gymnast) would have stories upon stories of injuries suffered on various apparatuses in the gym. :)

4. i went to the library today to pick up some manuals on learning adobe indesign, which i recently was able to acquire. it involved some covert operations on the part of a teacher id, license, and pay stub in order for me to get it at the teacher discount, but it's a very cool program, and definitely something i want to learn and master. i love photoshop. i don't know all the tricks (who does, though, right?), but i think i know enough so that i can move past the blurring layers together trick and start to really consider the design of it all. i want to be able to tap into patterns, fonts, colors, images and be able to put them together in a unique and totally memorable way. i also really, really want to know how to get quality images and vector masks, or how to make patterns and designs. isn't it funny where your passions take you? i just wish it were easier to be more flexible in school, or in going back to school.

when i was 18 i had no idea what the hell i wanted to do. teaching was fine, it was a new and challenging experience, but how was i to know that i liked design? and how am i supposed to learn new passions now? it's such a shame education is wasted on people so young. i wish i could have been thrown out into the world at 18 and then everyone has to go to college when they hit 30. probably throws off the whole family/marriage thing, but going to college later would allow you some time to mature and know your strengths and weaknesses a little better. talk about living in a bubble my whole life- from my small little town to my small little college, and my small little major.

last thought, i swear: 5. this is a terribly written blog post. i need to take my contacts out and go to bed so i can be productive tomorrow, but first i have to see lola and iron the husband's shirt (usually his job since i burn either myself or the clothing, but he was exhausted tonight-- wish me luck!!)