autumn thinking...

its starting to feel like fall again- and as much as i love fall, its so bittersweet because summer is ending so quickly... and it always throws me off when school starts. i guess because i spent so much of the significant years of my life in school, i get this odd feeling like i'm not done yet- i'm not ready to be an adult. i should still be in high school, college, sometimes middle school (6th grade really was a fun time). i know its not all its cracked up to be- those were difficult years and i probably spent more time crying than laughing, but something about fall brings me back... it sort of pains me when i see the kids in my neighborhood walking to the high school. it could also be my irrational fear of aging that catches up to me when i realize that i don't belong there anymore.

but i do love the crispness of fall, and the cider, apples, sweaters, new boots, tights, dresses, orange and yellow leaves, birthday presents. honestly just too many things to count. husband and i spent the past few days enjoying our small little town and our little home together. last night i made this mediteranean humuus from a pasta sauce i had bought at the farmer's market (sounds weird once its written out, but it was fab, i promise), and sat outside around our little firepit table eating it with a fresh loaf of italian bread (also from the market), and drinking this great orange wheat beer. tonight we had a great dinner (courtesy of me- top chef that i am), and then went for a nice little bike ride to visit my mom and sister and show them my new hair color.

sometimes i worry about revealing too much about myself on this thing- or through twitter, or facebook. i'm the type to just trust people and then start talking... but how much information is too much? clearly we're a nation/culture that loves personal information... i have to confess, if john mayer were to send out a play-by-play tweet of his day, i would probably scroll through and read every one of them (when i had time, of course). and this blog seems to be a hit among my friends- and if they were to write one, i would of course read it all the time. people say they don't want to 'twitter' because no one would care about their life- but people do care. how many pictures do we look at on facebook, usually of a friend-of-a-friend? acquaintance at best, i suppose. it's such an odd world we live in- one that is getting more personal, but usually on our own terms. maybe that's a better way to live? and hey, i maybe blog about my newly married life, but i don't have 2 camera crews following me around while i learn to change the paper towel holders and question the branding of 'chicken of the sea.' (i own that dvd series. and i still love it. in my mind they are perfectly happy together).

anyway, off to bed- it's only monday but i have a feeling this week will be a long one!

botox, shoes, and lasagna. pretty random, sorry.

so today we had a meeting that went late, and i didn't get home until around 8pm. when i came home, i immediately searched for the husband, half expecting him to be sticking his head in the fridge, ravenously searching for food (i have an imagination, i know). instead, he was calmly playing video games and shouting at mike hart to run/catch the football (i forget what position he plays), pretty standard for a boy. i told him i was headed into the kitchen for two reasons: wine, and to make dinner. he told me it was already in the oven. now for some reason i immediately jumped to the perfectly normal conclusion that he had figured out what recipe i was going to make from the list on the fridge, went into the cookbooks and whipped up a little chicken tetrazzini casserole. when i went to check on it, however, i realized that actually it was a frozen lasagna my mom had brought over that was bubbling up in our oven.

when i questioned him, i learned that it was probably a little ridiculous for me to assume he knew where the cookbooks are kept, but at least i know he can fend for himself in the kitchen, right?

so we had lasagna, as it started to get dark and although i offered, no salad was needed, nor vegetables. i'm starting to think that it's really not that hard to keep a man happy (or at least my man). we also bought some more furniture this weekend, including a buffet i love from world market, and a coffee table. i also managed to accidentally spend $200 on a picture frame, which made me sad because that's almost halfway to a pair of louboutins and i should just hold out for those. the problem began when i went to the custom framing counter with this giant art print, and made the lady pull every single frame corner piece off the velcro pad on the wall. when i finally found one i liked, she quoted me $192... but she was so nice, and since i had made her search for the exact right piece, i felt terrible just walking away. i asked to see some cheaper options, and she pulled out some ugly metal frames that look like they belong in a dorm room. so, i passed over the american express and handed over the print. oops. i don't mind spending large amounts of money if its something just absolutely fabulous, but i'm not even sure i like this print that much anyway (sort of like our office paint color), yet i'm willing to live with it for at least a year before forcing it out of my life. oh well, live and learn, i suppose. all i can think about is the fact that louboutins are actually something i could purchase one month, if i decide not to purchase anything else... and clearly that possibility is out the window for this month.


one of my fears in life is working too hard to enjoy it, or working too hard that i eventually pass up great opportunities. now, i do realize that when you enjoy work, and you receive opportunities at work, you should feel grateful for those opportunities. however, i still need to learn to save my money appropriately so that i can create opportunities for myself: own a second home (on the lake somewhere. or in wilmington), start my own business, raise a family at home, and further my education... not to mention become ridiculously wealthy and rub elbows with the rich and fabulous in the hamptons. (kidding. sort of.)

i guess those are normal goals for the average middle-class adult, but i want them all by the time i'm 30. i'm going to be 24 this year, which makes me want to puke. i'm already the type to 'forget' my age. i really think that certain things (like that letter i just keep forgetting to mail, or the dry cleaning that sits in a pile for weeks before making it to the cleaners), i just block them from my mind. my birthday, unfortunately is one of them. whenever someone asks me how old i am, i stop and think about it. i realize i don't have a great respect for numbers anyway, which could be a big part of the problem, but i also just don't want to ever think about aging. i don't want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, ever. typing those words makes me crazy. it's not just the getting old process, it's the fear that i'm not moving up to pace, that i'm not accomplishing things, that i'm spinning my wheels. i honestly believe that i would not have a problem just living. continuously. forever, if you will. every year is so bittersweet- where does the time go? what will this year bring? i know i'm not alone in this fear, either. it's probably pretty standard among... oh, everyone.

anyway, i guess with botox, and by keeping myself open to new possibilities, i can move forward without wishing away the present.

i want desperately to avoid, in any way possible, being typical. yet i am in so many ways... my little cookie-cutter world that was built since high school. and i like my world, don't get me wrong. but i want to be fabulous. the book i will write someday will help propel me there, i think. and it's not wrong to have high expectations for your future- i believe it's ok to be thankful for all that i do have and to still wake each day craving for more. it's what keeps us going, motivated, moving towards another (dreaded) year.

that's all for tonight...

sink or swim...

another sunday morning... i hate sundays, but i love the peaceful quality of sunday mornings. it's like the last day of vacation, where you wake up and really try to savor every smell, sound, and moment before you have to start packing. one last walk on the beach, one last vacation breakfast, one last look at the calm lake in the morning. i have so many vacation memories- my family used to take one at least every summer, and usually more throughout the year. but every summer for about six years, my family would go to this one resort-ish place in canada, called blue water acres. we stayed in very simple cottages spread out on the shore of a beautiful lake, and the kids had the run of the place, because it was so safe. the mornings usually involved coffee and a walk to the small beach to reserve some adirondak chairs, sign up for waterskiing, and then a doughnut from the bakery about 5 minutes up the windy road, filled with moose and (surprisingly) friendly brown bears. we would play all day, go on hikes, fishing, waterskiing, and finally end each day with a giant game of capture the flag throughout the property and a bonfire by the beach. what an amazing vacation it was... and how wonderful to spend a week every summer just playing by the lakeshore.

this summer has been a summer of changes for me, and i'm starting to try to plan vacations for my new family- husband and me. but where do we go? what can we afford? and when do we go? i've looked into taking a road trip to the carolina's (in my first strong attempt to persuade him we need to move to wilmington), yet i also want another honeymoon-ish trip, maybe an all-inclusive resort at some exotic island- st. lucia, bermuda, or something similar. i want to go out west and show dave the mountains, and i also want to save our money so we can experience italy together. the whole world is open for exploring, and i don't even know where to start. it's also hard when i've seen so much, and want to see it again with him... vacations were a way of life growing up, and it's interesting to try to figure out how to fit them into my new life.

i wanted to maybe take a friday off and spend a long weekend up at the lake erie islands before summer slips by, but i'm not sure if we'll be able to, now. i just received a promotion at work... it's so new and i can't wrap my head around it. it's something i'm extremely excited for, but i now have to figure out how to balance all that i was doing, with an entirely different full-time job. i had wanted to position myself to move into this role in some fashion eventually, but was shocked when they told me that i would be taking over soon. and not only taking over, but keeping all of my other responsibilities as well. needless to say, i'm feeling overwhelmed. i don't even know where to start- i don't know how to organize myself, i don't know what exactly i'm responsible for, and i don't know anything about managing this much responsibility. i know it will come in time, and it's still very new to everyone... it's just such a challenge (and such a vague one), that i'm sort of still spinning. don't get me wrong- it's an amazing job title, as well as an amazing amount of trust and faith they put in me, and i am so, so blessed to be working at a company who is willing to give me this opportunity. i guess like anything else- i'm scared at the change, i'm questioning myself, and i'm really questioning how to adjust to yet another change this summer.

