sweet new beginnings

hi. as an introduction: i am a writer (published if you count college journals), yet i'm not sure what this blog will become. isn't that the beauty of a new beginning, though? i've started blogs before, my wild attempt to actually publish a journal entry. it was my chance to instantly publish my thoughts, my journal entries to the world-- until, inevitably, i would log on, either delete the post or click so many privacy settings that eventually even i could not find the blog. but here i am again, craving for the immediacy of the publishing, craving for something that is mine, and for something that reminds me of what i have done, what i want to become, and how this beginning will be documented.

i am recently married, and have found that although it is unquestionably an exciting and wonderful time in my life, i'm also reacting to it with hesitation, still sorting through my emotions. i'm much more of an emotional person than i would like to admit; often i can feel tension in a room, and i react to the stress levels of those around me (usually feeling responsible for it somehow, and incapable of fixing it, of course). so when this marriage happened, i was bombarded with an insane amount of emotions-- from sharing a space with someone (a guy. with dirty socks, whiskers on my sink, and sticky, dried oatmeal bowls on the counter), to the self-realization of beginning a new chapter, starting a 'forever' version of yourself- defined forever by my name, my title (mrs, wife, etc), and my partner.

now, it's not all dirty dishes and gross laundry, it's also someone to laugh with and to play with, to accompany me on walks, listen to my feelings, and then, always, to give me my favorite hugs in the world. he is a wonderful, truly amazing man, and i find all the cliches in the world probably wouldn't do our relationship justice. i married, as they say, my best friend. i find it a little scary and calculating, because to me, i have found the perfect combination of love, passion, and friendship-something i don't think many have found. calculating? i guess i feel as though i somehow managed to cheat the system, marry the man who was all of those and more to me. sometimes a passionate lover, sometimes a best friend, most of the time he is both to me. but, i am working on finding out who this 'me' is- the post-college, post-dating, post-marriage, post-maiden name, post-everything me.

when i go back to my roots, to who i've always been, to what has always comforted my heart, and (to be fair) to what people have always told me i am, then i am a writer. so to find who i am, or to connect to a piece of me- i decided that writing was a place to begin. Sweet Beginnings, all around (raise your wine, now, if you like).

and that is where i begin this blog- with an introduction, a glass of wine, and a hope that one day this looks like something a writer may have published. it's a time for discovery, and although i drive myself (and sometimes him) crazy with mood swings, tears, outrageous plans and dreams- it is an exciting place to be. to be young, in love, and have a world to explore.

i'll end with a word from Henry James- "we work in the dark- we do what we can- we give what we have. our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. the rest is the madness of art."