sometimes it's unfair

the hardest day of my life happened two summers ago. i was driving to work at my dad's company prior to finding a "real" job... normally when i get in the car, i end up plugging my ipod in, getting my phone out to call someone, or at the very least, flipping around the radio. that morning i did none of that. i got in my car with my phone in my purse, the radio silent, my ipod put away. i was just driving, both hands on the wheel and everything. as i rounded a curve in my sleeping neighborhood, i felt my car hit something and stopped suddenly, terrified. i had not seen anything in the road and my thoughts were spinning- did i hit a garbage can? a box? something much worse? because i did not see anything, i sat in my car, dazed for a minute, listening to what i can now describe as the worst sound in the world. i heard a howling, but couldn't connect (or didn't want to) it to what had just happened. then i realized that i had clearly hit someone, and realized i needed to get out of my car.

i saw the prettiest dog you could have ever seen, sitting in her front yard, one paw dangling in front of her, howling. i almost passed out, and didn't want to go near her. she came to me, though, not knowing or realizing that i was the one who hurt her... she just wanted someone to help her.

the owner was the nicest she could have been- understanding that her dog frequently took off after cars, joggers, squirrels, and spent the first ten minutes of our interaction comforting my strange, hyperventilating sobs. my mom came after a frantic phone call- she knew the house i was at, she had seen the dog run out before cars too many times. that day i spent crying in bed, angry at myself, at the dog, and at the woman for not recognizing that her dog needed to be kept on a lead.

i'm the girl who hid kittens in my garage and my bedroom, knowing full well my dad was severly allergic to them. i've gotten out of my car to try to lure strays to come over to me... i've called animal control about baby deer too close to the road. i realize i love all animals a lot more than i love most people i meet.

so, last night was really hard for me. husband and i brought a new puppy home on sunday- a little sleepy boston terrier we named bella. she was beautiful but very timid. she only wanted to be held, and would drag herself on your lap and curl up to go to sleep in favor of walking anywhere on her own. the most excitement we had was at 12:30am, 2:30am, and 4:30am, in which she peed just a little in her crate and was very, very upset about it. she found a pile of pillows in the family room and immediately found her new bed when she couldn't find a lap, picking her head up to watch you with big eyes as you moved in and out of the room. too many people told us she was just a new puppy, adjusting to a new home, but she wasn't... 24 hours later, i rushed our new puppy to the animal hospital... she had been throwing up, getting sick, and then crying the saddest puppy cries as she pulled herself onto my knees. as i drove to the vet i kept telling myself she was just a little baby, probably weak and tired from her travelling. i told myself i was crazy to be making her go for another stressful experience. i think we knew something was wrong with her, though. my husband met me there and we learned she had parvo... a deadly puppy virus that is highly contagious. bella spent tuesday and wednesday in the hospital before she died. we called every four hours to check on her... the night we dropped her off we came home to disinfect our home, then went to buy her a leash, a pink collar, and puppy toys, convinced that if she had a nice home she would bounce back. little bella was a fighter, but she didn't stand a chance. she was too little, too young, too weak.

it's hard to feel ok in a world in which puppies die. i realize there are greater catastrophies, greater sorrows, but seeing her one last time, curled up and looking like she was sleeping was one of the saddest and hardest moments of my life. we only had her 24 hours and she had captured our hearts. i am so glad we brought her home to us, though... without us, she may never have had a home. she may never have been able to sleep in someone's arms who loved her very much... and she may never have experienced love and comfort in a time when she needed it the most.

bella also brought my husband and i closer. we worked to get our home ready for her, we talked more, let the dishes slide and instead went to dinner, cried together, and made plans for her to be a part of our family.

i'm crying as i'm typing this... and i realize i seem completely lame and sappy. she was just a puppy, after all, and not even a happy, funny little ball of energy she should have been. we never knew her but as a sad, sick little baby. but she was loved- if only for one day... and i think anyone deserves at least that.