isn't it funny how my life is filled with such great new opportunities and challenges, yet the fear of not succeeding keeps me up at night? why can't i have the courage to look at a new trail and feel as though i can conquer it with no doubts? i guess these big new steps in the big, scary world of being an adult make me wish i had some more time, some time to savor the moment, figure out my feelings, take a second, like the last day of vacation to appreciate every smell, every moment, and every step towards the water. it can't just be sink or swim...

"when you arise in the morning, this of what a privilege it is to be alive: to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love" - marcus aurelius

forgive me for being honest

i've had a glass of wine (or two. or three.) forgive me, for being honest. i was reminded today of the term 'service.' what it is like to be a service to others, to depend on others, and to serve others. now, although automatically i want to jump to the rewarding aspects of service, i must confess, i've spent the better part of the afternoon wanting to strangle those i'm serving.

i should explain, i've spent four summers working at a country club, serving those who are (some) more fortunate than i, and others (most), who think they are more fortunate than i. i am now working in an industry where we must serve others, every day, to maintain relationships, and build partnerships. i touted the fact that i used to be in a country club setting, i understand the meaning on service, i told them. the truth was, i don't, and i don't think i ever will. i suppose i was raised differently, although i sound like a brat often, and my best friend and i (after many, many drinks), will sometimes exclaim that 'everyone is so stupid but us,' i know that it really, truly, isn't right. i respect those who deserve respect- those who are kind, those humans who have not attempted to hurt me, or my family and friends. and sometimes i even respect those who have tried to hurt me, or my family and friends. yet- i can't get over the fact that some people treat others as though they are less of a person than themselves.

i encountered it constantly at the country club. just recently, while in an elevator in downtown cleveland i saw a former member. i didn't recognize him, but when he said 'hey coach!' in a derrogatory manner, i realized that he was from the club. it was simple. he spoke down on me, therefore he was from the club. it's sad that i can make associations that clearly (and later, i did remember him, and his family, from the summer i spent trying to build a swim team that i had no business coaching, considering i've never been on a swim team in my life). i encounter the patronizing every day just being a woman. sometimes, for a reason i cannot explain, it makes me feel powerful. other times, it makes me feel cheap, and less of a person. i encounter it because i am young, because i wear heels, the list continues. i should be used to it by now, don't you think?

as i said earlier, i've spent the majority of the evening drinking wine, and discussing with my mom and my husband the nuances of those that i serve. those that i indirectly serve as well, and i discovered that at the end of the day, i was done dwelling in the negative (although i think it was necessary to do). i realized that to serve others has a sort of strange meaning, in which you can get spit upon, chewed up, and kicked, and yet, as long as you have served them, you can feel a pride in yourself. it's an odd phenomenon, and i don't understand it in the least, but at the end of a very long day, i can still hold my head up and decide that i am worthy, on my own, just through serving others. that is what service is- giving a part of yourself to help someone.

although my examples from today (of which i will not elaborate) and in the past could seem trivial, i think you cannot compare anothers' journey to mine. it is all relative. it may not be the greatest example of service, but i feel the pain, and the joy, it brings today, and i think that's all that counts.

i said goodbye to a friend this weekend, she is serving in the peace corps for two years. for some strange reason, the new, emotionally-charged me has spent the past few days bursting into tears. husband, even after going through a tough few weeks with me, has told me it is very strange of me to cry so often and so easily about this. it's not like we weren't apart before- she spent her college years hundreds (thousands?) of miles away from me, and we didn't speak that often, save for a few cards/phone calls on birthdays. but the thought of her leaving for something so permanent was so hard for me to handle. i understand her need to serve others, though, and i respect her wish to make her impact on the world. i admire her courage, and her strength. i think for anyone, peace corps set aside, the chance to follow your heart into the unknown takes a special skill, a special strength, a special heart.

i guess this idea of service goes deeper than my issues today, or at the club, but i can see a pattern in my life. service doesn't always feel good, in fact, i'm not sure true service is supposed to, but at the end of the day, when you hold up your head, can you feel worthy? can you feel proud of the person you are, the people you helped, the person you're becoming?

