This came to me through the usual random internet stream-of-consciousness-clicks but as soon as I read this quote in the second paragraph, I knew I had to respond. I've written before about Elizabeth Gilbert- her book eat pray love is one of my all-time favorites (and many others as it was an Oprah's Book Club book, of course). I admire her writing style, her effortless flow from one topic to another while still maintaining a sense of humor and self throughout. The funny thing is, the book is all about finding a sense of self. The woman who has had a boyfriend or relationship with others since she was 15 is finally at a breaking point, shaking on the bathroom floor with tears and full of gratitude that she isn't pregnant, after she and her husband had been trying to have children for months. The image always struck me, and sometimes I wonder if I relate to her in the sense that I believe I'm close to being her. It's like living a life, or feeling something dangerously close to what someone else is experiencing. Have you ever driven home after a couple drinks, and heard about someone who did the same but didn't arrive safely at home without some type of interference? It's a scary thought but that tightrope of a "that could have been me, thank God it wasn't" emotional experience is tough to describe without something as shocking as a drunk/tipsy driving story.
I don't know if I relate to her so much because she's a writer (and, as she alludes to in this article, is full of self-realization, and self-doubt just simply from being a writer), or if I relate to her as an educated woman living a career (is it the right choice?) and the suburban housewife role as well (is that the right choice?)... but Elizabeth Gilbert feels like a long-lost aunt of mine.
Anyway, I had been toying around with the idea of trying to write about the complexities of my own insecurities, and those I see around me in my friends. Somehow tie this organic living, pottery barn-home, keeping up with the Joneses Bay Village neighborhood, anti-chain restaurants, cocktail dress wearing, gym-attending expectation level into a blog post. And in one sentence, Elizabeth Gilbert says it all.
So many people have a projected ideal that they propel into the universe... and beneath the bluster is really just someone with a ton of insecurities aiming to project a 2D image to the world, while hiding the 3D version of the life they actually live (which, really, do I really care where you choose to buy your groceries?) BLAH. We doubt ourselves, which leads us to become these women who must create an image to show the world. I wish I didn't worry about the "enough" part of life. "Is this house 'enough'? Is this job/career 'enough'? Am I enough?" The thing is, although I know what the latest fitness craze is, and I have dreams of being the wife who is able to keep a beautiful home with the colors straight from the pottery barn catalog, and who still has time to keep 5 frozen casseroles on stand-by in the freezer (and take pictures of it for my cookbook/blog), and who just took a cooking class with my husband- it was SO fun, really, you must try it! ... I'm just not there yet. I'm not writing 'enough' of what I should be writing. I'm probably wasting away my writing skills in this blog, and I'm really not in the career path I thought I should be in. I still end my sentences with prepositions, and I have pushed the thought of grad school aside just like my hopes of studying abroad while in undergrad. I don't go to the hipest bars and restaurants, and I don't always eat organic (even after watching Food, Inc. I confess-- I've eated McD's chicken nuggets), I haven't planted an herb garden yet this year, and I haven't even mulched the 1 bed that I have planted so far. I don't go to the gym, and my dog pees when she meets new people.
Life is messy, not perfect. That's just what it is. I hope one day to shed my insecurities of being "enough" of a writer, or of using my creativity, potential. I hope to one day not worry about being enough of a wife, and just be. But for now... I'll pour myself some wine and see if I can find some pottery barn looking outdoor accessories on sale at Tuesday Morning... and read some more eat pray love. Appreciate a deep conversation with God, a wonderful plate of pasta, and the warmth of a lover. (because that's really all that matters).
There are things you do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good - brian andreas, story people
Once again, you have struck many a note with me with your writing. The ability to look at yourself and your situation from the outside is something that a lot of people dream of being able to do. I feel like you have a tremendous ability to bring that to heart and you have a way of making me look at things differently. I appreciate that so much. I might just start thinking about writing a little more seriously because I feel like I need to find the real reason I am here and discover the things that make me feel "right". LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteMichellle