Don't you ever wonder maybe if things had been slightly different you could be somebody else? Don't you ever wonder maybe if you took a left turn instead of taking a right you could be somebody different? Don't you ever wonder could I have been...
At the time, life was a mess. I often make the mistake of looking back at that time and feeling as though it was glamorous, adventurous, and full of passion. I try to avoid the details now, because I have romanticized my time spent with my best friends. And yet I don't want to do it any injustice; those girls I was friends with were my heart and soul. They (one in particular), could talk to me as honestly as only best friends can. We shared our secrets, our greatest fears, and the best jokes. She truly was my heart. But it would be wrong of me to think that the time spent with those girls was the best I could be... it wasn't. In truth, I was intimidated into situations, sneaking off to concerts because it was believed it wasn't ok to spend a Friday night in our sleepy suburb. It's hard to say how much of that was my beliefs and how much was theirs, or maybe it was a group effort. Whatever the case, I believe that (for the most part) you don't choose your friends in high school. I'm not totally convinced you choose your friends in college or beyond, either.
But there's something about your best friend, the kind that can see the ugliest side of you, even uglier than your husband is allowed to see. The friend who won't judge because... because... well, for no reason other than they have shared pieces of themself too precious to lose, either. Best friend seems like such a funny phrase- "I like you, you, and you... but YOU'RE my BEST friend." Are we 10 again? Whatever the case may be-- my brain has been permanently wired from the time I wore my first BE-FRI shattered heart necklace. It's those people that I share the ugliest side of myself, the scariest thoughts, the ones I could never write down, not here, not anywhere, that I can have the most fun with.
I can think back to moments in my life and pinpoint my best friends. They were there for me, and I for them, for different reasons. Mostly through angry IM chat conversations with other catty girls in middle school, and through the process of separation in high school... my very best friend was heart-breaking to lose. I didn't understand how the one person who knew you the best in the world could now leave so easily. It wasn't easy, not for her, nor for me. It still isn't easy for us. There's an unspoken history that we would rather ignore than acknowledge. Maybe it's a testament to how deep our bond was. I've talked before about my "ex" girl friend on here. I'm at the point where it's sad for me to think about it... simply because I realize I'm no longer sad about losing her. It was a long process, and for a long time there just wasn't going to be a replacement-- not my then-boyfriend/now-husband, not my college friends, not my mom, not anyone. But, eventually, I found that again. The feeling that you can trust someone so completely, and even more so, you can trust them to not necessarily steer you in any particular direction. You can't really trust them to bring out the best in yourself- because to be the best person I can be, I can't show that ugly side I discussed earlier. But it's ok to be ugly and rotten, to think miserable and horrible thoughts, if at the end of the day, you are proud of yourself, and you surround yourself with people you are proud to know.
I've been thinking about writing a post that outlines my only true heartbreak... I've been told that the best writing isn't about the good things in life... and maybe its not. It's more about the conflicts, heartaches, and losses that make me feel a little stronger, even if I'm left sitting on the floor with a pounding headache.
No comments:
Post a Comment