note: the picture above is my time spent on crutches, in a cast, and learning to become a stronger person, with the help of my (then) boyfriend, (now) husband.

coffee and tissues

so, it's been awhile. that's because i have a cold and i am the biggest baby about being sick. i tend to complain (& bitch) about my throat hurting, not sleeping well, and my sinus pain, and then feel sad for myself. then i try to get husband to do all things for me (honey- will you please take the whites out of the dryer. can you get me a glass of orange juice? i cannot cook tonight, or go to the grocery store all week, babe). he's pretty good about being kind and compassionate, but the whites are still in the dryer and to solve the grocery issue he's been getting take-out/taking me out to eat. i mean, not a terrible arrangement, but i remember when i was at school and he would come down to clean my room and bathroom, make me soup, and leave airborne for me before he had to leave. once he had a bath drawn with orange juice, toast, and soup set out for me. living together is a whole different ballgame, ladies.

i'm not going to write much today because i have plans to go with my mom to bargain shop-- tj maxx and target. i know target has all those designer collaborations but i can't get over the fact that some of their stuff just feels so cheap to me. i'm a very tactile shopper- constantly touching things and exclaiming how soft or un-soft it is. oftentimes i will buy a shirt because it is the softest thing i've felt in the store all day, until i realize that having a million soft things does not a great wardrobe make.

but i'm excited because shopping with mom is always fun, and we always leave with some sort of too-dee-doo (gift). husband is a little annoyed about my parents always stopping by, which i agree has gotten a bit out of hand, but i love spending time with my mom. he doesn't understand how we talk on the phone every day, but she is the best person to talk to or spend time with. she is almost never in a bad mood and is always delighted to hear my voice. i can call her happy self up, complain for half an hour about my day and then hang up on her when someone else is calling and she will still love me and want to talk to me again in 5 minutes. she's honestly the nicest, kindest person i have ever met, although it does make me feel guilty that she's just so damn selfless.

my parents have been calling/stopping by an average of every 2.5 days, which can get to be too much for husband (and me). they call, no one answers, so the next step is to ride bikes over and ring the doorbell. i know we're this boring married couple now, but we still are newlyweds. doesn't that cross anyone's mind when they just show up on our doorstep? oh well, minor trials in our new life living in the same hometown in which i grew up (gag). nothing compared to having a stuffy nose in the middle of summer and sneezing every 5 minutes-- i have not been sick at all since, like, may of 08. all of a sudden- bam, cold season caught up with me. i really think its the house, too. its just so dirty. i think its like the time i had to go to school in the most ancient middle school building ever and came down with a ton of headaches and sinus infections, only to find out years later that the levels of toxins/asbestos in the majority of my classrooms were harmful and classes were moved out of those rooms at the end of every day (and then they tore the school down and built a brand-new beautiful one in its place). i had great memories in that place, but i think buildings and materials can really affect your well-being, and i'm blaming the house on my recent cold/flu virus.

alright- off to bed for another hour, perhaps, and then arming myself with coffee and tissues to make it through a morning of digging through bargain clothes/bags/shoes to try to find a deal. (why was i not born with, say, a trust fund?). thanks for reading- and i promise to write more later.

xo

landscaping and other musings

we landscaped about 1/8 of our front yard today. it was absolutely exhausting. the heat was exhausting, the stress of picking plants (me: this is pretty! look at the pink flowers and how bright it is! him: did you read the card? does it require sunlight? shade? how big does it get?), as well as actually "tilling soil" and "pulling roots" and fertilizing things. who knew it was that much work? plus, it doesn't even look like much once they're in the ground!

suddenly i'm such an adult, thinking about how best to edge our flower beds, and what type of ground cover we would like- purply flowering things, blue flowering things, or those little yellow ones? i want it to look so great and unique, something out of southern homes magazine or something, but i'm not sure we're there, yet. we did get this really great hydrangea tree that i can't wait to see grow- it looks so cute and little now, but when they are a little bigger they are just gorgeous.


oh, i should start over. i came home from work on friday to three boys, lots of bud light, half of our trees/shrubs uprooted and on the treelawn, and one boy says "hi emily. we had a slight issue with your ax"

1 broken ax, 1 broken shovel, and 1 case of beer later, my entire front yard was on the treelawn. my concern with landscaping it ourselves was that i didn't want husband and drunk friends to rip out everything and then it would be just barren for weeks. i know how we are- we get started with a project, it looks great, then we get a little burned out and before you know it it's 8 months later and that hallway still isn't painted. so, saturday we were at a wedding (and i spent the morning at the dmv with my mom getting a new -pink- license), and that meant sunday was planting day. our poor neighbors... we now have a little corner sort-of planted, and the rest of it is creating this interesting hedge-like contraption of brances, discarded evergreens, and dying hostas on our treelawn. But, it does look much better than it did- hostas are ugly, people. i have never seen a hosta i didn't think was ugly, and i don't think i ever will. hydrangeas are almost always pretty, so i am excited for our pretty new flowers to start to grow and bloom.

husband told me today that my blog is negative. he's not crazy about me writing this blog- he thinks i should really just get on with it and write a novel already, but i think he's starting to understand that this may be a good step forward for me towards that goal... who knows. he asked yesterday why i don't share it with him, so i started reading it out loud to him this morning. i think he loves being a character in the blog (jk). i need to figure out a way to disguise him when i write him in for my book.

it's so much easier to write what you know- a general rule of life, of course. all writing is extremely personal, i think, but most writers still stay within their comfort zone while exposing a personal side of themselves... an interesting oxymoron of the writer's dilemma, i suppose. i hope i can reach the point to where i can create characters, situations, challenges and obstacles on my own, away from what i may know to be true (or true to me). can we ever really separate ourselves, though? can you draw the line between art and reality? between that narrator in your head and the narrator in your story?

"The writer is odd from day one and in the course of pursuing this maddening profession becomes distinctly odder... It is not unusual for a successful writer - your favorite, the one you think of as full of sunshine, wisdom and laughter - to spend great portions of his or her life in a state of fury, hideously disappointed, or even raving mad... for a writer it is almost essential to pursue a solitary passion in the open air. " - Paul Theroux

that's it for now-- like i said, i am totally exhausted from spending the day outside, and i don't even have a tan to show for it!

f-ing bees

just a few quick thoughts before visiting with lola, the bunny.

1. yesterday, instead of knocking on our door and introducing themselves and letting us know we have bees in our sidewalk, our neighbors down the street decided to fashion together a little sign, warning the neighborhood of our bee issue.

seriously?

2. convinced the husband i needed a classy, yet subtly sexy LBD. he agreed. i now own this little number:


it's seriously tighter on me because i decided to buy the size i was before my wedding. unfortunately i have gained weight since the wedding, not much, but enough so that i'm getting annoyed about dress sizes that barely zip closed. it's a sort of sexy, slinky dress when its very tight, which i like. i also managed to convince him i needed a pair of peep-toe black pumps. white house/black market knows what they're doing when they offer to get you a pair of heels in your size while you're trying on dresses.

3. here's a story of my ankle injuries:
- in high school, rolled my ankle, was told i fractured a bone, eventually was told i just separated an accessory bone from the others and tore some tendons.
- also in high school, discovered at least 3 stress fractures i was unaware of in my other foot (oops) and received quite a few cortizone shots for it, as well as some quality time spent in p.t., not uncommon for athletes at all.
- in college, i fractured a bone in my other foot.
- that bone never heeled. it was determined i had osteopenia (i hate milk). then it was determined that i had RSD- reflexive sympathetic dystrophy, a nerve disease, basically. (look it up if you have questions)
- now i'm on my honeymoon, celebrating the 4th of july with a giant mai tai, and margaritas to-go. the night involved: stargazing (celebs and real ones) in sobe, watching the fireworks on the beach, shopping at 10pm and buying dresses (love the dress. somehow its really big on me, though), and falling off my 4 inch heels-with about an inch of a platform on them.

came home from the honeymoon with a very sore ankle #1, realizing i had separated the bones again. if i ever want to complain about my foot hurting, all i have to do is show people the bone that juts out from the side of my foot and they wince away, which is nice to have some evidence of an injury, i guess.

anyway, this all leads me back to the fact that i can't go for ridiculously long power walks anymore with my mom until my foot can be rehabbed enough so that i can make it 2 blocks after spending the day in heels, which it currently cannot do. i did get an x-ray with the only podiatrist in cleveland, apparently, that had an open appointment. he told me he'd like to put me in a cast, but since i drove to the clinic that day to see him, he wasn't going to make me have a cast (thank goodness- after 4 months on crutches while the RSD shit was going down, i probably would have gone crazy). the remedy is just some ibprofen, stretches that my husband makes me do (exercise scientist that he is), and a beer if it gets to be too much (my own idea). the heels every day probably don't help, but i wore a crazy brace for about 2 weeks afterwards and i'm just finished with the flip flops, plus i refuse to buy flats.

so, i have gained weight. i blame it on the lack of the power walks, but perhaps i should cool it with the mint milano cookies, or at least cut back for now...

long saga, right? i guess not too bad, i'm sure the girl who inspired me to publish this blog (one of my bests and a former gymnast) would have stories upon stories of injuries suffered on various apparatuses in the gym. :)

4. i went to the library today to pick up some manuals on learning adobe indesign, which i recently was able to acquire. it involved some covert operations on the part of a teacher id, license, and pay stub in order for me to get it at the teacher discount, but it's a very cool program, and definitely something i want to learn and master. i love photoshop. i don't know all the tricks (who does, though, right?), but i think i know enough so that i can move past the blurring layers together trick and start to really consider the design of it all. i want to be able to tap into patterns, fonts, colors, images and be able to put them together in a unique and totally memorable way. i also really, really want to know how to get quality images and vector masks, or how to make patterns and designs. isn't it funny where your passions take you? i just wish it were easier to be more flexible in school, or in going back to school.

when i was 18 i had no idea what the hell i wanted to do. teaching was fine, it was a new and challenging experience, but how was i to know that i liked design? and how am i supposed to learn new passions now? it's such a shame education is wasted on people so young. i wish i could have been thrown out into the world at 18 and then everyone has to go to college when they hit 30. probably throws off the whole family/marriage thing, but going to college later would allow you some time to mature and know your strengths and weaknesses a little better. talk about living in a bubble my whole life- from my small little town to my small little college, and my small little major.

last thought, i swear: 5. this is a terribly written blog post. i need to take my contacts out and go to bed so i can be productive tomorrow, but first i have to see lola and iron the husband's shirt (usually his job since i burn either myself or the clothing, but he was exhausted tonight-- wish me luck!!)

we see things as we are, not as they are

it's almost 11pm. why don't i go to bed at a normal hour? i decide i'm tired right when i want to be laying down, but then i have to do all of this stuff. my tooth routine takes 10 minutes by itself (which i've been terrible at lately. today i started flossing my teeth while driving home from work because i'm so paranoid about my teeth becoming all gross). anyway- i need to be healthier-- mind, body, everything. get more sleep, drink more water, maybe meditate/pray more often. it's just so hard to do daily- much easier to write about it, don't you think?

i started unpacking the rest of my stuff from my parents house today-- which is all currently in the middle of my family room-- and came across an old shoebox full of things i saved from the most memorable and heartbreaking time of my life. when i was 15 or 16 i started to really question many things (as i guess a lot of young people do at that age). i had my very best friend(s), my first few serious boy dramas, started to drink, stay out late, skip curfew... just tried to figure some things out-- without the help of my mom, for once in my life. one summer in particular i lived just this teen-soap opera life in which i would sneak out of my house, my friend's houses, go to concerts, smoke cigarettes on the beach, and have these nights fit for a tv show, except life in the suburbs of cleveland really wasn't that glamorous. and my makeup never looked as great as i thought it did (it still doesn't. can someone help??)

i came across countless notes (how did i ever have time to do anything else in school?), cards, pictures my ex would print off in photography class- collages of skateboarders on pink backgrounds with a cityscape and a short message to me, photos, a beer bottle and a mike's hard lemonade cap-- the drink of choice that we would take from my ex's neighbor's garage, of course. old nicknames, jokes, memories came crashing down on me.

what struck me in particular were my ramblings about love, relationships, juicy details from when i first met dave. i wrote a note/journal entry/blog on paper after FOUR months of knowing him, angry and upset that he was out with his friends (stupid melissa) and i still had high school finals week, saying that i wanted to marry him. that it scared me to think of us ever being apart, not raising a family with him, not growing old and fat together.

what's interesting is how completely insane my life was. my brain was wired like a middle-schooler's- always concerned about how to talk to boys, how to dress, how to act, how to be. and yet, i somehow recognized something in that time, something constant, something that i wanted to keep near me. (i was also a wreck because he was out without me- a total jealous bitch, i was at 17, but you know). after just 4 months, i wanted to marry him.

and almost 7 years later, i did. i guess as life moves on and forward and friends come and go, and we analyze and break down our relationships, our goals, our directions-- some things ARE constant. it helps to take a look at something that is just there, that you have kept close to you, close to your heart, and be reminded of a constant presence in your life. maybe for some people that is God, but i like being reminded to have faith in the non-heavenly beings i know... the constancy of my life in many different ways, many different phases.

"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two." - Louis Bernieres

cowboy, take me away...

lately i feel as though i need a vacation. not the type of vacation i would normally like to take, but maybe somewhere peaceful, private, possibly just by myself. i feel like i need to get my head straight, take some time to catch up with my thoughts and my emotions... but then, i also need a vacation to just catch up at home as well. will there ever be a moment when i can look around my house and not feel stressed because it's so undone? i know they say that the chores are never finished, and maybe they aren't. there will probably always be laundry, and cleaning to do, but i want a moment when i can sigh, feel comfortable if someone were to walk in to visit and wanted to use my bathroom, look at the top of my stove, or open a window, and then also a moment when i can look around and not feel guilty that i'm not doing anything for the house.

sometimes when there is just so much to do, or if i've put it off for far too long, i feel helpless, unmotivated to start working, start finding places for things, etc.

it's not so much being married that is stressful (although i guess it could be. i don't have the option of trying the experience without a variable factor), but the fact that the house is undone, and so messy, that stresses me. above all, i like to live in a place that is beautiful. i want beautiful art on my walls-- not just pictures because that's what we can afford, i want beautiful throw pillows and trinkets and furniture. i want it to be clean because then the pretty things will seem prettier. and i want it to be mine... like virginia woolf says, all i need is money and a room of my own. i know i am supposed to feel grateful, blessed, and say thank yous for all that i do have- but i just can't seem to be totally happy here.

with every step in life, i try to remind myself not to feel as though 'this is it! this is the moment when you can be truly, blissfully happy, emily!' because it never, ever is. except for your wedding day, i don't think there is just one time in which your blissful expectations match the reality of the moments. there's this quote i remind myself of, it is: "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

when we're out of high school, when we're in college, when we're in college together, when we're engaged, when we're married, when we're living together. life will be good. relationships are tough, though. they are full of blissfully happy moments, but also contain some of the most passionate emotions (at least mine do). no one else can make me so upset or bring me such joy as he can. and this time, of living together on our own is a challenge. it's emotionally challenging, physically challenging, and just a little tough. if i had to do it over again, would i have this house? no.

it's scary to think that- to think back and analyze your decisions, BIG decisions, and decide they weren't the best move to make. i love that i HAVE a house, but i don't love this house. i'm not sure if either of us do, actually. it's nice to have our space, our lawn, to be paying money towards something that is yours, it's nice to live 1 block from the beach, from an art gallery and wine bar, metroparks and a theater. yet i can't help but wonder what life would be like if we moved into one of the condos we looked into, or even an apartment. something that didn't require as much maintenance and upkeep. something that doesn't make me crazy.

word to the wise- buying a foreclosed home with almost no money and attempting to fix it and live there sucks.


anyway, back to my vacation (see image: the inn at castle hill. why did i not have my wedding there?) as much as i want to just go away with my husband and see new places, or relax on a beach, i also think of how much i need just some time to play catch up on my own. i feel like i'm 2 steps behind on so much at work- blame that on more responsibility, crazier schedule, or just the fact that my personal life affects ME so much more than i realize, but i think a vacation from that would be nice (or at least a vacation from the day-to-day). i also think that just taking a vacation with my best girlfriends and drinking wine and chatting for a long weekend would be great therapy as well.

we're planning a girls wine/martini night this weekend, and i couldn't be looking forward to it any more. once we all leave college we just don't keep in touch as much, which is understandable (and i'm the worst at it!) plus i haven't spent an extended amount of time with anyone but my husband in weeks, so it will be nice to have other company for a little bit :)

on a side note, i'm still moving out of my parents house. (i know, right?) i'm going through boxes of just... shit i decided to keep, and still want to keep, but realize now that it really doesn't have a place in my life anymore. notes from high school, random pictures, ticket stubs, collages from my ex (ex girl friend, not girlfriend, not boyfriend. but definitely the worse breakup i've ever endured). what do you do with your old lives? what do i do with my new one? the only song that feels appropriate for the moment is the lamest thing ever, but i will say it so you can all laugh at me. i'm thinking of kelly clarkson (!!) 'breakaway.' maybe i need a change? start a company, start pursuing some new passion, go back to school, start writing. (option C is already in the works- more details to come. grad school is pricey, though).

option D--- the easy way out is this blog. get me started writing, help me sort through things, my own personal therapy. the other, alternative idea would be to write a cult-like novel (see: Harry Potter, Twilight, Nicholas Sparks anything), then travel the world, have the book published in a minimum of 16 languages, and then it will be optioned for a movie. i will, of course, be perfect for the lead, and will then be rich and famous and can affort 10,000 condos or houses, and maids to go along with them. perfect, right?

ok, enough dreaming... back to writing thank you's. we're not done yet. i have done almost everyone i deem important, and now have to move onto the people i either don't know or don't have a strong desire to send a handwritten note to. (let's tell it like it is). husband, on the other hand, has done a total of 8 thank you's. i'm taking bets on how many more he will write... right now the over/under is 3. let me know what you think and i may send you a prize (can you tell i work in radio? yikes.)

thanks for reading, and if you want to contribute to my vacation fund i'm always accepting donations.... preferably in the form of a plane ticket and reservations at a resort in the mountains on a lake somewhere with a spa nearby.

xx

sunday evening

just returned from a trip to dayton and coldwater, the town my dad's family is from. dayton for a family (his) wedding, coldwater for the famous community picnic. both trips were extremely interesting in terms of the cultures we experienced... i don't know how much more i can write without just completely making fun of some/most things, and since this is a public forum (although i think 5 people know about this, maybe 3 read it), i think i will just leave it at that... interesting. ask me for details. give me wine and i may spill the juicy ones.

the husband and i went on a walk tonight for some ice cream at the beach (him for ice cream, i had myself convinced that there was a band playing at the park by the beach-see picture above- there wasn't. i lost another bet to my hubby. i won't tell you the terms, but i don't think i'll be paying up soon.) we ran into some neighbors at the beach, though- all with young kids, and it took us over an hour to walk the two blocks back. highlights included:

1. walking through the pedestrian tunnel with a three year old, two five year olds, and a six year old, all screaming at the top of their lungs as the shrieks echoed around us.

2. three year old spilling ice cream on her leg, the other (weird) neighbor had her dog (!!!) lick it off, which incited more screaming.

3. running into a bagpiper playing on top of the sledding hill (a soccer coach for 8 year olds, only in my town, right?), and watching as: the three year old took a dive down the sledding hill, the five year olds pulled the bagpiper's tassles, and the dog stole someone's cup of ice cream.

we were saved when the five year old #1 needed to go potty, so we all had to hurry home, after watching the five year old #2 show us his two-wheeler skills.

all pretty much par for the course when you're surrounded by kids, but husband and i have not been surrounded by kids for quite some time. immediately following, we crashed on our new sofa and were silent for a good three minutes, listening as the three year old was being hauled away for a bath. husband then told me that our kids will not be like that.

except, they will be. maybe not as completely rude and hyper (because mommy would probably have a meltdown and start drinking hard liquor by 2pm), but really, kids are kids. and they're great in all their screaming-ice cream dropping-potty training kidness. and i really, really don't know how anyone who hasn't been married for at least 3 years handles it. i feel like husband and i have a hard enough time caring for the kitchen, let alone children.

anyway, it was still good for us to spend time with them, i think we're the black sheep of the neighborhood right now and some stepford part of me wants to ensure my invitation to the block party. my husband has already classified everyone (of whom he's met maybe 6) in the neighborhood and has already picked his friends (of whom he's met maybe 3). i, however, think that clambakes and block parties are essential for life in this little town, so i'm trying my small-talk strategies on everyone i see... even the creepy cat lady across the street.

alright- off to finish a project for work before gearing up for another work week.... don't you miss summers? i saw a girl around 10 years old today and decided i wouldn't mind being that age again. 10 years old and nothin but bikes, fireflies, and the pool to look forward to.